Kiss me in the rain.

Man, what is it with me and this whole 'being comfortable' lately?

John came to see me at Bilo when he got off work tonight. I got off a few minutes early, so we went to Walmart. It was fun. When we were walking out of Bilo, it was pouring down rain, so we ran to our cars, and I threw my stuff inside the car so we could "kiss in the rain". Yeah, that was romantic for all of ten seconds. Haha. It was raining so hard we had to get in the car - even though we were already soaking wet. But once we got in the car, we decided to head on over to Walmart. There, we tried on "redneck stuff" - camouflage jackets, camouflage hats...you know, redneck stuff. And let me tell you something - my boyfriend is hella sexy in camo. Seriously. Anyway, we left Walmart and went back to Bilo to get my car. When we got back, I was fixing to get out, and John kissed me. It was one of those kisses that makes you forget where you are, or what's even going on around you. It was just perfect.

Anyway, after I got out, I got in my car and for once, I had no idea what music to listen to on the way home. I know I keep bringing up this whole 'comfort' stuff, but seriously - that's what it is. I'm suddenly just so content with my life and the people in it and the situations I find myself in. It's almost scary. And when John was texting me last night about why he doesn't want me to get a tattoo, he said because he "loves me now more than ever". Well, somehow, that's true for me too. I don't know what happened, but I've been coming to the realization that I love him now more than ever too. In fact, I didn't know it was humanly possible to love someone this much.

Wow. That sounded so cheesy. My bad.

But it's true. Every day, I just want to see him and give him a huge hug and tell him that I love him more than anything. I don't take him for granted. And every night when he's bringing me home or whenever we're leaving each other and I end up kissing him a thousand times before I actually leave? It's because I like his kisses. It's because I know that if something ever happened to him - if he were ever taken away from me - I would miss the way his breath smells or that dazed look he always gets on his face. Things like that are important to me. But maybe that's just me being a silly teenage girl. Who knows.

What I do know is that I'm pretty damn lucky to have a boyfriend like him. He says all the right things and does all the right things. He makes me feel perfect. I'm finally perfect for somebody. And that feels right. That feels comfortable to me.

The longest night.

Well, tonight was rather interesting for me. After John left for work, I talked to Kellie and we decided to go look at wedding dresses at David's Bridal. (Yeah, the wedding is December 19th, and I might get to be her maid of honor). Anyway, around 7, she and Joe came to my house and we left for the bridal store. Well, John texted me when we were leaving, saying something about a customer that I used to know coming into Bilo. I figured he was on break, so I texted him, but I never heard anything back. So Kellie, Joe and I left. We got to Powdersville, and I didn't see John's car in the Bilo parking lot. I figured he'd gone to McDonald's, but then when I got to the intersection of 153 and Anderson Road, I saw him standing outside some truck. I had no idea what he was doing, but when the traffic light turned green and I pulled forward, I realized John's car was sitting there. I panicked. I turned around and went back to the intersection as fast as I could. It's funny, because I knew he was alright - he was standing up for crying out loud. But it's like I had some instinct inside me that just had to be sure he was okay. He'd been in a minor car wreck. Well, it wasn't even really a wreck - more like a...bent-hood-and-scratch-on-the-bumper incident. But it was embarrassing for him. And I think it ended up messing up his radiator, but he should be able to get it fixed.

Anyway, after I waited for him to get cleared from the incident, I took Kellie and Joe to David's Bridal. Kellie found a really pretty - simple, but pretty - wedding dress that she's probably going too get when she goes back on Wednesday. I'm so happy for her. I know she's excited, and I am too. Anyway, after we dress-shopped, we went to Don Pablos for dinner. That was nice. We just talked and goofed off the whole time. All I really thought about was John though. For some reason, I still felt overprotective of him. And I think that's why we ended up going back by Bilo on the way home and waiting for him to get off work.

We were all going to go to Wal-Mart tonight when John got off work, but his car was acting funny (to say the least), so we ended up missing Kellie and Joe. It's okay though. There's always Wednesday.

I just keep thinking that somehow, even though tonight was horrible for John, and even though nothing really went according to anybody's plan, it was perfect. It's like my universe is completely in order because of tonight. I'm somehow content with life at this exact moment. And I also realized tonight how important the people in my life really are. When I was eating dinner with Kellie and Joe, sure, I couldn't help but wish my boyfriend was there too, but I didn't totally feel like a third wheel. I just felt like my other half was missing. But while we were at the restaurant, I just thought to myself how I'm so lucky to have them as my friends - especially Kellie - and how fun they are and how well we all get along. And when I saw John and realized he'd been in an accident - even though it wasn't that serious - all I did was panic. And I realized in the few seconds it took for me to turn around and go back to the intersection that I'd fall all to pieces if something ever happened to him. I just kept thinking how quickly I could lose him - how when you least expect it, the very worst can happen. But he's okay. And saying I'm relieved would be an understatement.

I don't know. I guess I'm just in one of those reflecting moods right now. I feel like I've witnessed somebody's dream unfold before my eyes. But I also feel like I've gained some kind of insight into the people around me and the relationships I have with them. I know that I don't take the people in my life for granted. It's just funny how even the smallest things like chips and salsa or a scratched hood can make you realize things like that.

Anyway, that was my reflection for the night. And now I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

The best kind of rain.

Man, today has been the perfect day. I woke up this morning to John’s text message, and I was so unbelievably comfortable. I didn’t want to move. John came over shortly after I woke up to eat before he went to work. It was great. We watched Dora the Explorer haha. Then we brought PJ, my cat, into the house to chill with us after we ate. He’s so cute. He ran all over the house, and then he went in my bedroom. So John and I went in there and PJ was on my bed, so we lay down with him for like half an hour. It was so cute. And John mentioned that it felt like we were living together. He was right. All morning, it felt like we had our own place, and PJ made up our little family. It was so comfortable. And on top of that, it was raining this morning. Well, it’s been raining all day, but that just made it extra cozy this morning. It was just perfect. And after John left for work, I kept PJ in the house, and he ended up falling asleep with me on the couch. It was so cute, I just had to take a picture.

I’ve just been really comfortable all day. And I had lunch with my mom today. That was nice. Now I’m just hanging out at her office until I have to go to work. I’m a little sleepy, but I think it’s just that whole being comfortable thing. And the rain. The rain definitely has something to do with it.

I talked to Kellie last night and this morning. She and Joe are getting a place together. And their wedding date is set for December 19^th. I can’t wait. John and I are both going to be in the wedding, too. Kellie said she’d make sure we walk in together. It’s going to be awesome. I’m so happy for her. I also envy her a little bit. I mean, I certainly don’t want to get married any time soon, but a part of me wishes John and I could have a place together. Or that he could have his own apartment. I’m so tired of his parents treating him like shit, and I want him to have a better life. I want him to be able to get away from them. And I hope that by the time he turns 21, he’ll have enough money saved up so that he can move out. And I can help him. I will help him. I want so much better for him. His parents wouldn’t even let him make his own dinner last night. At 10:00 last night, they told him it was too late to cook macaroni. But he was hungry. They told him to make a sandwich. How fucking mean. How do you tell your own son that he can’t make his own dinner in his own house? When he told me that, it just flew all over me. I felt bad that I’d been talking to my mom and that I hadn’t gotten his text messages until like half an hour after he sent them. But that’s not the point. Point is – his parents have no reason to treat him like that. And his dad said John needs to treat his mom better and blah blah blah, but they need to learn to treat him better. They need to act like parents. I get home from work at 11:30 at night all the time, and my mom tells me if I’m hungry and want to fix something to eat, I can, as long as I clean up my dishes. So John’s parents are just giving him crap.

Sorry, I guess I could go on and on about them. They just make me so mad. And John deserves better. He tells me that he’s sorry for “burdening me with his problems”, but that’s not what he’s doing. He has every right to complain.

Anyway, I guess I’m gonna go. I have to get ready for work soon. Maybe I’ll post again tonight, but who knows.

Working things out.

Well, my dad's certainly not in a good mood right now. He's probably mad because he probably thinks I lied about where I was this afternoon. But I really did go get gas. I have the receipt to prove it. So technically I'm innocent....as far as they know.

But is it really such a criminal thing that I spent the afternoon at my boyfriend's house? Something good actually came out of it. Well, not really a "thing", per se, but we had a good talk. So I'm glad I stayed. I was just having one of my 'moments' this afternoon, and John puts up with those pretty well. And I confronted him about the whole internet thing - being online 24/7. We're ok. I'm just trying to get into the habit of putting my feelings out in the open. John always gets mad when I don't tell him something's wrong, so I'm trying my best to be open about the things that come to my mind.

I told him today that I'm needy. He knows that. But it's not so much that I'm needy. I just prefer his attention. And I'm not sure why I'm like that. I just am. I don't need to be with him constantly, or talking to him constantly, but I like knowing that he's there for me, and I enjoy being with him. He's a constant in my life. I do well with those. I guess I just appreciate him too much or...something. I don't know where I'm going with that, really.

Ok, I'm really sleepy all of a sudden, but I don't want to fall asleep cause my dad's like right beside the couch on the desktop computer, and it's kind of awkward right now because he's totally not talking to me. He's unresponsive to everything I say. Oh well. I'm just gonna say it's because of work. It shouldn't be because of me. I wish he would go fishing or something.

I'd like to go out to lunch with my mom this week. Either tomorrow or Friday. Probably Friday, since John and I will probably hang out tomorrow after school. But if I decide to do something with my mom tomorrow instead, I know he'll understand. I just hope my mom's not all mad too. That receipt from the gas station is my alibi, man. And I guess I won't get to meet John on break tonight. I just don't want to hear her nag about how I "spend all my time with him" and blah blah blah. She makes me feel so horrible about it. Or, well, she tries to. But the stupid thing is - whenever I try to actually do stuff with her and spend time with her, she puts it off or gives me some lame-ass excuse. It's annoying. But at least I try, right?

So I was watching Dexter today, and it was the last episode of Season 3. Dexter and Rita were getting married. That made me think about my wedding day. I wonder what it's going to be like. John and I have talked about it countless times, but we have so many ideas, it's hard to picture how it'll really be. I like the dress Rita wears though. It's simple but it's beautiful. And you know what else Dexter makes me think about? Having kids. I know it's just a tv show, but watching Rita go through the pregnancy makes me wish I was ready to have kids of my own. I mean, I know I'm nowhere near ready for something like that, but I just keep having these scenarios pop into my head of being a mom. Random, I know.

Anyway, my mom's home now. I guess I'm going to go. Maybe I'll post again later tonight, but I'm going to try to study for my medical terminology quiz and possibly read a little psychology.

That's all for now, though.

Comfort.

I think I'm just going to take back what I said in that last post. Well, maybe not. (Hey, that was at 4 in the morning - cut me some slack, k?) I just think maybe I was overanalyzing then. Even though that was kind of the point I was trying to make.

Ugh, whatever. Anyway, tonight John and I went to the fair. Everything felt right. Comfortable. And we went to Cracker Barrel afterwards. That was especially comfortable. I made him laugh a lot, and that made me feel really good. I love to watch him laugh - it's just a relief knowing that he's laughing because of me.

And yes, I'm still over-thinking and second-guessing my behavior around him, but it's getting better. He was awfully nice to me tonight. I felt undeserving, but I felt special. When we were leaving Cracker Barrel, we were walking out into the parking lot and he put his arm around me and then when we got to his car, he opened the door for me. He opened the door for me at Waffle House too. I appreciate those little gestures. It's little things like opening car doors that make me realize how much he cares about me - and how much I care about him.

But as far as that whole second-guessing thing goes, I only get that feeling when he says or does something I find attractive. It's like I find myself making it a point not to say he's 'hot' or something. I dunno. But I'll get over it. Especially if we have more nights like tonight.

Oh, and I got an airbrush tattoo at the fair that I'm seriously considering making permanent. It's a set of stars behind my left ear. I would put up a picture, but all the ones I have are on John's camera. It's pretty awesome though. But that's just a thought for now.....

Anyway, I'm seriously comfortable right now, so I'm going to go to bed. I think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Nothing's bothering me anymore.

Goodnight.

Fail.

I can't sleep. It's 4am, and I'm wide awake. I have been for the last....hour or so? I haven't really slept all night. I keep tossing and turning. And I can't stop thinking about John. This whole issue with the gURL message boards is just nagging at me. I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. I said things I shouldn't have said - things I should've just said to his face. But that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. He just thinks that all I want is sex. But that's not it at all. All I want is to be intimate with my own boyfriend. The way I see it, I'm never going to be with anyone else. I think it's normal that I feel that way about him. But it's not all I want.

I just feel like shit about the whole thing. And I should. John said before he left last night that he feels like 'somehow, our relationship is better', after talking about it or whatever, and yeah, it might be, but I'm just scared. I know that from now on, I'm going to over-analyze and second-guess everything I do around him. I'm going be afraid to kiss him because he'll think I want it to go further. And I don't. I like the way he kisses me. But now? I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy that anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to wrap my arms around him or touch him in any way because it might seem too 'sexual'.

God, why can't I go to sleep already?

He's forgiven me for the whole thing, but obviously he won't forget. I just want to put it behind us. I really screwed up. But it could've been worse, I guess. It was just a couple of posts on an online message board. It's not like I cheated on him. Still, I just made one big mess out of things, and even though we talked about it and we're "better" now, it's still bothering me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I just want to go into a corner and curl up in a ball. And now I feel like I won't be able to talk to anybody about anything. If John and I have anymore problems and I try to confront him about it, he'll probably say it has something to do with sex. I don't have anybody to confide in. I can't tell my mom that this whole thing is bothering me. I don't want to explain to her how it got started and give her all the details. She'll just see it as a way out for me - another reason for me to "date other people".

I just feel like I've been labeled or something. Like I'm the girl who only wants sex. But I'm not. If I was that girl, I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I want someone to share my whole life with. Sex is only a small part of it. But not now. It's going to be nonexistent now.

Anyway, I think I've typed enough to make myself sleepy. Hopefully I can sleep from now until 8, which is when I have to start getting ready for work.

Goodnight, I guess.

Best one of the best ones.

So, originally, I was going to post a nice little blog and talk about how I haven't posted in a while and how I'm excited fall's here and blah blah blah. But I don't feel like typing all that anymore, and quite frankly, I'm not sure what I was going to say after all. 

John came to see me at work today. He was there for a while. He stayed there while he waited on his mom to meet him at Brixx for dinner. Then he came back by afterwards to tell me how horribly the dinner went. I won't go into detail, but it's safe to say that his mom's just a bitch, and she doesn't care about her own son. She treats him like crap. And he deserves so much better than that. She doesn't support him, she doesn't listen to him - she's not a real mother to him. And I can't stand it. But I'm glad I can be there for him. 

We went to Waffle House after I got off work. We stayed there for a while, and he just talked about dinner with his mom. I hate seeing him so...depressed. He only gets that way when he's talking about his parents. I've seen it. It's like happiness just drains out of him. He's not himself, even when he's just talking about them. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and comfort him. He's always so good to me, and I just wanted to return the favor. I can't stand seeing him unhappy. I hope I made him feel better. 

After we ate, we went outside and sat in John's car. He was trying to pick a song to listen to, and he ended up playing "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. It was the first time I'd ever heard the song. But when it was playing, he kissed me. And for some reason, that moment really affected me. All I heard of the song was the line, "You have stolen my heart" playing in the background. But something about the way he was holding me, and the way he was kissing me, and the music and the lyrics of the song playing - it was just the perfect moment. And for some reason, it really got to me. I actually felt a lump in my throat as I was getting out of the car. Not in a bad way, though. I'm really not even sure why. But somehow, tonight was one of the best nights I've had in a while. 

On a different note, I'm glad I don't have to be at work until 5 tomorrow. I definitely want to chill after school. And I'm hoping the weather stays nice. It's really starting to feel like fall, and it just makes everything better. 

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I just wanted to share that thought about tonight. I know I must sound like a silly teenage girl, but it's just how I felt tonight. I think I just had one of those moments where I realized what's really important to me, and at the same time, I felt important to someone else. And for the record, I'm glad John's in my life. I don't know what I'd do without him. Somehow, in this crazy world - out of all the ways things could've worked out - we ended up together and I think it's just meant to be that way.