Break.

I think I picked the wrong week to go on vacation. Why? Because (not only did I miss TWO Green Day concerts, but) I came back home, and suddenly I'm having a really bad week. Or maybe it's not that bad, but it sure as hell feels like it. I've seen John one day since I got back. I've been home since Saturday, and we only hung out on Sunday. Today's Wednesday. It's frustrating. I missed him like crazy while I was gone last week. And I miss him again already. He came to Bilo to see me last night, but it was really pointless because I was in the cash office with a bunch of tills and I couldn't really talk. The only time I've seen him since Sunday is online. Woo hoo.

I don't think I feel like typing anymore. My mom's making me extremely mad because she won't stop nagging me about my school schedule. My Spanish class got cancelled, so now I have to either switch two of my classes so I can take Spanish, or just take something else instead. The only other thing I would take besides Spanish would be computer, and I was hoping to take that with John next semester. I'm really not sure what I should do. Right now, I feel like I should switch my math and psychology so I can take Spanish. I would only have one class with John, but right now, I feel like that might just be best.

I don't know. I wish I could go back to Saturday night. I was home from Miami, I was hanging out with John, everything was great. Now I'm just alone and stressed and...right now I'm very hungry. But I'm going out to lunch with my grandma and my cousin, so I'm not going to eat anything yet. And it's raining. I used to like rainy days. I don't think I like it today.

Travel the world, and the seven seas.

The ocean looks angry tonight. It’s black. The waves are slapping against each other, causing white foam to spray everywhere. The moon is casting a leathery shadow on the black water – it almost looks like snakeskin. The swells are huge, and the ship is rocking with each crest. There are seagulls flying overhead, going who knows where. The decks on the ship are rather quiet tonight; the lights create a magical haze around the entire ship, filling the spaces where the crowds are gone in for the night. All I can hear is the rushing sound of the water. Inside, the ship’s nightlife is in full swing. People are leaving the dining rooms and filing into the hallways. It’s so noisy and colorful. Yet when you open the door to come outside onto the third-floor deck, a tornado-like gust of wind hits your entire body, and then you’re in a state of calm. It’s a different world out here on the deck – no people, no music – only you and the night.

Seeing Mother Nature angry like this is almost comforting. Sure, it’s a little scary being out in the middle of the ocean at night watching 10-foot swells hammer the side of the ship you’re vacationing on, and feeling the up-and-down motion of the waves, but at the same time it’s like poetry. It’s beautiful. It’s chaos, unfolding right before your eyes. Mother Nature is upset, and she wants you to feel it too.

In a way, I can relate. I’m upset because my boyfriend isn’t with me. I’m upset because he can’t experience this cruise with me. Granted, I’m not causing everyone around me to be severely nauseated and unable to walk in a straight line, but my moods are rather up and down like the waves. I’m happy, but I’m depressed. The ocean is more comforting to me than anything, yet I’m still uncomfortable because my boyfriend’s arms aren’t wrapped around me. Actually, I guess you could say being in his arms is more comforting to me than anything. But I guess the ocean is the next best thing. I just find it ironic because it’s almost like the ocean is doing the pouting for me.

I’m waking up in San Juan, Puerto Rico tomorrow morning. We’re scheduled to arrive at 7 AM. I’d like to be awake, but I doubt I will be. It’s funny, because I’m on vacation yet I’m resting less than I do when I’m at home and working every day. And at some point, I would like to wake up early and watch the sunrise on the Sky deck, but it’ll probably just make me wish John was here to watch it with me…

Oh, who am I kidding? Everything on this ship makes me wish John was with me. I see all these couples getting their pictures made, and I want it to be me and him. I want nothing more than to hug him right now. It’s so strange – I didn’t realize how much I would miss him physically. And no, not like that physically. I miss his face and his smile and the way he sneezes. I love the way he holds me – how we just fit perfectly together. And if I could have that here – if I could just be with him on this cruise…if he could see what I’m seeing – the angry ocean and the full moon…if he could smell what I smell – the salty water, the greasy leftover food smell drifting down from the top deck…if he could experience this with me. If only he were here.

I really should stop talking about it like that. I sound desperate and needy. But it’s frustrating knowing that the one thing that would make my vacation – my entire summer – complete is the one thing that absolutely cannot happen.

I like Mother Nature. She’s my new best friend.

The snooze cruise.

Man, who would’ve thought a cruise would be so boring? And not only that, but I can’t even communicate with my own boyfriend. WiFi is $100 – just for 250 minutes worth. I mean, I guess if you do the math, it’s only like $25 dollars an hour, but who cares? For what the actual cruise costs, WiFi should be included. And sure, I have a cell phone, but we’re out in the middle of the ocean. John has called me like five times today, and I can’t answer because we’re not in a cell phone coverage area. It would cost too much just to answer the phone and talk for a few minutes. I miss him terribly though. My parents are boring, and they’re making me feel like a third wheel. They went to breakfast this morning without me. All my dad cares about is drinking, and my mom’s so ADD she can’t pick just one thing to do. And whatever I want to do, she wants to do the opposite.

I just keep having all these “if” moments. Like, if John were here, we could go down the water slide and sit in the pool on the Lido deck and watch whatever movie is playing on the big screen. Or we could go to one of the shows in the Venetian Palace. Or we could go play mini-golf on the top deck. Or we could go eat at the buffet at 2:00 in the morning. He could escort me to dinner tonight – it’s Formal Night, where everybody dresses up in their best dresses and suits. I’m wearing my prom dress. And it would only be right for him to escort me, seeing as how he was my prom date this year. And when we were at Half Moon Cay, I kept seeing all these couples out in the water. I just kept imagining how that could be me and John. It’s just so wrong to be here without him. And it’s weird because every other year I’ve been on vacation, I haven’t had a boyfriend. But now that I do, I can’t stand him not being with me. Especially on a cruise. We would’ve had so much fun together on this boat.

Y’know, it just occurred to me – I hope John was only calling because he misses me and wants to talk to me, not because something’s wrong at home. But I’m going to put that thought out of my mind. It’s just like we can’t get to St. Thomas fast enough. The first thing I’m gonna do when we get to St. Thomas in the morning is call John. I don’t care if he’s awake or not, I’m calling him.

I guess I need to stop going on and on about how I miss my boyfriend. I think I’m whining too much. But don’t I have a right to? This cruise was supposed to be for my graduation, and I didn’t even get to bring anybody with me. It’s no different than any other vacation with my parents. So yeah, I’m a little upset about it.

Anyway, I guess I’m going to go for now. My computer battery is almost dead, and my mom’s drying her hair so I can’t charge my computer. Plus, it’s almost 6:00. I need to finish getting ready for dinner. But I’ll probably be posting again at least once or twice before this vacation’s over. If “vacation” is what you want to call it.