Conscience on a cross.

Wow. I am so bored right now. My mom told me I couldn't go anywhere tonight because she wanted me home, since I'm "never home anymore". But honestly, could it be any more boring around here? It doesn't matter though. I have no idea where John is. Probably at Christy and Kevin's. Or at Naia's. He's over there a lot these days. He says that's "how he spends his summer" - at Naia's house - but I don't know. It just feels like we never do anything 'just us' anymore. There's always other people involved. But I guess I'm just paranoid that he's finally getting tired of me, or that everything's changing because my graduation is in a week and a half. Regardless, things just don't feel the same anymore, and I don't like it.

I really shouldn't stay home like this. It gives me too much time to think.

I think I'm just stressed out right now because I have so much on my mind. Like, for starters, Anna's graduation was Monday. My best friend just graduated from high school. Her parents had a party for her...and her stupid boyfriend. It just so happens that they dated for the majority of their senior year (ever since November), so the party was for both of them. But guess what? I'm Anna's best friend, and I'm graduating too. I've known her longer than Stephen could even think about knowing her, and it's my senior year too. But was I even mentioned at the party? No. Of course not. It's like her parents forgot all about me. And all the people I asked about coming to my graduation made it sound like they weren't going to make it, like it was unimportant to them. So apparently, Stephen is the only other person that matters now. But none of them will ever know how much it hurt me to see my best friend and her loser boyfriend opening graduation gifts together. And how much it hurt to see that "table for two" set up on the front porch. What if I wanted to sit beside my best friend? Everybody keeps saying to tell Anna how I feel about the whole thing. And honestly, I'm tired of hearing it. I've already tried once to make her realize that Stephen is a mistake. If she didn't listen the first time, why would it be any different a second time?

And then there's John. He made me mad yesterday, and he knows it. He made a big deal out of coming to see me at work. He said he couldn't afford it and he didn't want to use the money I gave him for gas and blah blah blah. He went to Christy and Kevin's tonight. They went swimming. I didn't go because I went to the dinner at Olive Garden with all the seniors at Bilo. But I feel guilty for not going to Christy and Kevin's. I'm also a little bummed that he went without me, but I'm getting used to the fact that he's still going to go off and have fun whether I can go with him or not. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On a more positive note, my aunt Michelle is coming home a week from Friday. And she's staying the whole week after my graduation. I'm just hoping that David and Melissa (my aunt and uncle from Pennsylvania) don't stay that whole week too. I mean, I love them and I'm glad they're coming for my graduation, but I'm not close to them at all. I'm close to Michelle, but when David and Melissa are in town, she always does stuff with them and doesn't spend any time with me.

I can't believe I'm graduating. I just can't believe it. And the funny thing is, technically, I can't even say I've been waiting 12 years for this day, because I skipped a grade. I only spent eleven whole years working toward my graduation day. But it's been a long eleven years. Sixth grade was probably the best. Then there's high school - four whole years of drama, academic stress, friendships, football games, and bad cafeteria food. It's been nothing but fun though. I'm just not ready to let it all go. I feel so much pressure to move on with my life - go to college, get married, have kids...become an adult. But I'm not ready at all. And people say it's normal to feel that way at graduation, but think about being two years younger than everybody you're graduating with. Think about not even being old enough to vote until your sophomore year of college. So how am I supposed to prepare for the rest of my life?

See? I told you, I really shouldn't stay at home like this. I've got way too much on my mind.

Randy said he would talk to Marie about making me a bookkeeper at Bilo. That would be great. I told Jim, one of the other managers, about it last night, and he said he thinks I would do great at it. And that means a lot. So hopefully they'll promote me over the summer. It'll give me good experience with accounting, which will definitely come in handy later on.

And I just can't say it enough: Green Day's new album rocks. Some people say it's not good, some people think it's "not Green Day material", and some people just say they'll never be able to top American Idiot. And that may be true, but come on, give it a chance. And for those who haven't listened to the whole album - for those who have only heard "Know Your Enemy" - that is one of the weakest songs on the album. "East Jesus Nowhere", "Restless Heart Syndrome", and "The Static Age" are all amazing. There's a ton of emotion in the album. And it's definitely worth listening to.

I think I might put some more color in my hair. I put some Red Rum hair dye on the bottom layer of my hair this afternoon, just because I was bored. And since my hair's a little lighter than it was the last time I tried to color it, it turned out a little different. I like it though. I might do the rest one day next week. Or I might wait until the week after graduation in case it turns out bad haha.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go. My dad won't stop whining about me typing, so I think I'm just going to go to my room and chill. I might even go to bed early. Who knows at this point.

Goodnight.

Senioritis overdrive.

I think I figured out that econ is an excellent time to post a blog. We're reviewing for the AP exam, which is tomorrow. And honestly, I could care less. I was late to first period this morning. I overslept like 30 minutes. My dad knew I was late, too. He'll probably tell my mom and she'll probably get mad and blame it on me being up so late last night. But I went to bed around the time I normally do. It's not like I stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning. But I'm sure she'll be mad about it. And knowing my luck, she'll say I can't hang out with Kellie after school today or that I can't go see John at work. But the way I see it, she shouldn't be mad. It's the end of the school year. I only have two weeks of school left. Nobody cares about being late anymore. We're all just ready for it to be over.

So this is me, not paying attention.

This week can't go by fast enough. I can't wait until Friday. Well, even tomorrow. Seniors get their yearbooks tomorrow. The only downside about tomorrow is the fact that I have to take that AP Econ exam, and it'll last all morning. And I have to work, but it's all good. Friday's going to be great. First, there's the senior cap & gown picture on the football field, then there's the awards ceremony in the gym, and then there's Spring Fling. Then after school, Kellie and I are going to get our nails done. My mom might be going with us, but I'm not really sure. And I'm hoping to see John Friday night too, just to finalize everything for prom. Maybe we could all go out to dinner or something. But that would defeat the purpose of "girls' night out". Oh well. We'll work something out. I'm just really excited.

I got my hair done yesterday. It was basically a "test run" to see how my hair's going to look on prom night. It's going to look great, if I do say so myself. My hairstylist, Cindy, is really cool. She has pink hair. Well, pink highlights haha. But she's a great stylist; she really gets a feel for her clients and how their hair works. Wow, for a second there I almost sounded like I was giving a critical review or something. Anyway, Cindy's great, and she's going to do a great job on my hair Saturday.

We're dissecting a pig in anatomy today. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, my senioritis is in overdrive and I seriously don't feel like doing any work. But on the plus side, I understand the new section in math.

It's cold in here. Like, really cold. It's like an igloo or something, seriously. I'm also very hungry right now. A hot dog or something would be great right now. Holy crap, I just got this huge craving for a chili dog and a bag of Fritos. Wow, that would be SO good for lunch. Great, now all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a picnic. At the lake. That would be awesome. Where did that even come from?

John has to work tonight. That sucks. Ok, I just got an invitation to Awards Night. I wonder if I'll get anything. I heard that's when we get our stoles for Honor Graduates and NHS. That'll be cool. Maybe John will be off work and he can come too. That would mean a lot to me. Hopefully he'll be off work or he can get somebody to switch with him.

Oh, that reminds me. I need to tell Marie I can't work Monday night because of that teacher dinner thing my Teacher Cadet class is doing.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go ahead and wrap this thing up. It's almost time for lunch. I'm so hungry, gah. I wish John and I could go to the lake or something today. That would be awesome. I'm in the mood for that chili dog, and swimming would be perfect. Strangely enough, I'm also in the mood to get my hair and makeup done, and then get a manicure. Nah, I think I'm more in the mood for the picnic and swimming.

Ok, my thoughts aren't going anywhere. I really should go. I'll try to post again later.

Guns and butter. Say what?

I'm in econ, once again, listening to Mr. Massingill ramble something about the last two units of the course that he's not bothering to teach us. Well, actually, now he's rambling about cell phones.

John's last day of school is today. He's lucky. His summer pretty much starts today. I have three more weeks left, and four until graduation. That's pretty hard to believe. I'm really not ready to graduate. I'm ready to be done with school, but I'm not ready to leave. But overall I think I've had a pretty good high school experience. I certainly don't have any regrets. I mean, sure, there were some things that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, and I had my feelings hurt a time or two, but if those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Honestly, I think the only thing I would change about my high school experience (if I could) would be not taking this class. Seriously haha. But then again, I like the people in here. Well, some of them. And it just so happens that the people I don't really like aren't here today. AP exams are great.

My Spanish class is having a Cinco de Mayo party tomorrow. It should be pretty fun. I'm going to make a "taco bake", and some kind of dessert - maybe churros. Then, after Spanish, I'm going back to West End to have lunch with Mrs. Ellenburg's class. Today was supposed to be the Teacher Cadets' last day in the classrooms, but I want to spend just one more day with them. I really love that class. All the kids are great, and they seem to enjoy having me in the classroom with them. Mrs. Ellenburg is an excellent teacher too, and I love watching her interact with her students. They're all so smart, it's just crazy. So I'm going to email Mrs. Ellenburg and ask her if I can bring treats for the kids at lunch tomorrow. I'm sure they'll love that.

I'm really glad tomorrow's Friday, but I'm still not looking forward to it. After I leave West End, I plan on tanning, then eating lunch, and then going to Greenville. I'm going to Artistic Cutters to find out how much manicures and pedicures are (and just to check the place out), and then I'm going to get my paycheck and go to the bank. Actually, I might do that part first. But the bad part is the fact that I have to work from 5 to 11 tomorrow night. I hate closing on Friday nights. All we sell is beer and it's extremely busy. Plus, I'm missing Greenville-Pickens.

Saturday should be a little better. I'm working 3 to 9, but my mom and I are going out to lunch and then going to the mall before I go to work. I won't get to see John though. He's closing Saturday night, so the only way I'll be able to see him is if I stop by Bilo on my way home or something. That really sucks. We're not getting to hang out at all.

I'll just be so glad when next week gets here. I have a hair appointment Tuesday at 4:00, just to do a test run of how I'm wearing my hair for prom. My mom said she wants to go with me, but I'm hoping Kellie can come too. Thursday, all the Seniors get their yearbooks and there's a Senior cookout after school. Friday is Spring Fling/ Annual Day, and the Seniors are having their group cap gown picture made. It's going to be so fun. And after school that day, Kellie and I are going to get our nails done. I can't wait.

Holy crap. This class is going by so slow. But I guess I'm going to go "pay attention" for the last 30 minutes of class.

Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen.

I'm sure I'll post again later.

This could be your sick love song.

I've had that Motley Crue song stuck in my head ever since this afternoon. Seriously.

So, prom is next weekend. I'm really excited about it. Kellie and I are getting our nails done together Friday, and we're getting our makeup done together Saturday. I wish it was this weekend. I'm just looking forward to it so much. Anna's having an 'after-prom party' Saturday night...after prom, haha. I asked her (out of obligation, since she's my best friend) if she and Stephen would like to come to Olive Garden with me and John and Kellie and Joe before prom, but she didn't hesitate to tell me that she wanted it to be "just them" that night. But I'm glad Kellie will be there when we go to the party. It'll make it easier on me. I think she and I have become really close this year, and I really value our friendship. She's a lot like me, and I guess that's why we get along so easily. And if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have a female best friend anymore because Anna has pretty much left me behind all because of Stephen. I mean, I love Anna to death and I would do anything for her, but really, that hurts. And it's not that Kellie's replacing Anna. Kellie just knows how to balance out having a boyfriend and having a best friend. Plus, Kellie's boyfriend is social, and he actually gets along with my boyfriend. So that's a huge bonus. Stephen just...ugh. No comment.

Anyway, next week will probably be a great week. Just as long as my parents will stay off my back about school. My mom will not stop nagging me about my math grade, even though I'm in the process of fixing it. She keeps hinting that I'm some kind of failure because I let one grade fall. She keeps telling me she's disappointed in me. But I told her tonight that being two years ahead of everybody else my age is finally catching up to me. Skipping a grade and being younger than everybody else hit me harder this year than it ever has. I finally feel like I shouldn't be a senior - like I shouldn't be 16 in a class full of 18-year-olds who are making good grades and getting ready to go off to college. I think sometimes my mom forgets that.

I miss John. We don't get to do anything anymore. We're always working or school gets in the way. And ever since Friday night, my parents have been super strict because of my math grade and they won't let me see him. It feels like it's been forever since we've had lunch at my house and just had the afternoon to chill. And now every time we are together it's like we're constantly busy. Always going somewhere. Always doing something. Always on the go. It just feels like everything's rushed these days. I hate it. Oh, and tomorrow - well, technically today - makes 8 months that we've been together.

Anyway, I was talking to him on AIM, but he's playing some game so he's not really talking to me anymore. I'm definitely going to bed.

Goodnight.

Rant.

My mom is seriously getting on my nerves lately.

She's balancing my checkbook right now, and she won't shut up about how I pay for everything when me and John do stuff. No I don't! She doesn't understand that I was just trying to help him out while he was saving up for his car - before he found out about his tax money. Now she thinks he's just using me. She keep saying, "What does he ever pay for?" and "Why do you pay for everything?". Shut the fuck up, woman! I just told her if she doesn't stop, I'm going to my room and I'm not talking to her for the rest of the night. I don't fucking pay for everything. She just won't stop nagging me.

Ok, now she seriously just made me mad. She said, "I thought you were smarter than that." - referring to me "paying for everything". Why does it matter?! It's my money and I'll do whatever the hell I want to with it! So what if I wanna buy my boyfriend dinner? So what if I wanna pay for the movies? So what?! Leave me alone about it!

All she ever does is nag these days. I love her to death, but GOD I'm sick of her nagging.

The worst part? I'm stuck at home on a Saturday night because of my math grade. I didn't even get to see John today. I worked all day and then had to come home to my mother nagging. Luckily we went to dinner and she was nice for all of 45 minutes.

Kyle Busch is so gay. Who cares if he won a NASCAR race on his birthday? I didn't even get to go to Greenville-Pickens tonight. For one thing, I'm grounded - or whatever you wanna call it. And second of all, it was cancelled because it rained for like 15 minutes 3 hours before race time. How wonderful. And next weekend, the race is on Friday night. Guess who has to work from 5 to 11? Yep. And then there is no race the weekend of the 16th, but luckily that's my prom night. Still, that means no Greenville-Pickens for like three weeks. That doesn't go over very well with me.

I'm just not in a good mood right now. It's not obvious, is it?