Never leave me.

So much for getting back on track.

I'm starting to worry about John. It seems like he's in a funk. And I'm assuming it's because he's worked so much lately, and because of his parents, but regardless, I don't like it. He's in a constant state of exhaustion, and he keeps saying all this stuff about how he wants another job and he wants things he can't have and all this other stuff. It's just getting to me.

Holy shit. I just realized like a million things in about half a second.

Anyway, I'm just worried about John right now. I know he needs the money from his job, but I wish he could take a few days off and rest. And I mean, really rest. I wish there was something I could do to make him better. I feel like there's nothing I can really do. He's starting to seem bummed out about a lot, and I just hate to see him unhappy like that.

Oh, and what happens when you have big decisions to make and there are certain questions you have to ask yourself before you can make the decisions, but you don't know the answers to the questions?

I have an overwhelming urge to run away from everything right now. Like, seriously. I just wanna get in the car and drive to Florida and stay there for a few days. I wanna plant myself in a chair by the ocean and take in the sun. I want to be anywhere but here right now. And school - gah, school. I'm so ready for it to be over. I'm tired of it. It seems like such a monumental waste of time now. I don't want to go back tomorrow. Tomorrow is a B-day, and B-days are just so long and so boring and so pointless. I just want to run away.

And what happens when the questions you have to ask are questions that you can't ask anybody but yourself? When there's nobody who can really help you and nobody who can give you an answer. What happens when it's all up to you?

I just want everything to be ok. But I think I've said that before. Nothing happened.

I wonder what it's like to be older. To be where you're supposed to be. I overheard a couple girls in my Spanish class this morning talking about college, and they were talking about dorms and semesters and all this other stuff. And it made me realize that I don't feel one bit ready to leave high school. I'm 16 years old. I should be in tenth grade, but I'm a senior. Fixing to graduate. Fixing to walk across a stage with a piece of paper that says I put up with a bunch of pointless crap for the last 12 years of my life, fixing to start a new life...essentially. But I'm not ready for that. I feel like every other 16 year old should feel - like I have two more of high school drama left, like I still have a junior and senior year to look forward to. I don't want to go to college. Well, I do, but only because I just can't wait to become a nurse and start helping people. But I'm really scared of that right now. Not of being a nurse - just of being out of high school and being in college and in the real world. At 16. I'm not an adult for two more years. Why should I have to start acting like one now?

I need to go to bed. I'm getting sleepy, and I've got way too much on my mind to be sitting here posting a blog that might not make any sense.

Goodnight.