Work hard, play hard, and have best friends.

Man, I'm tired. It feels like I've been living at Bilo lately. I've worked four days in a row - tomorrow will make 5. I'm glad to be getting the extra hours, but it's wearing me out, and I feel like it's taking too much time away from me and John. So I'm hoping that nobody calls in Wednesday so I can have at least one day off this week. Tomorrow, I work 11 to 4, and afterwards, I plan on spending time with John. Possibly Kellie and Joe, too. Tomorrow is Kellie's only day off, and I told her we would try to hang out. John mentioned going to see Christy and Kevin tomorrow night though, so who knows our plans at this point. I'd like to hang out with them again. And go see his grandparents in Pickens. I think I've been a little selfish lately, because I went through that weird phase for a couple weeks, where nothing seemed right, and I just wanted to spend time with John alone. I didn't want to have to deal with other people. But since things are back to normal - well, it seems like things are back to the way they used to be - I feel like going different places and seeing different people.

I'm glad John and I are "back to normal". It seems weird to be saying that - like something horrible went wrong and we fixed it - but I seriously just felt out of it for a few weeks. But now I'm fine. I'm content with the way things are, and I have a really positive outlook on life. And it happened all on its own. Now, the only things I can think about are how happy I am to have such an amazing boyfriend and how glad I am to be able to spend time with him, and how excited I am to start my nursing career. I absolutely cannot wait to start college and get my nursing degree. Especially now that I've decided to go into pediatrics. I can't wait to go to work every day in a pair of scrubs and make little kids better. And here lately, I can't wait to have kids of my own to take care of. But that's a different story. I know that I don't want to start a family until I have a good, steady job. And until my schooling is pretty much over. I don't want to try earning a master's degree while trying to raise a child. I won't put my child through that.

See? I feel so optimistic. It's like I've had some sort of epiphany. And sure, I'm tired after working so much lately, but I know that in the end, when I get my paycheck every Friday, it'll be well worth it. The only thing I have to worry about now is my car. I think the transmission is about to go out. It started shifting really weird earlier today, like the car's fixing to shut off or something. And it did it really bad on my way home from work tonight. I just hope I can get it taken care of. I love my car to death, but God knows I don't want to have to pay thousands of dollars (that I don't even have) to fix it.

I wonder how Anna is. My best friend and I have grown apart. Actually, I don't even know if you can call her my best friend anymore. I haven't heard from her since she told me she was going to Virginia with Stephen and his family. I hope she got back safely. I hope he didn't try to kill her or something. Lord knows he's psycho enough to. I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. I know that I'm not the one who pushed everyone I love aside for my boyfriend. I'm not the one who picked my boyfriend over my best friend. She did. And she should realize that Stephen may not always be there for her. Her true friends and her family will be. But she's pushing them all away. I think I'm ok with it though. I'd like to think that she would still be there for me if I need her, but I also know that I'm surrounded by other friends and a wonderful family. And I really don't think John's going anywhere. Not for a while, anyway. And besides, he has become my best friend. I can tell him pretty much everything. He sees me for who I really am, and he accepts me that way. He doesn't judge me or criticize me for my faults. And he respects me. He also respects my family, and he gets along with my friends. And he knows that family comes first with me, and he's ok with that. There are many times where I've put my family before him, but he's been ok with it. And I love him so much for that. He really is my best friend.

And Kellie - I love her too. She understands me like we're sisters. I can tell her pretty much anything too. And she doesn't tell me that she loves me or that I'm the "best sister she's ever had" like Anna does, but she shows it, even if it's just by going to the mall with me. She leans on me, and she knows she can confide in me. We've become so close over the last ten months. And she's been there for me since Anna started slipping away. I just wish Anna would wake up and see what she's doing to herself. But I guess she'll come around eventually. There's not much I can do right now. But John and I are supposed to be going to Flat Rock, NC with her and her parents for a moonbounce job on July 21st. Let's just hope everything goes smoothly and everybody gets along that day.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep since I have to wake up and go back to work in less than 12 hours. I think I've decided that tomorrow night, I just want to hang out with John and Kellie and Joe. But that's just my mood right now. I may change my mind tomorrow. Who knows. Maybe Wednesday John and I can go see Christy and Kevin, or his grandparents if Christy and Kevin aren't available.

You know? I'm starting to wish John had his own place. We haven't talked about that in a while, but this is one of those nights where I would love nothing more than to spend the night with him. I'm starting to hate going to bed alone again - which, I guess is a good thing, since it kinda proves that whole 'back to normal' thing. But I guess what I'm saying is, I only hate going to bed alone because he's not here, and it feels like he should be; not because I'm getting used to it and it feels like I'll never see him again. Or whatever it was I said in that other post.

Anyway....yeah, I miss my boyfriend, ok? Sorry, but I don't think I'm out of the inseparable phase. And maybe that's a bad thing, but oh well. Get over it. I guess I'm just happy because I know how lucky I am to have him and because I just feel very, extremely content with my life right now. But this post is seriously long enough so I'm going to bed. I'll try to post again soon though.

Goodnight y'all.

Dose of optimism.

Well, this will probably be a brief post, but I just wanted to say that I think everything's back to normal now. I guess it's because of the conversation I had with John last night. I told him how 'off' I've been feeling lately, and he was pretty understanding. And then we ended up having a conversation about having kids. All in all, the night ended pretty well for us. He was really sweet last night (even though he says he's not sweet), and I finally felt like we were ok. So whatever it was about that conversation made everything better. Even he said he felt like things are back to normal. So I think that funk I was in is over now. And I'm extremely glad it is.

Oh, and John and I are both getting more hours at work, so I think our financial situation is going to get a lot better. I start bookkeeper training right after the 4th of July, so I know I'll be getting a lot more hours then. I'm hoping that he and I can go a few places and do some fun stuff before the summer's over - before he gets his wisdom teeth taken out and before I go on my cruise. And at some point this summer, I want John to go to the lake with me and my parents. I would also like Kellie and Joe to come too; it's just that Kellie works so much more than I do, so it's hard to find time when we're both off work. I would like to have some kind of cookout or something with everybody. But who knows what'll happen at this point.

Anyway, I'm going to go, because I think my dad's going to get lunch pretty soon, and I told him I would go with him. I feel bad for not spending any time with him yesterday since he just got back from Chicago on Saturday, but I think it was worth getting back on track with John. And besides, John works 5 to 10 tonight, so I can spend time with my parents then. It'll all work out.

Yay for optimism, right?

Desensitized.

Man, I don't know what's up with me. I feel like I'm just in some kind of funk. I'm feeling insecure about every little thing - namely things with John, even though it makes him mad when I'm like that. I just feel like...I don't know. It's like we're just not spending that much time together. Or like he doesn't want to. I don't know. I guess him missing me while he was gone to Daytona has worn off. Yet every day I feel like he just got back.

I think I need to go see Priscilla and Lydia. I keep getting this feeling like I need to go out there. Like maybe I haven't made peace with the fact that they're gone. Like maybe I've just been keeping everything inside for too long. This death thing really opened up a lot for me. John talking about it, I mean. It's like I'm coming to terms with everything.

What Zeb said about death made perfect sense. He said that "before you were born, there were no worries at all, and you definitely weren't thinking about life. It was more of like a peaceful sleep. So if you think about it in terms of where you came from then you shouldn't worry about much of anything." That was the best thing I've heard in a long time. And he's right. It makes perfect sense.

I think I just feel alone right now. Like there's nobody really here. Anna's gone. Kellie's gone. Everybody's gone. And whatever it is that's on my mind, I can't talk to anybody. I feel like nobody will understand me. Is this just some kind of relapse from graduation? Is this my subconscious trying to show that I'm afraid of my future and I'm still scared about being finished with high school? I just don't understand what's going on with my mind. I feel like everything's changing and my perfect little world is just falling all to pieces.

I wish it would stop.

A few months ago, whenever I went to bed, I always became uneasy because John wasn't with me. He was at my house so much and we were together so much and we watched tv and took naps so much that I felt like he should be there when I fell asleep at night. But I would take comfort in the fact that he had been with me, and that I would see him again the next day. Now? I become uneasy before I go to bed because I feel alone. He's not here, and I want him to be, but it's like he never will be. And because I feel like I'm not going to see him the next day. I don't know why I'm so worried about losing him. I know I'm not going to. I know I'm just freaking myself out for nothing. But that's part of it. This funk I'm in. My mind just won't stop about anything. And I hate this lonely feeling.

I'm just so terrified of everything.

John's busy this week, so I guess I won't get to see very much of him. What with work and stuff. Too bad I'm not getting a good paycheck until next Friday. Greenville Pickens is having a special event this weekend, and I want to go. And I really can't wait until I start my bookkeeper training at work. I'm getting really bored running the U-scan, and even being a cashier seems too dull these days. And not only that, but half the people I work with aren't even that much fun anymore. I hardly ever get to work with Terrance and Kenneth, and they're like my favorite people there. Especially since Clara quit. Jaac's ok, but he smokes pot. Anthony's too proper. Randy gets on my nerves. Audrey's nice. I love her. But I never get to work with her either. Chas and Carson are hardly ever there. And that new girl Holly - she has never spoken to me. She only talks to the guys. Melody - the seasonal girl - she seems...standoff-ish. Or something. I don't know. But Jim's my favorite. He's the nicest manager. He asks me about school and stuff all the time. He's the only one who seems to care the slightest bit about the employees.

Random bit about work there, I know. Whatever. I guess I should go to bed since I have to work tomorrow. I don't go in until 2, but I might have to take John to work if his car doesn't start. I hate that he's having problems with his car. I'm worried that I won't be able to help him out with transportation and money stuff because of my parents. I just need to build my bank account back up from where I bought my new stereo for my car. I refuse to touch the money I put aside for my savings account. Oh well. Things will work out. I'm getting a lot of hours at work now, so I should be able to help him out with anything. Without my parents making a fuss.

I think I'm going to go to bed now. I think talking about work calmed me down. There's just something about my Bilo that's different. John hates his Bilo, but I'm ok with mine. I don't think of it as a dreaded place. I'm actually comfortable there. But, while I'm relatively ok - while I don't feel like I'm on the verge of blowing some sort of mental fuse - I'm going to try to get some sleep. I think the lonely feeling's gone for now. But if I wait too long, it'll come back and I'll have trouble falling asleep.

Goodnight.

One of those nights.

This will be brief, I can tell you that.

So, tonight, John and I went to Olive Garden for dinner. Our conversation ended up being pretty...dark. Deep. Whatever you wanna call it. We talked about death - the issue that keeps bothering him. He wants to go to church. Religion makes me uncomfortable, even though I was brought up in a Christian school. But I have strong faith in God, and I believe that through him anything is possible. But that's not my point here. My point is, this whole death thing just uncovered a ton of emotions that I'd been getting over since Priscilla and Lydia's accident, back in February. It's like I still had some grieving left in me, but at the same time, I started thinking about all this other stuff. Like, what if I'm taking everything in my life for granted? What if I'm not appreciative enough? What if I'm not saying the right things or doing the right things?

And John said something about how he feels like 'death is near'. That scares me to hear him say that. I know he's just freaking himself out, but it scares me too. I refuse to entertain the thought of him being right about something like that. There is no way on Earth I could survive losing him. And I told him tonight that he's the one part of my life I don't take for granted. That's the truth. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him in my life. So if there's anything I don't take for granted, it's John.

I'm not sure why everything hit me like it did tonight. I guess I just wasn't expecting to talk about all that death stuff over dinner. But I definitely feel like I could let it out more. I just - I don't know. I probably just sound like a whiny little hormonal teenager when I say this, but I honestly just want to cry. But I feel stupid for crying - especially in front of John. Every time I start crying about something like this, he'll ask me what's wrong and then I can't get the words to come out right so I just sound like a complete idiot for being all emotional. It's like I know what's wrong, but I can't say what's wrong. Ugh. It's so frustrating.

I just wish John was still here with me. He makes everything better. He makes me feel like everything's going to be ok. And right now I feel alone. I don't want to go to bed tonight - alone. I want him here with me. Right now.

I feel like there's more I need to say, but I'm not sure what. Oh well. I'm not forcing my thoughts. In fact, while my mind's still relatively blank I'm going to try to get some sleep and get over this sudden separation anxiety from being away from my boyfriend.

Goodnight.

Missing is a weird emotion.

It's been a few days since my last post. Let's see...

Well. First thing's first: I graduated high school Saturday night. It was definitely awesome. I felt so accomplished. It was just a really cool feeling. My whole family was there to see me walk across the stage - and even John's family was there. We all went out to dinner afterwards and that's where I opened all my gifts n' stuff. After dinner, John and I were going to go to Wal-Mart but we ended up goofing off in the restaurant parking lot with Kellie and her mom and her brother. Then we went back to my house. My dad seemed to be in a pretty good mood when we got home, so I wanted to talk to him about the stereo I want for my car. I showed it to John, and then he ended up getting into this long conversation with my dad about car audio. My boyfriend and my dad actually got along for over an hour. They even started watching Iron Maiden music videos! It was just the coolest feeling to see my dad getting along with John like that. And like John said, for once, it felt like my parents finally took us seriously.

But right now, I'm not a happy camper. John left for vacation in Daytona Beach, Florida on Sunday, and I'm missing him terribly. For one thing, I'm mad that my parents didn't let me go after all. But I'm just....ugh. I'm so bummed that I'm not there with him. I keep having these cravings to go to Daytona. I keep getting these feelings like I'm at the beach. It's not fun at all. (Not much fun for little Harpo). I can't wait to see him when he comes back. He's coming back Saturday, and he's when he gets here, he's coming to my house and we're going to Greenville-Pickens. Saturday just can't get here fast enough.

In the mean time, while John's been gone, I've been spending some time with my aunt Michelle, who's in town until Saturday from Phoenix. We went downtown Monday and went to the park and played Frisbee, then today we went shopping. It's been pretty fun.

I guess I'm going to cut this post rather short because honestly, all I can think about is how badly I miss John and how badly I wish I could be in Daytona right now and how badly I want him to be home. I just want to give him a huge hug. (I know I will as soon as he gets back haha).

Anyway. I'm gonna go enjoy talking to him on AIM til his laptop battery is dead. And apparently, we've only got 30 minutes left.

Goodnight y'all.