Comfort.

I think I'm just going to take back what I said in that last post. Well, maybe not. (Hey, that was at 4 in the morning - cut me some slack, k?) I just think maybe I was overanalyzing then. Even though that was kind of the point I was trying to make.

Ugh, whatever. Anyway, tonight John and I went to the fair. Everything felt right. Comfortable. And we went to Cracker Barrel afterwards. That was especially comfortable. I made him laugh a lot, and that made me feel really good. I love to watch him laugh - it's just a relief knowing that he's laughing because of me.

And yes, I'm still over-thinking and second-guessing my behavior around him, but it's getting better. He was awfully nice to me tonight. I felt undeserving, but I felt special. When we were leaving Cracker Barrel, we were walking out into the parking lot and he put his arm around me and then when we got to his car, he opened the door for me. He opened the door for me at Waffle House too. I appreciate those little gestures. It's little things like opening car doors that make me realize how much he cares about me - and how much I care about him.

But as far as that whole second-guessing thing goes, I only get that feeling when he says or does something I find attractive. It's like I find myself making it a point not to say he's 'hot' or something. I dunno. But I'll get over it. Especially if we have more nights like tonight.

Oh, and I got an airbrush tattoo at the fair that I'm seriously considering making permanent. It's a set of stars behind my left ear. I would put up a picture, but all the ones I have are on John's camera. It's pretty awesome though. But that's just a thought for now.....

Anyway, I'm seriously comfortable right now, so I'm going to go to bed. I think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Nothing's bothering me anymore.

Goodnight.

Fail.

I can't sleep. It's 4am, and I'm wide awake. I have been for the last....hour or so? I haven't really slept all night. I keep tossing and turning. And I can't stop thinking about John. This whole issue with the gURL message boards is just nagging at me. I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. I said things I shouldn't have said - things I should've just said to his face. But that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. He just thinks that all I want is sex. But that's not it at all. All I want is to be intimate with my own boyfriend. The way I see it, I'm never going to be with anyone else. I think it's normal that I feel that way about him. But it's not all I want.

I just feel like shit about the whole thing. And I should. John said before he left last night that he feels like 'somehow, our relationship is better', after talking about it or whatever, and yeah, it might be, but I'm just scared. I know that from now on, I'm going to over-analyze and second-guess everything I do around him. I'm going be afraid to kiss him because he'll think I want it to go further. And I don't. I like the way he kisses me. But now? I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy that anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to wrap my arms around him or touch him in any way because it might seem too 'sexual'.

God, why can't I go to sleep already?

He's forgiven me for the whole thing, but obviously he won't forget. I just want to put it behind us. I really screwed up. But it could've been worse, I guess. It was just a couple of posts on an online message board. It's not like I cheated on him. Still, I just made one big mess out of things, and even though we talked about it and we're "better" now, it's still bothering me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I just want to go into a corner and curl up in a ball. And now I feel like I won't be able to talk to anybody about anything. If John and I have anymore problems and I try to confront him about it, he'll probably say it has something to do with sex. I don't have anybody to confide in. I can't tell my mom that this whole thing is bothering me. I don't want to explain to her how it got started and give her all the details. She'll just see it as a way out for me - another reason for me to "date other people".

I just feel like I've been labeled or something. Like I'm the girl who only wants sex. But I'm not. If I was that girl, I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I want someone to share my whole life with. Sex is only a small part of it. But not now. It's going to be nonexistent now.

Anyway, I think I've typed enough to make myself sleepy. Hopefully I can sleep from now until 8, which is when I have to start getting ready for work.

Goodnight, I guess.

Best one of the best ones.

So, originally, I was going to post a nice little blog and talk about how I haven't posted in a while and how I'm excited fall's here and blah blah blah. But I don't feel like typing all that anymore, and quite frankly, I'm not sure what I was going to say after all. 

John came to see me at work today. He was there for a while. He stayed there while he waited on his mom to meet him at Brixx for dinner. Then he came back by afterwards to tell me how horribly the dinner went. I won't go into detail, but it's safe to say that his mom's just a bitch, and she doesn't care about her own son. She treats him like crap. And he deserves so much better than that. She doesn't support him, she doesn't listen to him - she's not a real mother to him. And I can't stand it. But I'm glad I can be there for him. 

We went to Waffle House after I got off work. We stayed there for a while, and he just talked about dinner with his mom. I hate seeing him so...depressed. He only gets that way when he's talking about his parents. I've seen it. It's like happiness just drains out of him. He's not himself, even when he's just talking about them. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and comfort him. He's always so good to me, and I just wanted to return the favor. I can't stand seeing him unhappy. I hope I made him feel better. 

After we ate, we went outside and sat in John's car. He was trying to pick a song to listen to, and he ended up playing "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. It was the first time I'd ever heard the song. But when it was playing, he kissed me. And for some reason, that moment really affected me. All I heard of the song was the line, "You have stolen my heart" playing in the background. But something about the way he was holding me, and the way he was kissing me, and the music and the lyrics of the song playing - it was just the perfect moment. And for some reason, it really got to me. I actually felt a lump in my throat as I was getting out of the car. Not in a bad way, though. I'm really not even sure why. But somehow, tonight was one of the best nights I've had in a while. 

On a different note, I'm glad I don't have to be at work until 5 tomorrow. I definitely want to chill after school. And I'm hoping the weather stays nice. It's really starting to feel like fall, and it just makes everything better. 

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I just wanted to share that thought about tonight. I know I must sound like a silly teenage girl, but it's just how I felt tonight. I think I just had one of those moments where I realized what's really important to me, and at the same time, I felt important to someone else. And for the record, I'm glad John's in my life. I don't know what I'd do without him. Somehow, in this crazy world - out of all the ways things could've worked out - we ended up together and I think it's just meant to be that way. 

Break.

I think I picked the wrong week to go on vacation. Why? Because (not only did I miss TWO Green Day concerts, but) I came back home, and suddenly I'm having a really bad week. Or maybe it's not that bad, but it sure as hell feels like it. I've seen John one day since I got back. I've been home since Saturday, and we only hung out on Sunday. Today's Wednesday. It's frustrating. I missed him like crazy while I was gone last week. And I miss him again already. He came to Bilo to see me last night, but it was really pointless because I was in the cash office with a bunch of tills and I couldn't really talk. The only time I've seen him since Sunday is online. Woo hoo.

I don't think I feel like typing anymore. My mom's making me extremely mad because she won't stop nagging me about my school schedule. My Spanish class got cancelled, so now I have to either switch two of my classes so I can take Spanish, or just take something else instead. The only other thing I would take besides Spanish would be computer, and I was hoping to take that with John next semester. I'm really not sure what I should do. Right now, I feel like I should switch my math and psychology so I can take Spanish. I would only have one class with John, but right now, I feel like that might just be best.

I don't know. I wish I could go back to Saturday night. I was home from Miami, I was hanging out with John, everything was great. Now I'm just alone and stressed and...right now I'm very hungry. But I'm going out to lunch with my grandma and my cousin, so I'm not going to eat anything yet. And it's raining. I used to like rainy days. I don't think I like it today.

Travel the world, and the seven seas.

The ocean looks angry tonight. It’s black. The waves are slapping against each other, causing white foam to spray everywhere. The moon is casting a leathery shadow on the black water – it almost looks like snakeskin. The swells are huge, and the ship is rocking with each crest. There are seagulls flying overhead, going who knows where. The decks on the ship are rather quiet tonight; the lights create a magical haze around the entire ship, filling the spaces where the crowds are gone in for the night. All I can hear is the rushing sound of the water. Inside, the ship’s nightlife is in full swing. People are leaving the dining rooms and filing into the hallways. It’s so noisy and colorful. Yet when you open the door to come outside onto the third-floor deck, a tornado-like gust of wind hits your entire body, and then you’re in a state of calm. It’s a different world out here on the deck – no people, no music – only you and the night.

Seeing Mother Nature angry like this is almost comforting. Sure, it’s a little scary being out in the middle of the ocean at night watching 10-foot swells hammer the side of the ship you’re vacationing on, and feeling the up-and-down motion of the waves, but at the same time it’s like poetry. It’s beautiful. It’s chaos, unfolding right before your eyes. Mother Nature is upset, and she wants you to feel it too.

In a way, I can relate. I’m upset because my boyfriend isn’t with me. I’m upset because he can’t experience this cruise with me. Granted, I’m not causing everyone around me to be severely nauseated and unable to walk in a straight line, but my moods are rather up and down like the waves. I’m happy, but I’m depressed. The ocean is more comforting to me than anything, yet I’m still uncomfortable because my boyfriend’s arms aren’t wrapped around me. Actually, I guess you could say being in his arms is more comforting to me than anything. But I guess the ocean is the next best thing. I just find it ironic because it’s almost like the ocean is doing the pouting for me.

I’m waking up in San Juan, Puerto Rico tomorrow morning. We’re scheduled to arrive at 7 AM. I’d like to be awake, but I doubt I will be. It’s funny, because I’m on vacation yet I’m resting less than I do when I’m at home and working every day. And at some point, I would like to wake up early and watch the sunrise on the Sky deck, but it’ll probably just make me wish John was here to watch it with me…

Oh, who am I kidding? Everything on this ship makes me wish John was with me. I see all these couples getting their pictures made, and I want it to be me and him. I want nothing more than to hug him right now. It’s so strange – I didn’t realize how much I would miss him physically. And no, not like that physically. I miss his face and his smile and the way he sneezes. I love the way he holds me – how we just fit perfectly together. And if I could have that here – if I could just be with him on this cruise…if he could see what I’m seeing – the angry ocean and the full moon…if he could smell what I smell – the salty water, the greasy leftover food smell drifting down from the top deck…if he could experience this with me. If only he were here.

I really should stop talking about it like that. I sound desperate and needy. But it’s frustrating knowing that the one thing that would make my vacation – my entire summer – complete is the one thing that absolutely cannot happen.

I like Mother Nature. She’s my new best friend.

The snooze cruise.

Man, who would’ve thought a cruise would be so boring? And not only that, but I can’t even communicate with my own boyfriend. WiFi is $100 – just for 250 minutes worth. I mean, I guess if you do the math, it’s only like $25 dollars an hour, but who cares? For what the actual cruise costs, WiFi should be included. And sure, I have a cell phone, but we’re out in the middle of the ocean. John has called me like five times today, and I can’t answer because we’re not in a cell phone coverage area. It would cost too much just to answer the phone and talk for a few minutes. I miss him terribly though. My parents are boring, and they’re making me feel like a third wheel. They went to breakfast this morning without me. All my dad cares about is drinking, and my mom’s so ADD she can’t pick just one thing to do. And whatever I want to do, she wants to do the opposite.

I just keep having all these “if” moments. Like, if John were here, we could go down the water slide and sit in the pool on the Lido deck and watch whatever movie is playing on the big screen. Or we could go to one of the shows in the Venetian Palace. Or we could go play mini-golf on the top deck. Or we could go eat at the buffet at 2:00 in the morning. He could escort me to dinner tonight – it’s Formal Night, where everybody dresses up in their best dresses and suits. I’m wearing my prom dress. And it would only be right for him to escort me, seeing as how he was my prom date this year. And when we were at Half Moon Cay, I kept seeing all these couples out in the water. I just kept imagining how that could be me and John. It’s just so wrong to be here without him. And it’s weird because every other year I’ve been on vacation, I haven’t had a boyfriend. But now that I do, I can’t stand him not being with me. Especially on a cruise. We would’ve had so much fun together on this boat.

Y’know, it just occurred to me – I hope John was only calling because he misses me and wants to talk to me, not because something’s wrong at home. But I’m going to put that thought out of my mind. It’s just like we can’t get to St. Thomas fast enough. The first thing I’m gonna do when we get to St. Thomas in the morning is call John. I don’t care if he’s awake or not, I’m calling him.

I guess I need to stop going on and on about how I miss my boyfriend. I think I’m whining too much. But don’t I have a right to? This cruise was supposed to be for my graduation, and I didn’t even get to bring anybody with me. It’s no different than any other vacation with my parents. So yeah, I’m a little upset about it.

Anyway, I guess I’m going to go for now. My computer battery is almost dead, and my mom’s drying her hair so I can’t charge my computer. Plus, it’s almost 6:00. I need to finish getting ready for dinner. But I’ll probably be posting again at least once or twice before this vacation’s over. If “vacation” is what you want to call it.

Getting there is half the fun. I think.

Well, I’m going down the road on I-95, so obviously there’s no WiFi available. So I’m writing this on Microsoft Word, but I’m going to post this online as soon as I find some WiFi.

We’re still in South Carolina right now. We just stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast. It’s about 8:00, so I think we’re making pretty good time. We have a little less than 30 miles before we’re out of South Carolina. I ended up going back to sleep after we got on 385. I slept the whole way through Columbia, which is surprising since my dad was driving. But I kept waking up and going back to sleep hoping that the next time I looked at my phone, I would have a text message from John. I miss him like crazy already. I wish he was here with me. He gave me his bottle of Fierce cologne, and I’ve caught myself smelling it already. You would think I’m going away to college for four years or something. It’s just a cruise. It’s just a week. I guess I’m just disappointed because this vacation didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. And I know Michelle couldn’t help losing her job, but still. That’s basically why I’m stuck sleeping on the pull-down-from-the-wall bunk bed in my parents’ room. Kellie couldn’t afford to go, Anna just plain won’t go (in fact, I’m pretty sure she could care less about doing anything with me, let alone a cruise), and my parents wouldn’t let John go. And that would’ve made everything perfect. But I’m secretly hoping (well, secretly as far as my parents are concerned) that next year, for John’s 21st birthday, we can go on a cruise – just me and him. I know right now it’s a long shot, but I think we could make it happen. We’ve just gotta buckle down and get serious about school and make sure we obey my parents’ every little rule. I’ll even go to the main campus at Tech next semester. Well, no I won’t. But it’s a nice gesture to think about. My mom tried to tell me last night in the middle of yelling at me that she’s making me go to the main campus or the Simpsonville campus for school next semester to get me away from John. But that’s not fair. It’s college. It’s my choice. When she can earn my nursing degree for me, and when she starts paying for tuition, then she can tell me where to go. But as long as I have my scholarship, I’m going where I want to go.

Dude. This part of South Carolina stinks. And my orange juice is getting hot. Oh well. And only 5 more exits until we get to Georgia. I’m sure I can keep typing until then. I keep seeing signs for Shoney’s. I love Shoney’s. I’d like to stop at one on the way home. Maybe. My dad’s in the back seat snoring, but I might have to wake him up so I can get the power adapter for my computer. There are a lot of palm trees down here. It’s nice. I can’t wait to see what Miami looks like. I bet it’s beautiful. I just wish John could see it with me. The whole time I’m on this cruise, all I’ll be able to think about is how it would be if John were with me.

Welcome to Georgia.

Well, I guess I’m going to go. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I can talk about for the next hundred miles or so that we’ll be in Georgia. But if I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to post again. And I might even get to post tomorrow. Who knows.

Happy travels, y’all.

Code fifteen or something.

I'm not sure why, but I felt this overwhelming urge to write a blog. So here I am, posting this. I just took a shower, and even though I feel a whole lot better, I also feel very sleepy all of a sudden. I'm not hungry or thirsty; I'm just sleepy. It's like I can't lift my arms or something. Weird.

Well, my second day of bookkeeping at work went rather well. I only had a couple mishaps, and they were nothing major. I balanced three tills, did three audits, and got one pick-up. I even rang up a few money orders. Bookkeeping is basically just a ton of information. There are a lot of codes to memorize, and a lot of procedures to remember, but once you get the hang of it, it's really not that bad. And apparently, bookkeepers are right under the managers as far as authority goes. So we get to tell the cashiers and baggers what to do. Not that any of the bookkeepers really do that. The only thing that bookkeepers at my Bilo do is tell people when to go on their lunch break, unless a manager says otherwise. Oh and cigarettes - those are a lot to remember. There are so many names and different kinds - it's going to take a few days to figure out where they are. My training is going so well though. Heather told Jim that I'm catching on "pretty quickly" with everything. The only real problem I had was today when my key broke when I tried to open the Service Center door. But even that didn't take long to fix.

I don't want to go on vacation. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. That cruise I'm going on in August is just getting in the way of everything. Why pack up a whole bunch of luggage and drive all the way to Miami just for a week of vacation? Just to come home, unpack everything, and go back to the everyday routine? Seriously. It's just stupid. I'm ready for school to start. I want to get my nursing degree so badly, it's killing me. I want to be a nurse so I can help little kids and make decent money and support myself. Anyway, I just feel like skipping the vacation and going straight to school. Oh, and if I weren't going on the cruise, I'd be able to go to the Green Day concert in Atlanta on August 1st. Yes, I'm still very upset about that.

I seriously feel like taking a nap.

Maybe my mom and I can watch Urban Cowboy tonight. That's like her favorite movie so when I found it at Wal-Mart the other day, I just had to get it for her. Maybe we'll watch it tonight, if she wants to.

Kellie and her mom came to see me at work today. They even stayed with me on my break and went shopping afterwards. It was good to see her. I've missed her lately. We just haven't been able to hang out as much as we wanted to this summer. But hopefully we'll get to hang out a little more before school starts.

I wonder what I'm doing this weekend. For the first time in a long time, the plans seem wide open. Last weekend, I figured I'd be hanging out with my mom since John had his wisdom teeth taken out. But I have no clue what's in store for this weekend. I'd like to go to the lake, since I have Saturday off, but who knows. John probably won't feel like going. His mouth doesn't seem to be getting any better. And I don't want him to lie to me and tell me that he feels like going when he doesn't simply because we'd planned to go. Plans can change.

I haven't seen Kenneth at work in a while. I miss him. And Taylor. I miss her too. And Jennifer - the new...ish girl. And Audrey. It seems like I haven't seen them in forever. But then again I've only worked three days this week. They must be just working different shifts these days. I'll be glad when my training is over so I can start working nights with all the cool people. And honestly, I hope that my schedule and the managers' schedules work out so that I work with Nick as little as possible. He's my least favorite manager. He tries to be cool, but he isn't. Even Shane is more tolerable than Nick is. So I just hope that I don't have to work with him very much. Jim is definitely my favorite manager. He was hanging out in the cash office joking around with me and Heather this morning, saying something about how she's the Groucho Marx of the 21st century because she says "seriously" all the time - seriously. But he's just so cool. And nice.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do right now though because my mom's gone, and my dad's busy working on something in his building...I think. I might post again later though, depending on my mood. Or what time it is. Who knows.

Oh, and there's a line from a Green Day song that I just love. It's from "Restless Heart Syndrome", off their new album. It says, "I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied." I just love that line.

Ok, I'm going now.

Watching the sun set.

My cats are so cute. I'm sitting outside, just watching them play. It's funny how I used to be a dog person. I still love dogs, and I prefer them to cats, but cats are cool.

...yeah, I'm bored. My dad keeps saying that he's going to watch Dexter with me, but he hasn't yet. And I asked him if he was going to watch it tonight but he's already asleep. And I haven't heard from John. Guess I'm not going back over there tonight. I'll be glad when he's recovered from his wisdom teeth surgery. I haven't exactly been able to take care of him or anything. He won't tell me the truth when he's in pain, so I can't help him. And I didn't help him with the syringe today because if he won't even tell me he's in pain, why would he let me help him rinse out his mouth? Oh well. It's his body. I'll just be glad when he's better. He didn't even react when I said I was leaving today. That was unusual. But whatever.

I had a lot of fun with my mom and her friends tonight. I finally got to go on a "girls' night out", only it was more of a bridal shower than anything. And I tried some wine that was really nasty, and I tried sangria. It was really good. I actually had a full glass of it. Anyway, the girls were so funny. We laughed the whole time. And I finally felt like I was a part of something. It was just cool for me to finally be included with them.

I think I might wash my car tomorrow. It's getting kinda dirty. And I'd like to go get my nails done. But I'm definitely sleeping in tomorrow. I just wanna take it easy since I'm working 9 to 4 Wednesday and Thursday. I'm actually excited about work though, because I officially become a bookkeeper! I can't wait. I'll get to do so much more now. I'll actually have some authority too. And a lot more freedom.

The sunset was really pretty tonight. I've been sitting out here watching it for the last hour. It's beautiful. This is one of those nights where I really love where I live. It almost makes me feel like a kid again. Or like one of those nights a few years ago when I would go sit on the porch with Nan & Pop right after they moved into their new house. It's just so peaceful.

Anyway, I think I got my mom to agree to playing cards with me tonight, so I'm going to go inside for a few rounds of Rummy. Then I'll probably get back online or watch tv or watch a movie or something. I might even post another blog. Who knows at this point.

Just a possibility.

Maybe I'm not the person I used to be.

Maybe I really have changed. Maybe I have a reason, maybe I don't.

Maybe I feel like everything else has changed too.

Maybe I don't know why.

Something's missing from my world.

What if it's because I lost a girl who thought of me as her best friend? What if it's because she and her sister were taken from me in a car wreck? Maybe because I had to deal with losing someone I care about for the first time since I was seven? Oh, and don't forget about the part where the girl who said she was my best friend and that I was "the best sister she could ever ask for" pushed me out of her life to be with her psycho, bipolar, disrespectful, antisocial pain-in-the-ass boyfriend. John keeps saying I need to talk to her, do something about it. But how do you talk to the person who hurt you the most? She said she would never let anybody - especially a guy - come between us. But she did. Even when I made an effort to stay in her life, she showed no interest. It's not my fault, and I can't keep being the bigger person. She made a choice, and she chose him. I don't even know where she's going to college.

Y'know, I'm really not sure what to say at this point. A friend of mine - well, she's becoming my friend, I guess - is asking for some guy advice, and I can't exactly concentrate on helping her and getting all this stuff off my chest at the same time. Maybe another night.

But before I go, let me just say that I do love my boyfriend very much, and I don't take him for granted at all and he is the best part of my life. He thinks I'm not happy with him but that's completely wrong. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be half as happy as I am now. I probably would've fallen apart after Priscilla and Lydia's death had he not been there to get me through it. Especially since Anna has abandoned me. She never even called to see if I was ok - if I was handling it alright. I guess she had Stephen to comfort her so it didn't matter if I was ok. But John was there through everything. And he's here now. And sure, we have our little moments, but everyone does. And I think our stupid little disagreements (if you can even call them that) make us stronger. And hearing Kaylee talk about her guy problems just makes me feel even luckier to have such a wonderful boyfriend and such a strong relationship.

Maybe it's not so bad that things are different. I mean, sure, it'd be nice to go back to the way things were at Christmas or during the spring, but I think John and I have a lot to look forward to in the future. And I promise to stay optimistic about it. I'll do my best to stay positive and enjoy life. I have no reason not to.

Goodnight.