Euphoria.

It's dark outside and the window's open. I can picture myself walking down the sidewalk alone. Maybe here, just across the street. Maybe at the beach, on some old abandoned boardwalk. I'm not sure where I'm going though.

I keep flashing back to last year. All these feelings keep coming back - the way it felt to drive by myself for the first time, on the interstate, on the way to my grandma's house. The way it felt to drive home from school with the windows down, blaring Green Day all the way. The feeling of walking outside on a warm spring morning, with fresh dew covering the ground, the cars, covering everything. I remember the feeling of taking a shower on hot summer nights and then sitting outside on the porch in shorts and a tank-top. I remember sitting outside and watching the lightning from a distant thunderstorm, and I remember watching baseball with my dad and eating chocolate ice cream. And Greenville-Pickens...the feeling of the wind from the cars going by, the smell of 110-octane racing fuel and rubber, the taste of Little Caesar's pizza and Dr. Pepper...the only time I felt like everything was perfect.

I actually miss that. Not everything I associate with it, just the feelings themselves. I don't want to remember the people and the drama - all the bullshit. Just the feelings. The sensations. I don't know why it all seems so vivid to me right now. But it seems like I'll never feel anything like that ever again. Regardless, I'm ready for spring.

I daydream about the summer. The perfect summer. I daydream about Daytona - about walking on the beach at night, hand in hand with my boyfriend, kissing him under a sky full of stars, and feeling the salt water washing over our feet. I dream of Frisbee at the park, and driving around town with the windows down on hot summer nights when there's nothing else to do. I dream of so much. Unfortunately...well, unfortunately, my dreams are too often interrupted by bizarre English professors who won't shut up about in-class essays and the anthology of poetry.

I wrote that in my English class tonight. What can I say? I was bored. But I do dream of that stuff. I just wish it could happen. I hope it happens.

John met me at McDonald's tonight after I got out of class. It was nice. Deanna gave us her employee discount. I made an elephant out of ketchup, too. After McDonald's, we went to Wal-Mart for a little bit. Another "summer" feeling hit me while we were there - going fishing with my dad during the summer. Man, we had a blast. We would go up to Lake Keowee and fish, and then on the way back to the dock, we would blare Green Day ALL the way, and I'm sure the whole lake could hear it. Anyway, I came back to reality when we were looking at all the Valentine's Day stuff. I remembered it's still only February.

I'm still looking forward to next weekend though. I think my plan to spend the night with John is really going to work. I hope so, anyway. I keep thinking about it. I know we'll have fun.

Man, I wish I didn't have to come home tonight. I let John drive my car on the way back from Wal-Mart. He said he felt like a real man 'cause he was driving his girlfriend's car. I'm glad he's cool with it. I mean, if I need to be comfortable driving his car, he needs to be comfortable driving mine. I just wish we didn't have to come home. Actually, when we were on the way back to McDonald's, I felt like we should be going home - like we actually had our own place to go home to. I wish we did.

Anyway, I need to get ready for bed.

Goodnight.