Conscience on a cross.

Wow. I am so bored right now. My mom told me I couldn't go anywhere tonight because she wanted me home, since I'm "never home anymore". But honestly, could it be any more boring around here? It doesn't matter though. I have no idea where John is. Probably at Christy and Kevin's. Or at Naia's. He's over there a lot these days. He says that's "how he spends his summer" - at Naia's house - but I don't know. It just feels like we never do anything 'just us' anymore. There's always other people involved. But I guess I'm just paranoid that he's finally getting tired of me, or that everything's changing because my graduation is in a week and a half. Regardless, things just don't feel the same anymore, and I don't like it.

I really shouldn't stay home like this. It gives me too much time to think.

I think I'm just stressed out right now because I have so much on my mind. Like, for starters, Anna's graduation was Monday. My best friend just graduated from high school. Her parents had a party for her...and her stupid boyfriend. It just so happens that they dated for the majority of their senior year (ever since November), so the party was for both of them. But guess what? I'm Anna's best friend, and I'm graduating too. I've known her longer than Stephen could even think about knowing her, and it's my senior year too. But was I even mentioned at the party? No. Of course not. It's like her parents forgot all about me. And all the people I asked about coming to my graduation made it sound like they weren't going to make it, like it was unimportant to them. So apparently, Stephen is the only other person that matters now. But none of them will ever know how much it hurt me to see my best friend and her loser boyfriend opening graduation gifts together. And how much it hurt to see that "table for two" set up on the front porch. What if I wanted to sit beside my best friend? Everybody keeps saying to tell Anna how I feel about the whole thing. And honestly, I'm tired of hearing it. I've already tried once to make her realize that Stephen is a mistake. If she didn't listen the first time, why would it be any different a second time?

And then there's John. He made me mad yesterday, and he knows it. He made a big deal out of coming to see me at work. He said he couldn't afford it and he didn't want to use the money I gave him for gas and blah blah blah. He went to Christy and Kevin's tonight. They went swimming. I didn't go because I went to the dinner at Olive Garden with all the seniors at Bilo. But I feel guilty for not going to Christy and Kevin's. I'm also a little bummed that he went without me, but I'm getting used to the fact that he's still going to go off and have fun whether I can go with him or not. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On a more positive note, my aunt Michelle is coming home a week from Friday. And she's staying the whole week after my graduation. I'm just hoping that David and Melissa (my aunt and uncle from Pennsylvania) don't stay that whole week too. I mean, I love them and I'm glad they're coming for my graduation, but I'm not close to them at all. I'm close to Michelle, but when David and Melissa are in town, she always does stuff with them and doesn't spend any time with me.

I can't believe I'm graduating. I just can't believe it. And the funny thing is, technically, I can't even say I've been waiting 12 years for this day, because I skipped a grade. I only spent eleven whole years working toward my graduation day. But it's been a long eleven years. Sixth grade was probably the best. Then there's high school - four whole years of drama, academic stress, friendships, football games, and bad cafeteria food. It's been nothing but fun though. I'm just not ready to let it all go. I feel so much pressure to move on with my life - go to college, get married, have kids...become an adult. But I'm not ready at all. And people say it's normal to feel that way at graduation, but think about being two years younger than everybody you're graduating with. Think about not even being old enough to vote until your sophomore year of college. So how am I supposed to prepare for the rest of my life?

See? I told you, I really shouldn't stay at home like this. I've got way too much on my mind.

Randy said he would talk to Marie about making me a bookkeeper at Bilo. That would be great. I told Jim, one of the other managers, about it last night, and he said he thinks I would do great at it. And that means a lot. So hopefully they'll promote me over the summer. It'll give me good experience with accounting, which will definitely come in handy later on.

And I just can't say it enough: Green Day's new album rocks. Some people say it's not good, some people think it's "not Green Day material", and some people just say they'll never be able to top American Idiot. And that may be true, but come on, give it a chance. And for those who haven't listened to the whole album - for those who have only heard "Know Your Enemy" - that is one of the weakest songs on the album. "East Jesus Nowhere", "Restless Heart Syndrome", and "The Static Age" are all amazing. There's a ton of emotion in the album. And it's definitely worth listening to.

I think I might put some more color in my hair. I put some Red Rum hair dye on the bottom layer of my hair this afternoon, just because I was bored. And since my hair's a little lighter than it was the last time I tried to color it, it turned out a little different. I like it though. I might do the rest one day next week. Or I might wait until the week after graduation in case it turns out bad haha.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go. My dad won't stop whining about me typing, so I think I'm just going to go to my room and chill. I might even go to bed early. Who knows at this point.

Goodnight.