One of those nights.

This will be brief, I can tell you that.

So, tonight, John and I went to Olive Garden for dinner. Our conversation ended up being pretty...dark. Deep. Whatever you wanna call it. We talked about death - the issue that keeps bothering him. He wants to go to church. Religion makes me uncomfortable, even though I was brought up in a Christian school. But I have strong faith in God, and I believe that through him anything is possible. But that's not my point here. My point is, this whole death thing just uncovered a ton of emotions that I'd been getting over since Priscilla and Lydia's accident, back in February. It's like I still had some grieving left in me, but at the same time, I started thinking about all this other stuff. Like, what if I'm taking everything in my life for granted? What if I'm not appreciative enough? What if I'm not saying the right things or doing the right things?

And John said something about how he feels like 'death is near'. That scares me to hear him say that. I know he's just freaking himself out, but it scares me too. I refuse to entertain the thought of him being right about something like that. There is no way on Earth I could survive losing him. And I told him tonight that he's the one part of my life I don't take for granted. That's the truth. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him in my life. So if there's anything I don't take for granted, it's John.

I'm not sure why everything hit me like it did tonight. I guess I just wasn't expecting to talk about all that death stuff over dinner. But I definitely feel like I could let it out more. I just - I don't know. I probably just sound like a whiny little hormonal teenager when I say this, but I honestly just want to cry. But I feel stupid for crying - especially in front of John. Every time I start crying about something like this, he'll ask me what's wrong and then I can't get the words to come out right so I just sound like a complete idiot for being all emotional. It's like I know what's wrong, but I can't say what's wrong. Ugh. It's so frustrating.

I just wish John was still here with me. He makes everything better. He makes me feel like everything's going to be ok. And right now I feel alone. I don't want to go to bed tonight - alone. I want him here with me. Right now.

I feel like there's more I need to say, but I'm not sure what. Oh well. I'm not forcing my thoughts. In fact, while my mind's still relatively blank I'm going to try to get some sleep and get over this sudden separation anxiety from being away from my boyfriend.

Goodnight.