Fail.

I can't sleep. It's 4am, and I'm wide awake. I have been for the last....hour or so? I haven't really slept all night. I keep tossing and turning. And I can't stop thinking about John. This whole issue with the gURL message boards is just nagging at me. I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. I said things I shouldn't have said - things I should've just said to his face. But that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. He just thinks that all I want is sex. But that's not it at all. All I want is to be intimate with my own boyfriend. The way I see it, I'm never going to be with anyone else. I think it's normal that I feel that way about him. But it's not all I want.

I just feel like shit about the whole thing. And I should. John said before he left last night that he feels like 'somehow, our relationship is better', after talking about it or whatever, and yeah, it might be, but I'm just scared. I know that from now on, I'm going to over-analyze and second-guess everything I do around him. I'm going be afraid to kiss him because he'll think I want it to go further. And I don't. I like the way he kisses me. But now? I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy that anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to wrap my arms around him or touch him in any way because it might seem too 'sexual'.

God, why can't I go to sleep already?

He's forgiven me for the whole thing, but obviously he won't forget. I just want to put it behind us. I really screwed up. But it could've been worse, I guess. It was just a couple of posts on an online message board. It's not like I cheated on him. Still, I just made one big mess out of things, and even though we talked about it and we're "better" now, it's still bothering me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I just want to go into a corner and curl up in a ball. And now I feel like I won't be able to talk to anybody about anything. If John and I have anymore problems and I try to confront him about it, he'll probably say it has something to do with sex. I don't have anybody to confide in. I can't tell my mom that this whole thing is bothering me. I don't want to explain to her how it got started and give her all the details. She'll just see it as a way out for me - another reason for me to "date other people".

I just feel like I've been labeled or something. Like I'm the girl who only wants sex. But I'm not. If I was that girl, I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I want someone to share my whole life with. Sex is only a small part of it. But not now. It's going to be nonexistent now.

Anyway, I think I've typed enough to make myself sleepy. Hopefully I can sleep from now until 8, which is when I have to start getting ready for work.

Goodnight, I guess.