Desensitized.

Man, I don't know what's up with me. I feel like I'm just in some kind of funk. I'm feeling insecure about every little thing - namely things with John, even though it makes him mad when I'm like that. I just feel like...I don't know. It's like we're just not spending that much time together. Or like he doesn't want to. I don't know. I guess him missing me while he was gone to Daytona has worn off. Yet every day I feel like he just got back.

I think I need to go see Priscilla and Lydia. I keep getting this feeling like I need to go out there. Like maybe I haven't made peace with the fact that they're gone. Like maybe I've just been keeping everything inside for too long. This death thing really opened up a lot for me. John talking about it, I mean. It's like I'm coming to terms with everything.

What Zeb said about death made perfect sense. He said that "before you were born, there were no worries at all, and you definitely weren't thinking about life. It was more of like a peaceful sleep. So if you think about it in terms of where you came from then you shouldn't worry about much of anything." That was the best thing I've heard in a long time. And he's right. It makes perfect sense.

I think I just feel alone right now. Like there's nobody really here. Anna's gone. Kellie's gone. Everybody's gone. And whatever it is that's on my mind, I can't talk to anybody. I feel like nobody will understand me. Is this just some kind of relapse from graduation? Is this my subconscious trying to show that I'm afraid of my future and I'm still scared about being finished with high school? I just don't understand what's going on with my mind. I feel like everything's changing and my perfect little world is just falling all to pieces.

I wish it would stop.

A few months ago, whenever I went to bed, I always became uneasy because John wasn't with me. He was at my house so much and we were together so much and we watched tv and took naps so much that I felt like he should be there when I fell asleep at night. But I would take comfort in the fact that he had been with me, and that I would see him again the next day. Now? I become uneasy before I go to bed because I feel alone. He's not here, and I want him to be, but it's like he never will be. And because I feel like I'm not going to see him the next day. I don't know why I'm so worried about losing him. I know I'm not going to. I know I'm just freaking myself out for nothing. But that's part of it. This funk I'm in. My mind just won't stop about anything. And I hate this lonely feeling.

I'm just so terrified of everything.

John's busy this week, so I guess I won't get to see very much of him. What with work and stuff. Too bad I'm not getting a good paycheck until next Friday. Greenville Pickens is having a special event this weekend, and I want to go. And I really can't wait until I start my bookkeeper training at work. I'm getting really bored running the U-scan, and even being a cashier seems too dull these days. And not only that, but half the people I work with aren't even that much fun anymore. I hardly ever get to work with Terrance and Kenneth, and they're like my favorite people there. Especially since Clara quit. Jaac's ok, but he smokes pot. Anthony's too proper. Randy gets on my nerves. Audrey's nice. I love her. But I never get to work with her either. Chas and Carson are hardly ever there. And that new girl Holly - she has never spoken to me. She only talks to the guys. Melody - the seasonal girl - she seems...standoff-ish. Or something. I don't know. But Jim's my favorite. He's the nicest manager. He asks me about school and stuff all the time. He's the only one who seems to care the slightest bit about the employees.

Random bit about work there, I know. Whatever. I guess I should go to bed since I have to work tomorrow. I don't go in until 2, but I might have to take John to work if his car doesn't start. I hate that he's having problems with his car. I'm worried that I won't be able to help him out with transportation and money stuff because of my parents. I just need to build my bank account back up from where I bought my new stereo for my car. I refuse to touch the money I put aside for my savings account. Oh well. Things will work out. I'm getting a lot of hours at work now, so I should be able to help him out with anything. Without my parents making a fuss.

I think I'm going to go to bed now. I think talking about work calmed me down. There's just something about my Bilo that's different. John hates his Bilo, but I'm ok with mine. I don't think of it as a dreaded place. I'm actually comfortable there. But, while I'm relatively ok - while I don't feel like I'm on the verge of blowing some sort of mental fuse - I'm going to try to get some sleep. I think the lonely feeling's gone for now. But if I wait too long, it'll come back and I'll have trouble falling asleep.

Goodnight.