Anger management.

Man, you just had to be there....this is the brief conversation I had with my mom via Microsoft Word. She wanted to type on my laptop, so we ended up typing a little note back & forth. Here goes:

Mom: We do not like Katie……..she is a redneck bitch and she can go jump in the middle of lake jocassee without a damn lifejacket. She has pissed me off for the last time…….f…….in whore

Me: Kayla gets on my f….in nerves. She’s always texting me and she’s so f……in clingy and I don’t like it!!!

Mom: She needs to get a life and find a friend that likes clingy bitches

Me: Gah, Mom. You’re pretty mad there. Maybe you should go get a punching bag.

Mom: Maybe I just need some damn food…..i ate lunch at like 12:00

Me: Ooooooook then. Let’s just go get some damn food, since you ate lunch at like 12:00.

Mom: Like maybe we could go to the castle & look at dresses and then go see about getting you
a new cell phone

Me: OMG MOM THAT WOULD BE SO F……….IN AWESOME. Wait, I think there are too many dots there. The ‘f’ bomb doesn’t have that many letters.

.....like I said. You just had to be there.

Learning is fun.

Man, I'm bummed. Kellie can't go to Spartanburg with me tomorrow. Katie changed her mind and decided not to cover the morning shift. I never liked Katie, to be honest. Oh well. I think Mom's going to go with me though. Maybe.

I wish I could hang out with John tomorrow. Apparently, we won't get to hang out anymore this weekend, since I probably won't see him on break tomorrow. Not if I go to Spartanburg. And he'll be with his aunt tomorrow night. And he has to work Sunday morning. I have to work Sunday afternoon. The only time we'll be able to see each other will be on our breaks. Bummer. This is going to be the shortest and longest weekend of my life, all rolled into one.

You know, I realized something today. In order to get what you want, you have to really put yourself out there. Not necessarily go the extra mile. I mean, you have to make yourself extremely vulnerable. Sure, it's scary. It's actually a really sucky feeling. But more often than not, the reward is more than worth it - whether it's getting paid for a job well done, or just simply hearing somebody say something good about what you've done for them. Now, that is a great feeling.

Anyway, John just got home from Naia's. And I take back what I said earlier. He wants me to go with him to see his aunt & uncle tomorrow. So I'm going to go talk to him for a little bit, then I am definitely going to bed.

Suburbia is hot tonight.

La la laaaa. I feel like singing. Well, ok. I did two seconds ago. John's here. At my house. With me. We're going to make macaroni for lunch. Then who knows. I want to get out of here. I mean, I want a fucking vacation. Daytona just can't get here fast enough. And my parents better let me go, too. I want that vacation. It might be the only fun I have this summer.

I want a new car. One day, I'm going to get a new car. I want a Lexus. They're nice. See? Yeah. That's what I want. I wanna' be a rock star.

I'm going to Spartanburg with Kellie tomorrow. We're going to shop for prom dresses. It's going to be fun. My mom might come too. But Kellie has to work at 4, so we won't be gone ALL day.

I'm assuming that I'm hanging out with John tomorrow night. Maybe. If his aunt isn't in town.

And I start work Sunday. I have to call Jim and find out what time he wants me to come in.

I really like that soap Mom bought. I think it's Irish Spring, but I'm not sure. It smells good though. I got my hair cut this morning. I only got about an inch taken off. And Cindy said it would only cost $35 to get my hair colored. I might look into that. It just depends on how much I can save up for prom. And Daytona. Did I mention I want a vacation?

Ok, I guess I'm going to go make lunch now. My stomach's growling and it's making me a little nauseated. I'll post again later.

Fire drills annoy me.

I don't feel like posting. Really. But John said I should.

So, today was....pretty ok. Well, no. It was just the same as any other B-day. It was nice and boring. I had a test in Econ today. I think I did ok on it. Anatomy was boring again today. Zeb was pretty funny though. He kept flipping Murphy off when she wasn't looking. Then he got bored and wanted to make Mrs. Burroughs mad, so he turned around and started talking to me. He was like, "So April, are you dating Paul yet?" I told him, "No, dude. I have a boyfriend." He made the most hilarious face. He was like, "WHAT?! Are you SERIOUS? OHH MY GOD, April Sprouse has a boyfriend.....since when?" It was so funny. I told him since September, and then he wanted to know "who's the lucky guy?" So when I told him it was John, he was like, "You're dating Keasler? Wow. Didn't see that coming." I didn't think he knew John, but he said he "knows of him". And after I explained how we met n' stuff, he was just like, "Wow man. April has a boyfriend. That just totally made my day. That was the highlight of my anatomy class right there."

Anyway, we watched some video on the lymphatic system, and it showed some weird guy in a bathtub and it showed his feet and the insides of his ears. Kinda gross, but whatever. And then math was boring because we had a test. AND we had a fire drill, right in the middle of class. Right when I finally remembered how to solve for k.

The best part of my day (before I went to Naia's) was going to Bi-Lo. I got the job! I go back Sunday to finish my orientation, and then I get to start my first shift as a cashier. I'm pretty excited. Everybody seems really nice at that store. Plus, I get to wear GREEN! I mean, blue's my favorite color, but I like the green at Bi-Lo. It's nice. Anyway, the manager, Jim, seems to be really impressed with me - especially when he realized I was only 16 and a senior in high school. But hey, I'm glad he likes me. OH! And, that Bi-Lo has WiFi. So, on my breaks, I'll be able to use my laptop! I think it'll be really neat to work there. Plus, my parents finally seem happy with me now that I got the job. And I got it all by myself, without their help. I acted like an adult. They should be proud.

Anyway, the best part of my day was really getting to see John. He looked really good in that sweater tonight. That shade of red just really compliments him. We went to Applebee's for dinner, then we stopped by the park behind Rock Springs Baptist Church - where he ran like crazy over to the swings, swung really high, then took off and ran in a huge circle around the baseball field. It was quite entertaining. But then we went back to Naia's for a little while, and then I had to come home.

We're supposed to be hanging out tomorrow. I get out of school early, but I'm going to get a haircut at 10:30. After that, John gets to come over and hang out until he has to get ready for work. You know, I just thought of something - if he wanted to, he could just bring his work clothes with him and get ready at my house, so neither one of us would have to make an extra trip back to his house. But whatever. That's his business. I just want to spend time with him.

After he goes to work, I'm going over to Joe's house to help him with that science project. It's something to do with the circulatory system, which is what I'm studying in anatomy, so it shouldn't be too hard. And hopefully my mom will let me meet John on break.

Anyway, I guess that's about it for tonight. I need to go straighten my hair and get ready for bed. I don't want to stay up much later. Otherwise I'll have to take a nap tomorrow, which would just totally take up too much time.

I'll be posting again tomorrow, I'm sure.

Goodnight.

Never leave.

Today felt like nothing but a waste of time. I didn't get anything accomplished, really. I'm still working for that PowerPoint for Teacher Cadets. It won't take long to finish, I'm just distracted. Plus, I just don't feel like doing it haha.

John came over today. Well, I picked him up from school and brought him to my house. It was nice. We had our usual macaroni lunch, and watched a little tv. Then, we were going to work on our homework, but we ended up in my room taking a nap. I think we slept for about an hour. It was really nice, but as soon as we woke up, we were sort of in a rush to get back to his house. I wish he didn't have to go.

It just feels like I didn't spent enough time with him today. Weird. I think I'm just feeling a little stressed from school and lack of sleep. Did I mention I hate B-days? I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I just hate it. But hopefully my mom will let me hang out with John tomorrow night. It's the least she can do. I just miss him so much on B-days. It's like the day never ends. Plus, he usually has to work, so we can't hang out. He doesn't have to work tomorrow though.

I'm glad we got to go to Waffle House tonight. The interview was fun. And then there was that whole sex conversation. Hmm.

You know, he and I have been dating for almost five months? Five months, man. I mean, we went to the fair like, the first weekend of September. It was around the 7th, I think. And we've been together ever since. It's a little hard to believe. But it's awesome, nonetheless. I like where we are in our relationship. It's very comfortable. And I'm glad we've talked about the sex thing. I mean, maybe we will go that far eventually. I think about it. But really, the idea just scares me.

I need to go finish that PowerPoint. I ought to just skip Teacher Cadets tomorrow. Mrs. Hiott isn't going to be there, which kinda' makes me glad. Kayla just said we won't have to present our Lifeline projects. Woo hoo. It's just going to be a long day. But it's Thursday, so that means it's one day closer to Friday. Oh, John has to close Friday. Crap. I guess I'll go to Joe's house and help him with his science project then, from about 4:00 til...6-ish. That way I can still meet John on break.

Speaking of John, his Internet crashed again tonight. That's like the third night this week. His dad better not be the reason behind it, either.

My mom just came in here and straightened her hair. That was pretty funny. And she said she might let me skip first period tomorrow. Gah, that would be amazing.

Oh, note to self - I'm getting my hair cut Friday at 10:30.

Anyway, I need to get ready for bed...in case my mom decides to be difficult and make me go to first period. I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow though.

I miss John already.

Goodnight.

Crash.

I have a massive headache all of a sudden. Self-induced probably. Although, I was feeling a little dizzy at the end of fourth period today. Everything just hurts right now. I have a knot in my leg, below my knee. Don't know what it is. And some sort of pulled muscle in my back. Is it Friday yet?

I swear I didn't hear a word Mr. Bailey said in English tonight. Yet, ironically, he kept calling on me. That class just sucks now. I don't like anybody in there, since Chelsea and Zeb switched to the afternoon class. I wish I could've switched, but my math class would interfere. Plus, I figure one night a week is better than every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon.

Whatever this feeling is, I wish it would go away.

You know, on my way home from English tonight - or rather, on my way from English to Bi-Lo - everything was just so black. The fog just covered everything. But it wasn't like that normal, silvery fog. It was really dark. On Powdersville Road and at Pumper's, it was so dark that it looked like the power was out. It was quite creepy, actually. It's like the blackness was some sort of sign. God, I hope not.

I'm trying really hard not to think about the summer. John might be going to a camp at Clemson. It's some kind of counselor job. But it would last all summer. He would have to live in Clemson for 8 weeks. He'd be gone all summer. He said he would still get the weekends off, so he could still see me. But I just don't see it working out very well for us. I'm not going to talk about it though. I know nothing's definite yet. I'm just being selfish. Very selfish. I have my own reasons why I don't want him to do it. But I'll just keep that to myself because know he'll read this, and I don't want him to feel obligated to give up a job opportunity just because of me. I won't make him choose.

Anyway, I feel a little overwhelmed right now, so I'm just going to call it a night. I might even go to bed before 11. Who knows.

Goodnight.

Days like today.

Wow, I went a whole two days without posting anything. My apologies to everyone who doesn't read this thing.

So today was just great. Absolutely wonderful. I wish every day could be like today. Wait, haven't I said that before? Well, yeah. Still, days like today are just great. John came over, we ate macaroni & watched Pokemon, went to JC Penney's to run an errand for my mom, and then came back home and spent the rest of the afternoon being completely lazy. We ended up in my room, just laying there on the bed. I actually fell asleep for about 10 minutes or so. Not sure about him though.

Anyway, it was wonderful. I just enjoy doing that with him so much. And no, not because I think it'll lead to something else. I know it won't. And not because I'm some kind of hormonal teenager, either. I have more maturity and self-control than that, believe me. I just enjoy it because when I'm with him like that, it's really the only time I feel truly relaxed. It's the only time I feel like everything's really ok - like I don't have to worry about school or getting a job or...anything. It's just calm. And yeah, I know I talk about that 'comfortable' feeling - the one that seems to happen every time Naia's around - but it's not really the same thing. I mean, when it's just me and him like that, it is still comforting. But it's...it's just different.

I'm sort of dreading tomorrow. Nothing's really going on, I just hate B-days. I have school until 3:15, and then I have to go right back for English at 5:40. But I'll have to leave my house by 5, just to beat the traffic and get to class a few minutes early. And John has to close tomorrow, so I won't get to see him at all, which sucks. Unless I talk to him on the webcam, but his dad's all uptight about that now so I don't know if I'll get to. But there's always Wednesday.

I'm supposed to be going with John to see some guy about getting a tattoo. I just don't know if we'll be doing that Wednesday or not. I have to go back to Bi-Lo to do some paperwork with the manager. Hopefully I really am getting the job. I mean, I hate that I'll be losing my free time, my time to spend with John, but hey - I need the money. I'll still be able to see him though. We'll still have our weekends. So it won't be the end of the world. I just know I'll probably be dead tired every night.

You know, I'm starting to wish I'd changed my school schedule at the beginning of the year. I'm starting to wish I hadn't taken Teacher Cadets, especially. I'm really starting to hate that class. And it's not that I don't like the teacher or the people in there. I just know I'm not going to be a teacher. I feel like I belong in the medical field, not in the classroom. And Mrs. Hiott just keeps piling stuff on top of us. She's making it harder and harder for me to stay enthused about the class. And the only thing I'm actually looking forward to is my brochure project for Anderson University. And that's only because I like to get creative with that kind of stuff, and I get to interview my own boyfriend. But even with that, it's just hard to stay excited about the class anymore. And the worst part is, I know I'm not going to teach, so I know there's no point in me taking the class. But I can't drop it now. If I'd had any idea how it would be at the beginning of the year, I would've dropped it. That would've given me a whole extra hour and a half out of school every other day. But I did the 'smart' thing and stuck it out so I could get college credit. And honestly, I regret it now.

I just hate B-days, because they completely drain the energy out of me. It's like a freaking boot camp or something. But then again, that's what makes days like today so great.

Man, John's Internet just crashed. I hate it when that happens. He's probably right though - I bet his dad has something to do with it, since it stops working every night around the same time. We didn't even get to talk on the webcam, man. That's the best part! Haha, really - I like talking to him on the webcam better than just typing back and forth. It's more fun when I actually get to see him.

My good friend Kellie just informed me that she's off Saturday, so we can go shopping for prom dresses. She's going with me to The Castle Prom and Bridal in Spartanburg. That'll be fun. We'll get to have a girls' day out - shop for dresses, eat lunch, goof off - just whatever. And that'll make it easier on my mom. Since Kellie's going, Mom can just stay home and clean or go to the grocery store or do whatever she wants to do. And then, Saturday night, I'm sure John and I will be doing something together...whether it's going to the movies, the mall, Waffle House...something.

And Pam said she wants to take me and John to the movies at some point this week, if not over the weekend. So that's one more thing I have to look forward to. And on the plus side, I only have two B-days to endure this week. Man, this week will be over in no time. Not that I'm complaining though.

Anyway, I have nothing else to do, so I'm going to go straighten my hair and go to bed.

Goodnight.

You're like a birthday.

I do not feel like posting. Yet I'm writing this anyway. God, I'm so tired. I feel like I'm in a daze. My parents are still awake. I can hear them talking, and for some reason, it's extremely irritating. I haven't gotten enough sleep at all this week. I feel like I'm losing function or something.

My mom and I are going shopping for a prom dress tomorrow. Maybe I'll find one I really like. Maybe I can get one. But I doubt it.

'Putting Holes in Happiness' is just great. Yeah, I'm in the middle of a Marilyn Manson phase. So what? But the song goes perfectly with this mood I'm in. If it's really a mood. It's just like some paranormal state of mind. I feel like I'm in a dream.

It feels like there's no point in anything I've done today. Nobody got anything accomplished, did they? No. I felt productive at school. I worked a lot on my brochure project. But then I almost fell asleep during my anatomy test - my 112-question anatomy test - because I was up until almost 3 this morning.

John and I are going to the boat show tomorrow night. Should be fun. Let's just hope nobody falls off a bridge this time.

I'm glad he's off tomorrow. But I'm going shopping with my mom for the first part of the day, so we won't get to spend the whole day together. Kind of a bummer. But we'll make up for it later in the day, I'm sure.

I feel a tremendous lack of motivation right now. I feel sedated or something. I should've just come home and taken a nap right after school instead of going to Bi-Lo. But I wanted some more M&Ms. Well, that's how I justify it. I think we all know I went because John was still working.

I need to just stop writing now. My thoughts aren't really forming anymore. I'll just wait and post again once I'm rested...Then again, I don't know when that'll be.

Goodnight.

You will taste like Valentine's.

I was going to post again. But I ran out of words. I felt a wave of sadness. And I don't know what it was. My eyelids are heavier now. What would the world be like if there were no words? If there were only sounds? We wouldn't feel anything. We would all be numb. But now it feels like it's so quiet. Like everything has to be muted. I can't say a word. But it doesn't matter anyway. I'm just losing my patience with it all.

I know they say time heals. But you know what else it does? It tears you apart. It hurts before it gets better. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it. But what happens when it's not you? When you're not the victim? When you're just the innocent bystander being held as a witness? You can't protect anyone, that's for sure. You have to watch it all unfold. You just have to watch. And wait. You can't make anything happen. Being the bystander makes you powerless.

I saw the sun set tonight. I watched the world crawl back into its shell. I watched all the people scatter back to their homes. I was right there with them. Powerless, but lost in the strange, hypnotic beauty of a glowing red horizon, black velvet sky, and a river of blood red taillights.

There is something so disturbingly attractive about Marilyn Manson in the "Putting Holes in Happiness" video. And I want another shirt.

The high you can't sustain.

Why can't anything ever go right?

Today was great. I got out of school at 9:50, and after I came home and did some laundry, I took a short nap. When I woke up, it was almost time for John to get out of school. He called me when he got out, and I fixed our lunch. We had macaroni, just like always, and it was ready by the time he got to my house. After we ate, we spent some time on his laptop looking at real estate. He wants to get his own place, and we were just getting some ideas. We stayed at home til about 2:30, and then it was time for me to go to Bi-Lo for my hiring test. That went extremely well. I got 100 percent on all the tests, except for the produce ID test on vegetables - I only missed one on that test. Anyway, Jim (the manager) said to call him Monday, and that he'd like for me to come in Wednesday to fill out some paperwork and stuff. I think I'm actually getting the job.

Well, after I left Bi-Lo, I ended up stopping by the other Bi-Lo (in Powdersville, where John works) on the way home. I was craving some M&Ms, and he was a cashier tonight, so I had two good, legit excuses to stop by. I just love watching him when he's a cashier. He looks so focused, and then whenever he sees me standing in line, he smiles and it's just so attractive. And plus I'm the only customer he can really flirt with haha. Anyway, I told him to call me when he got off because I was going to ask my mom if we could hang out for a little bit tonight.

Well, when I got home, I tried to convince my parents that we should go out to eat and have family time, thinking that would make them happy and make them reconsider letting me hang out with John. Nope. Didn't happen that way. My dad wasn't even hungry because he ate lunch late today, so my mom and I ended up going to Golden Corral. And as we were leaving, John called and said he was already off work. Well, I asked my mom if I could go over to Naia's after dinner. She said no. I asked her why, even though I knew she would throw out the usual excuse - that it's a school night and I have "all-day" school tomorrow. Yeah, she gave me that one. But I didn't just let it go. I'm tired of hearing that excuse. So I told her that I don't have any homework (which is the truth), and I even told her that I would be home by 9, since I knew it wouldn't take that long to eat. She still said no. She said that if I hung out with John tonight, she wouldn't let me hang out with him at all tomorrow night...even though it's Friday night and he gets off work at 5.

How unfair is that? And it's like no matter how I tried to negotiate with her, the worse it got. Even after dinner, since we had to get my dad something to eat before we went home, I suggested that she let me go to Naia's for about 30 minutes, and then John could take me home. She even said no to that! And if I'd done that, I would've been home by 9. She had no reason to say no.

She told me tonight that I need to stay home, that I've never at home anymore. Well, after saying that, we came home and she went in her room and called my grandma - not paying me one bit of attention. And then she wonders why I'm not happy here. Hello? She's being a hypocrite. And it's killing me. I really wanted to see John again tonight. I mean, sure, we can talk on the web cam, but it's just not the same as being with him in person. And my mom's all concerned with me being home more often, yet she won't shut up about me getting a job. But now that I'm getting one, she doesn't like it. She won't let me go out and have a little bit of fun before I start working. And you know, it makes me wonder - if it were anybody else that I was wanting to spend time with, would she still act this way?

It's just so irritating. And another thing - gah, I'm just so in the mood to vent right now - another thing: she's been on my back about my grades all year long, but when I finally have a 100 in my math class - which has NEVER happened in all the time I've been in high school - she tells me 'good job' and 'keep it up', but she doesn't give me anything for it. I've been working really hard to bring my math grade up. Now it's the best it can get. The least she could do is let me spend a little time with my boyfriend...yeah, you know, the one person who actually gets me and who doesn't put me in a bad mood every time I talk to him (he has quite the opposite effect in that department, actually). I just wish she would loosen up, because it seems like every day now, I can be having the best day ever and then one conversation with her just screws it all up. She's my mom. It's not supposed to be like that.

I'll be glad when I'm done with high school. Screw the whole 'sentimental' graduation crap. I'm just ready to be done with it. At least in college, your schedule's more flexible...AND not to mention the fact that colleges don't have an "A/B" schedule like Easley does. I mean, there are certain days for certain classes, but it's not all screwed up like my high school. I just can't wait to get there. I can't wait to be more independent. I'm tired of my parents breathing down my neck about everything. At least when I get to college, I'll actually want to be there.

And I'm ready to be older. I'm tired of being 16 already. It feels like I'm the same age as everybody else, but then something comes along that makes me remember I'm not. I wish I was already 18 so John and I could just do our own thing. But I still have to wait another year and 9 months or so, which sucks. It's like my age has always been like some sort of handicap. I just hate it.

You know, sometimes I wish I could just get in the car and leave. I wanted to do that last summer. All summer long, in fact. Every time I got in the car, I had the urge to run away. But that was because life just sucked then. Now, it's not that. My life is pretty much perfect now. It's just whenever my mom acts like that, it makes me want to rebel. I just want to scream at her because she's not making any sense. But I love her anyway. She just drives me insane sometimes. But tonight, I wish I was going somewhere - even if it was just for the weekend. I wish I was going to Florida. Maybe to see my cousins. I'd be taking John with me though. If I really was to skip town for a few days, there's no way I'd be making the trip without him.

Wouldn't that be nice? To just escape for a little while? To feel like there's absolutely nothing in the world you have to worry about? Man, I wish.

I can just picture it now - me sitting in the sand down at Seaside Beach in Florida, where my cousin Kevin lives. I'd be watching John play with Kevin and little Kayden along the edge of the water. Shelley and I would be sitting there with baby Kiyah, talking and watching the boys play. And my cousin Shelby would be there with us. We'd all be having so much fun, just enjoying the beach and the warmth of the sun. And I think John would fit in pretty well with everyone down there. At least, in my head he does.

Oh, wow. Tomorrow's Friday. It's about time, ya know? I only went to school four days this week, but it feels like I've been for a month straight. I hate B-days. I'm starting to hate my whole schedule this year. On A-days, it feels like I haven't been to school at all. But on B-days, it feels like I've been there for 12 hours or so. It's like the boredom prison, I swear. So I'm just glad the week's almost over. And tomorrow night, I plan on having fun with John. I have no clue what we're going to do, but I know we'll make the best of it. Especially since we didn't get to see each other again tonight.

Anyway, he just signed onto AIM, so I'm going to talk to him for a bit.

Goodnight.

No shadows, no reflections here.

Man, I want a Green Day t-shirt! Actually, I have one. But I got it last summer and now it's too big and I just don't like it anymore. I want a new one - preferably something black or gray. And I want another Marilyn Manson shirt, too. Of course, the one I have now is actually my favorite shirt out of all the ones I have. But one's just not enough, man!

You know, I've actually been thinking about getting a tattoo. I mean, not right now. I wouldn't be able to get one now because my parents would probably disapprove. But maybe in a year or so. And the only reason I started thinking about it was because I started drawing all over my notes in math class the other day (and today), and I've been drawing these stars. I drew one, and I put 'MM' in the middle of it (yes, for Marilyn Manson) and made it into some weird little design. I thought it looked kinda' cool. And the more I thought about it, the more I thought, "Hey - this would make a cool tattoo." (...and no, not because I drew two M's in the middle. I just happen to be going through a Manson phase). Anyway, I've been thinking about maybe getting a star of some sort. Maybe a smaller version of the stars Billie Joe Armstrong has on his arm (the "lucky stars"). Hearts are an option, too. I thought about the heart grenade from American Idiot. Or the 'swirl heart', like the one that's on my Manson shirt. I don't know for sure though. Actually, I don't even know if I'll even get one...yet.

I think I've finally figured out what I'm going to do with my life after high school. I'm going to go to tech, get my nursing degree, go to Clemson or USC Upstate to get my BSN (for nursing), and then go on to get my master's degree in nursing so I can be a nurse practitioner. I've done my research, and I think it would be well worth it in the end.

I got to meet John on break tonight. I took him some homemade spaghetti that my mom had made. I think he really liked it. And it was really funny because we were just sitting there and out of nowhere, he was like, "We're never gonna' be able to have sex." Wow. That was really an 'ice cream to global warming' moment, if there ever was one.

I need to stop thinking about my future - what's involved in it. I don't know how everything's going to end up, and I don't want to be disappointed if things don't turn out the way I'm imagining them right now. But man, the more I think about little Charlie, and the apartment...

Do you ever feel like you're on a roller coaster? And I don't mean riding one. Like you're just getting on one? Like you can feel yourself buckling up, strapping yourself in, and you're just sitting there, waiting for the ride to begin? And before it starts, you get that anticipation - that tingling in the pit of your stomach. You know the ride's going to be fun - the first drop's always a doozy. And you can already picture yourself screaming with excitement. But say it's one you've never ridden before, and you don't know how it ends - how that last turn is just before you go back to the loading station. You don't want it to be a let-down, but you're going to stay on anyway, just to find out.

...that's what I'm feeling. Right now. And you know? Now that I think about it, a roller coaster sounds like fun right about now, even though it's like 20 degrees outside.

I think I'm going to stop here for tonight. I think I'm going to enjoy all the thoughts that are going through my head this very second - whether they should be there or not.

Goodnight.

Epiphany.

Today turned out to be a relatively good day. My interview with Jim at Bilo seemed very promising. I go back Thursday for a pre-hiring test. Hopefully it all goes well and I'll get the job.

After my interview, I actually got to waste some time by myself - yeah, rare, I know. I went to Earshot for a little bit, and after I got bored with that, I drove over to my mom's office to say hey to her and her co-workers. They all seemed pretty happy to see me haha. I got to stick around for about 30 minutes, and then I went over to the Life Center to meet up with John. We went to lunch at Wendy's, and then we went back to the Life Center to take lunch to his cousin Christy. After that, we drove downtown. We stopped in the Apple store (iPlace) for a few minutes, then we decided to talk a little walk around the park. Gee, that was cold. Then we wound up in the Michelin store talking about how cool it would be to live in our own place. My mom kinda' killed the mood though, when she called and told me to go to my grandma's house and feed the dog for her since Grandma was sick. I mean, don't get me wrong - I love my grandma to death and I didn't mind helping her out one bit. It was just the timing, I guess. So that put sort of a damper on my mood for a little bit. And, by the time I got home, I was really sleepy all of a sudden.

My mood definitely got better when my mom said I could go out with John tonight. But it still irritated me that she had that tone in her voice - you know, that motherly tone that's so condescending you just wanna' scream? Yeah, that tone. Anyway, John came and picked me up, and we went over to Pam's house. I hope he didn't think I was in a bad mood or anything when he picked me up. I mean, I was really glad to be spending time with him, but I really was still sleepy. But since the drive up to Pam's house is a good 20 minutes or so, I tried to take a brief little nap on the way. I don't think I actually fell asleep though. I mean, I remember turning and going through certain intersections, but I felt like I was dreaming. And after we turned onto Old White Horse Road, I remember feeling John's hand on mine, but after a few minutes, it's like his touch disappeared even though I know it was still there. And I know that after a few minutes, I couldn't hear "Cathedrals" playing in the background anymore. So maybe I really was asleep...

Anyway, Pam is awesome. Really awesome. I feel like I've known her forever or something, and we just met tonight. She's just so...out there. I mean, she's been through a lot - especially with Troy - but she's so laid-back about it. She makes it all seem like it's no big deal. I wish I could be like that. And she's so nice, too. I wish I could have an aunt like her. She's just so cool. And I felt really at home around her.

You know, now that I think about it, I feel at home around pretty much all of John's family. Well, there is an exception. But still, it's like I'm so comfortable around everybody. Especially Pam, even though she's not technically his 'family'. But I still don't know if it's John, or everybody else. I can't tell if it's because he's with me, or because I just seem to get along with everyone I meet.

Regardless, I think I've found some sort of new comfort zone. It's actually a little scary. I've never been able to be so relaxed around somebody before - even my own family sometimes. But I feel like I've finally found somebody who it's okay to be myself around. And by the end of last year (meaning school), I'd made it a habit of keeping everything to myself. I stopped opening up to people, simply because it had begun to feel like nobody cared anymore. But now, I feel so comfortable opening up to people. It's like I have a reason to let the world in.

Man, it's like I'm just one big epiphany tonight. I think it's the M&Ms. Wait, I had the 'comfort zone' epiphany before the M&Ms. Haha, oh well. Who cares, right? Nevertheless, I'm finally starting to figure out my life. I'm starting to make sense of it all. Granted, there are still a few kinks I have to work out, but that's personal stuff. As far as the big picture goes, I think everything's going to be ok.

Anyway, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my M&Ms and talk to John on AIM.

Goodnight.

You just might get it all.

Gah, I just love days like today. And nights like tonight.

John came over today. We ate macaroni for lunch, and then we watched Scrubs all afternoon. Man, it was great. It felt so good to just be lying on the couch with him, watching TV and being lazy. It was exactly what I had in mind for today. Plus, I got all my chores done before I picked him up. Well, everything except vacuuming. But I didn't have much to finish after I took him home, so everything worked out just fine.

We got to hang out tonight, too. My mom agreed that it was fair to let me go out with him since I did all the chores for her. And she even gave me a curfew of 10:00. That's rare, on a school night. But I gave her good reasons. Anyway, John suggested that we ask Naia to go out to eat with us, so I called her and invited her, but she said 'not tonight'. So John and I went ahead and drove over to Applebee's. But a few minutes after we ordered, Naia called and said she wanted to come eat with us. So John drove back to her house to pick her up, so she wouldn't have to drive after dark. I had to sit there by myself and wait for them to come back. But I didn't mind at all. I just sat there and watched all the people. All the noise in the restaurant just faded away after a few minutes, and it was actually kind of peaceful. I think there's something about Applebee's that does that to me. Well, the Applebee's in Easley, anyway. But every time I'm there, I just feel so relaxed. It's nice.

Anyway, it didn't take too long for John to get Naia, and we ended up having a really nice time. The food was great, and the conversation was too. After dinner, we went to Wal-Mart for a while. We actually spent like an hour there. It was fun, though. Especially when John and I went to the condoms section haha. We acted like we were actually going to get something. It was pretty funny. But in all seriousness, I'm glad that's not something we have to worry about right now. Not for a while, anyway. But I'm glad we can joke about it.

The rest of the night was pretty simple, I guess. After we left Wal-Mart, we took Naia home, and then John dropped me off at my house. And...now I'm sitting here posting this.

I just can't describe how great things are right now. I know that school's probably going to get really stressful in the near future (for both me and John), but it's nice knowing that there can still be days like today - days where I can just relax and not worry about anything. Days where I can be comfortable and be myself. Days where I can be lazy and watch Scrubs with John - and be incredibly distracted simply because he's lying on the couch next to me. I just love the feeling of knowing it can be like that.

Man, I want it to snow tonight. I really wish it would. I would prefer not to go to school tomorrow, even though I only have one class haha. It would be so cool if it snowed. But I don't know that I'd get to enjoy it with John. Our parents wouldn't let us be out driving in that kind of weather. Too bad he couldn't just stay the night at my house or something - I mean, if we knew for sure it was going to snow. It's not like we don't have enough room. But that's a thought I'm not going to entertain.

You know, I just thought about something. Every time I go to Applebee's, I hear that song "Home" by Daughtry. I've heard it the last three or four times I've been there. I wonder if that's trying to tell me something. I mean, I'm always there with John, so...

Anyway, I think I'm just going to go listen to music and talk to John on AIM for a little bit. I'm tired, but I'm just so relaxed. I wanna' enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

Goodnight.

It just won't stop.

I don't know what's up with my mood all of a sudden. And before I go any further - no, it's not pms. I'm just blah. For some reason, when my mom said I couldn't go to McDonald's tonight, it didn't make me mad. It made me feel...sad. I guess I'm just tired of asking and hearing her say no. It disappoints me that she's still not used to John always being around.

I've had 'Santa Monica' by Theory of a Deadman on repeat for like, the last 30 minutes. No kidding. It's just an easy song to listen to when you're in this kind of mood. It makes me think of Daytona Beach, since I listened to it so much while I was there over the summer. Every time I hear it, it's like I can still feel the way the wind blew at night when I would sit out on the balcony and watch the ocean - the way its warmth touched my skin, how it was so peaceful. I'd give anything to be there right now.

I just have this lump in my throat. I'm really tired, but I'm not sure why. I haven't done anything today. And not only am I tired, but I feel like I could cry at any given moment. About what, I really don't know. The feeling's just there.

I keep having second thoughts about this week. I have this feeling that absolutely nothing is going to go right. Again, I'm not sure why. I'm just going ignore that feeling though. Don't wanna' freak myself out or anything.

It's freezing cold in the house. Well, maybe it's just my room. It always seems like it's a few degrees colder in here during the winter. But tonight, it's really uncomfortable.

I wish I didn't have to do any chores tomorrow. I wish I could just sleep in and lay around and be lazy all day tomorrow since I don't have school. It would be nice, especially with John here. But oh well. I owe it to my mom. I just know I can't use the excuse that I did chores for her to hang out with John. She won't see it that way. She probably won't let me do anything with him since I have school Tuesday. Nevermind the fact that I get out early.

Anyway, I think I'm going to call it a night. I guess I just need to sleep off this mood so I can get something accomplished tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Lost and found.

It's so funny to look back on things. You make mistakes, and then after a while, you look back on them. You remember the way things felt, and you realize how dumb you were. You remember the best and the worst things you ever did. You remember the good and the bad, and you remember the way things changed. You remember everything, even when you think you've forgotten.

Yeah, over the summer, I started keeping a diary (if that what you want to call it) on the computer. It's sort of like a bunch of blogs I never posted. But I posted a lot of entries, and I came across them all earlier today. Everything I wrote was pretty much about my 'ex-boyfriend'. I wrote about everything – when he first started talking to me, when he asked me out, how he led me on for weeks and ended up having another girlfriend. But you know, we didn’t even really date. He shouldn’t even be considered my 'ex'. But I just got lost in this delusion that we were perfect for each other, so I didn't let him go when I should have. I wasted so much time on him, and it was extremely stupid of me. I just let him get the best of me, and I ended up being somewhat miserable all summer long. I’ll never make that mistake again.

I guess reading all that stuff just made me realize how perfect my life is now. Dating John again was probably the best thing I could’ve ever done. It changed everything. As soon as we started spending time together, way back in September, I started feeling happy again almost immediately. It's like I found the missing piece to a very complicated puzzle. Funny how one person can change your whole life, isn’t it?

Speaking of John, I’m glad I got to meet him on break today. It felt like I hadn’t done that in forever. I just wish we could’ve stayed longer. And I wish we could hang out later, but he’s going to the car show with his dad and I have no idea what my plans are. My mom’s gone to Wal-Mart, and I’m just stuck here by myself. Well, not completely – my dad’s asleep on the couch, but that doesn’t really count for anything.

It's just so quiet today.

I hope tomorrow turns out to be a good day. As far as I know, my parents have to work, but I'm out of school. My mom said she was going to make me do a bunch of chores tomorrow, but if I can get them all done, I'm seriously hoping John can come over. I just want to hang out with him tomorrow, since neither one of us has school. He doesn't have to work, either. And Tuesday will be about the same, I guess. I get out of school early, and so does John. Plus, he doesn't have to work and I don't have to go to my English class. So maybe he can come over for lunch or something. I hope so. I'll just have to bypass my parents.

My mom's so against him coming over while nobody's home, and she keeps threatening me, saying that my dad could stop by any time while he's out driving around for work. It's pretty easy for me to get past that though. I can just go to John's house and pick him up. And he can always hide if my dad comes by (as childish as that sounds). The only downside is, I'd have to take him home and be back at my house by 5, just in case my parents came home from work early. That's not too bad though. We'd still get to spend time together.

Hopefully things won't be so stressful this week. Last week, things were just plain crazy. But maybe this week will be better.

You know, I've been thinking about what John said. He's mentioned a few times how cool it would be if we lived in an apartment together - if we could live somewhere, 'just us'. It really would be awesome. We could watch movies and TV and eat macaroni whenever we wanted. I would love that. And the more I think about it, the more I like the idea of having somebody to fall asleep next to. It would just be so...comfortable. Granted, if John and I lived together, we would probably never fall asleep because we'd be talking and laughing so much. But at least the idea is fun to think about.

Anyway, I think I'm just going to listen to some music or something. I might even take a little nap. But I'll probably be posting again very soon.

Something cold and blank.

Man, tonight was very interesting...to say the least.

John and I went to Ruby Tuesday for dinner. It was great. We spent the majority of the time talking about kids' names and when we were born and how we can't wait to have children of our own. Then, after dinner, we went to the International Auto Show at the Carolina First Center in Greenville. It was a little freaky at first because as we were walking toward the building, we passed a dead cat that was randomly lying in the parking lot. It was...fossilized...

Anyway, the car show was awesome. All the cool cars were there, and we picked out our favorites and took lots of pictures. But as we were leaving, my mom called to tell us not to take the interstate home because somebody had fallen off a bridge at my grandmother's exit, and that there were cops everywhere and traffic was really backed up. How freaky is that? Well, on the way back to the car, John and I were talking about the accident, and we made the connection between it and the fossilized cat: the cat was a bad omen.

So, when we left the car show, we decided to drive down to the scene of the accident. There were still cops everywhere, and traffic was still a little backed up. We pulled over to a nearby gas station and walked up to the bridge. Yeah, the bridge that the person fell from. We couldn't see any traces of the body, though. Obviously, the police had already taken care of everything by the time we got there. It was still freaky though. It was cold and windy, and the sky was colored with reddish-gray clouds so there weren't any stars, and the roar of the interstate just seemed so ominous over everything else.

We walked back to the car after the cops left and everything was all cleared up. But, as we were walking on the sidewalk back to the car, some random guy came up behind us and tried to talk to us. Needless to say, given the circumstances, we did not pay him any attention. We just went back to the car as quickly as possible. And after we left the gas station, we ended up taking Frontage Road to get back to Powdersville. The first half was fine, but when we tried to get on the other side - the other half of Frontage Road - we got all turned around. We ended up passing a really creepy old bridge beside some railroad tracks, and then we ended up at a dead end. So we went back the other way, and ended up having to turn around again. Finally, we figured out that we had to go under the really creepy old bridge to stay on Frontage Road. It was just so confusing. But finally, we ended up at Waffle House telling our waitress about the whole thing.

Tonight was great, but it ended up being so creepy. It was like something out of a movie. A cheesy 80s-style horror movie, maybe. But it was still creepy. And I can't help but think about the person that fell off the bridge. There are so many 'what if's' involved in that. What if we had been on the interstate, right there when it happened? What if we'd been driving by and had seen the person fall? What if - just what if? And the cat just had to be the bad omen. It just had to be. I mean, why else would we come across a dead, cold, fossilized cat in a dark parking lot behind some random building late at night? It obviously meant something. Then again, John and I may have just been over-analyzing things. But no, I think the cat really was an omen. And the bridge accident - although freaky enough itself - only set the theme for the rest of our evening. The whole thing was just plain spooky.

Ok, I think I've freaked myself out enough for one night. Just thinking about it all is giving me chills. So, I'm gonna call it a night. But I will post again tomorrow, I'm sure.

Goodnight.

Do it for me now.

Haha, I've been listening to that song all day. That, and "Cathedrals" by Jump, Little Children. "Do It For Me Now" is just like John said it was - a song that makes you feel like everything's going to be ok...not that I really needed that reassurance today. Still, it's a cool song.

So, my mom and I watched Finding Nemo tonight, finally. We went out to dinner, then we stopped by Bilo - mainly so I could see John, but whatever. Mom really did need a few groceries. Anyway, as soon as we got home, we started watching the movie. She really liked it. And I enjoyed it. I'm glad we finally spent some quality time together. Maybe now she realizes that I still care about her, that I still care about our relationship. I hope she'll loosen up now.

I love my new seat in my anatomy class. I'm back on my favorite side of the room, and I sit by all my favorite people in there. It's comfortable again.

Tomorrow's Saturday, finally. You know, it's kind of funny - by Tuesday, I thought this week would never end. In fact, it was starting to seem a bit depressing. But after Wednesday, things just flew by. Weird how that happened, huh? Anyway, John and I are going to the car show tomorrow night. That should be pretty fun...as long as we can avoid Anna and Stephen, which shouldn't be a big problem. Actually, avoiding them will be the fun part.

I have "Cathedrals" stuck in my head. It really is a good song. And I think of it differently now that I've seen the picture Ali made for John. The song's meaning has changed for me.

Man, I feel like getting up and dancing or something. I feel like bouncing off the walls. But it's late, and my parents are asleep, so I don't think that's a good idea.

Well, I honestly don't remember what else I was going to say tonight. I'm a bit...distracted. So I think I'll just call it a night for now. If I remember, I'll post again. If not, I'll post again tomorrow I'm sure.

Goodnight, for now.

Blood tastes funny.

I just don't get it anymore. No matter what I do, it's not right. Not with my parents, anyway. Mom was disappointed that I came home at 9. Forgive me for accidentally cutting my lip. And forgive me for being hungry. But you know what? I'm disappointed in her. I told her I wanted to watch Finding Nemo with her. I know, it's more of a summer movie, but she's never seen it and I just wanted to watch it with her since I think she'd enjoy it. But she didn't even tell my dad we had planned to watch it. She was supposed to give him a heads up, so she and I could watch it in the livingroom. But she called me while I was at Naia's with John, and I asked her if she still wanted to watch it, and she said no. She told me that Dad was watching TV, and then she said she didn't tell him we were going to watch a movie.

So, when I came home, she said she was 'disappointed' because she thought I was going to be home earlier. Well, the only reason I planned to come home early was so we could watch the movie. And then she said she didn't want me to do anything during the week anymore because they never get to see me. I told her that it seems like they don't care. I mean, they hardly ask about school, or how my day was, or...well, anything else for that matter. So why bother being here?

And another thing - I wanted to go shopping for a prom dress this weekend, just to look. But my mom said she and my dad are going to the car show Saturday afternoon. Then she made it sound like I have all the time in the world to get a dress, like it's nothing important. It's my senior prom. Duh? It just made me sad because it seems like my parents just have nothing to do with me anymore. Even when I make the effort to spend time with them, it just doesn't happen. Yet, they're the ones who get all undone because I spend time with John.

On a happier note, though - I got to spend the afternoon with John. We picked Joe up from school (which didn't turn out to be a disaster after all). After we left his house, we went to Pumper's, then we went to Bilo for like 30 minutes. When we left Bilo, we decided to go over to Naia's and make macaroni. And when we were at Naia's, after we ate, I got that feeling again - the feeling I got at Applebee's last night. That comfort feeling. Maybe it's just Naia, maybe it's John, maybe it's the combination of them both. I don't know. But you know, some people would probably feel a little awkward sitting in the kitchen floor at their boyfriend's grandmother's house. But I didn't. I felt so comfortable. I could've just sat there with John all night, and Naia too. I just didn't want to leave. Of course, I never want to leave when I'm with him, but when you feel that comfortable - no matter where you are or who you're with...man, it's just such a cool feeling.

Anyway, I believe this post is long enough. So I think I'm going to talk to John on AIM for a little while, and then I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

Nothing seems to fill this place.

Oh, the irritation! I don't get why parents make everything so difficult. I thought my mom and I were going to get along today. Really. Everything was fine when I met her at work. But then, when we were leaving Greenville Tech, she got all mad about going to lunch. She told me I wasn't allowed to hang out with John until around 2 or 2:30. What the hell, man? This morning she acted like lunch wasn't going to be a problem. So anyway, I had to be the bad guy and tell John that we couldn't go to lunch together. That just completely killed my mood. And even though I just kept my mouth shut, my mom knew I wasn't happy about it. So of course she had to start one of those "you're never grateful for anything, you're not going to spend all your time with him" lectures. I hate those. My parents don't understand that I'm extremely grateful for everything they do for me. But they also don't seem to understand that I have a boyfriend who I care about very much and love to spend time with. And they know I don't hang out with anybody else anymore. Kellie's always working, Kayla only relies on me for school purposes, and Anna's too busy with her own boyfriend to worry about hanging out with me. And everybody else is just too busy with their own lives. So I don't really have anybody else to hang out with. Can't my parents understand that? I mean, that when I'm with John, I'm happy? Don't they remember how depressed I was last year? And how I lost touch with all my friends so I never did anything with anybody? And how all they did was nag me about getting out of the house? Can't they just be glad that I finally have somebody in my life that makes me happy? God, I wish.

Anyway, so now I'm just stuck at home. I don't know where John is. He said he was 'going to shadow Christy for a bit' - whatever that's supposed to mean. I don't know when he'll be back. We're supposed to be picking Joe up from school, but at this rate even that may not go according to plan.

Parents just suck.

Forever in a second.

I'm really glad I got to see John tonight. Applebee's was really nice. When I finished eating, I just sat back and looked around the restaurant, and then at John and Naia. I realized just how relaxed I was - how comfortable I was. For just a moment, a split second, it felt like everything had just disappeared. Like there was no school, no homework, no stress - nothing. And I started picturing all these things, imagining how the next few months are going to be. It wasn't sad, though. Everything I pictured in that brief moment was something happy.

I wish it could always be like that. But I'm not naive. I know there's a reality we all have to face every day. It's just nice to escape it every now and then, especially for just a few seconds like tonight. And it's nice knowing I'm surrounded by good company - by people I love to death and wouldn't trade the world for.

Tomorrow should turn out to be a pretty good day. And I'm really hoping my mom lets me hang out with John tomorrow after we're done at Greenville Tech. He's supposed to go with me to pick Joe up from school, too. That should be fun. And I promised my mom I would spend some quality time with her tomorrow night, to make up for being gone tonight. She can't argue with that, right?

Anyway, it's taken me quite some time to post this, even though it's not really that much. So I think I need to just call it a night. But I'm sure I'll post again tomorrow.

Goodnight.

It's just us against the world.

Ok, I have to agree with John here. This day sucks. This week sucks. And it's only Tuesday! So, scratch the plans for Friday night. He has to work - close, actually. And Saturday, he's working from 12 to 5, so we'll have to wait until that night to go to the car show. I mean, that won't be a problem. It just sucks that he has to work. He'll be so tired. The only good thing about this week is that he and I might get to see each other Thursday, since he said he would go with me to pick Joe up from school. That'll be great, and Joe would love to see him, I'm sure. So let's hope that works out, 'cause I think we both need something to go right this week.

Anyway, I think this is my last post for the night. But I'm sure I'll be posting again soon.

Goodnight.

When the world comes down.

I haven't been able to get warm all day. Everything has just been so cold. And lonely and empty. I'm not sure why. It almost feels like I've already been through a whole week of school, and it's only Tuesday. Tomorrow will be just another day, I supppose...school until 3:15, then I get to come home and sit around by myself until my parents get home. John doesn't have to work tomorrow, but I doubt we'll get to see each other.

Thursday will be busy though. I get out of school at 9:50, but at 11, I'm going over to Greenville Tech with my mom to talk to an advisor about the fall semester. I don't know how long it'll take. And I just found out that I have to pick up my cousin Joe from school Thursday, after I go to Greenville Tech. He gets out at 3:10, but I'll probably end up staying at his house for a while, until Grandma gets there. So let's hope that tomorrow, I don't get a butt-load of homework to turn in Friday. Regardless, it still sucks because John and I were going to hang out Thursday - well, try to anyway. But now we won't be able to...unless he wants to go with me to pick Joe up from school. And even if I end up not having to pick Joe up, I'm still going to be stuck with my mom since she's taking the rest of the day off. And she'll end up not letting me do anything with John since I have school Friday until 3:15. I just know it.

I hate that everything's so busy this week. And I hate that John and I might not be able to hang out until Friday. I'm starting to miss him. Ok, I know. I just saw him this afternoon. But with the way everything has been the past couple days, and since I had English tonight, it doesn't really feel like I saw him at all. Plus, my mom made me come home at 3:30, so I didn't really get to spend a lot of time with him anyway. And I know, I know. It's not the end of the world if we don't get to see each other for a couple days. It's just that I enjoy having him around. Things feel kinda' empty when he's not with me, especially when my parents get all fussy about stuff. But hopefully we can work something out. And if not, then we'll be sure to make Friday night a blast.

Anyway, I have to go finish my math homework.

Goodnight.

Stick your stupid slogan in.

My parents have the stupidest reasons for things. Ok, so John just called to see if we could have lunch together at my house. Since sneaking around gets too complicated, I decided to ask my mom for permission. That was a mistake. She just ended up making me mad. She said she doesn't want us in the house alone for hours at a time. What? I asked her why, and she said, "Y'all could get in trouble that way." Seriously Mom, what the hell? Apparently, she's under the impression that John and I are 'doing things' we shouldn't be 'doing'. Well, I've already discussed that with her like four times. She just doesn't seem to listen.

I don't know why she doesn't trust me. And I told her that. I told her she should be able to trust me by now, that she should know I'm not like that, and that John and I aren't doing anything we shouldn't be. Her response was, "It's not about that." So I asked, "Ok, Mom. If it's not about 'that', what is it about?" All she said was, "Well, y'all are teenagers." ...So? And then she said, "I just don't want y'all in the house for three or four hours." I asked her what the problem was, and she said, "That's too long." That's so ridiculous. She lets me go off with him from 5 or 6 in the evening until midnight, but three hours in the house is too long?

And she needs to stop worrying about the sex thing, even though she apparently doesn't trust me in that department. I have morals, ok? Besides, John and I have already had that discussion. It's not going to happen for a while, believe me. So what part of "We aren't having sex"doesn't my mom understand?

It's just so irritating. I can't really enjoy getting to do stuff anymore because she makes such a big deal when I ask for permission. And then she gives me bad reasons for not letting me do stuff. The more she does it, the more I want to rebel.

Anyway, John doesn't get out of school until 12:15, so while I'm waiting, I think I'll just go find some music to blare. Marilyn Manson's always good.

For what it's worth.

Ok, so tonight turned out ok after all. Before dinner, my mom got all mad because John and I wanted to go out to eat since it's his last night before school starts back. She gave me this speech about how I'm always doing stuff with other people but I never stay home with her and my dad anymore. So, just to make her happy I decided to stay home and have dinner with them instead of going out with John. Well, it turns out my dad wasn't even hungry, so he didn't eat with us after all. It was just me and my mom, and we ended up having a rather nice conversation. Somehow, we got on the subject of graduation, and I mentioned that John was supposed to be going to Daytona with his family that day, but he's staying behind so he can come. We talked about something else, and then out of nowhere, my mom was just like, "So are you not going to Daytona with John?" I was actually speechless for a second. I told her I hadn't even bothered to ask yet because I was sure she was going to say no. But she said she would. It's not an official decision, since she still has to talk to my dad about it, but hey - it's not a 'no'.

How awesome would it be to go to Daytona with John? Man, it'd be amazing. No, it's GOING to be amazing. I have a feeling it's really going to happen. And if it really does, I'm going to have the best graduation week ever. Forget "Senior Week". Daytona Beach with my boyfriend is a much better option. We'll have so much fun.

Wait, I just thought of something. The week before graduation, I'll be gone to Florida to see my cousin Shelby since I can't make it to her graduation. So, that means I'll get to make two trips to Florida, back to back, with my high school graduation in between. I'll be in Crestview and Panama City the week before with my mom and my grandma, then in Daytona the week after with John and his family. How awesome!

I hate that John has to miss the first day in Daytona because of my graduation though. And it's his aunt's birthday. I feel pretty guilty about it, actually. But at the same time, I can't help it. I want him there for my own selfish reasons. I just hope he's really ok with it.

And I still have prom to look forward to before graduation. That night is going to be amazing.

Man, this spring is going to be so wonderful. My senior year is going to end in the best way possible. And I have the perfect person to share it all with. If I didn't have John, I really wouldn't be looking forward to it all so much. But I do have him, and I couldn't be happier about it. I'm just so excited, you have no idea. I'm ready for spring. I know high school's coming to an end, and I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out at graduation. But really, with everything I have to look forward to, I think the end will be a lot easier to deal with. I hope so anyway. I just wish there wasn't still a whole 2 months left until spring actually gets here. Oh well. I can't wish all the time away, can I?

Anyway, I'm gonna call it a night. And I bet I'll have a dream about the beach tonight. I just know it.

Goodnight.

Here and now.

My expectations for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button were a little bit higher than they should've been. I thought it was going to be a really good movie. I mean, it was...but it was just the slightest bit depressing. It just made me get all sad and nervous about the future again. I know, I know - it's inevitable. But can't I prolong thinking about it just a little bit longer? I guess the movie just opened my eyes and made me realize that we really don't have all the time in the world, even when it seems like we do.

Y'know what really sucks? Winter. It's everywhere. And it lasts forever. It's only the 9th day of January. Well, 10th technically. But who cares. There's still 21 more days to endure of this month, and then there's still February and March to go through. I'm not really looking forward to it. School's going to be crazy enough. But for some reason tonight, the thought crossed my mind that I'm dating the same guy I was dating two years ago. Granted, John and I have both changed a lot since then, so it's not really the same situation, but still. Last time, everything was great around the beginning of the month, but then it all went downhill. Then February and March just sucked. And that's why I'm so edgy about "the future". It doesn't matter if John can see us being together for another year or two, or even for the rest of our lives. I can see it too. I'm just terrified of déjà vu.

But you know what? I don't even want to think about two years ago. That was then, this is now. This year - right now - is the only thing that matters, and I plan on making it the best year ever. I plan on going in a forward direction, not backwards.

Oh, and just so y'all know - John got new rims on his car. They look awesome. Be jealous.

Goodnight.

Laughing burns calories.

I love the fact that I can make John laugh. I don't really try to be that funny, honestly. But sometimes it just happens. I met him at McDonald's tonight when he went on break, and we had a great time. We talked about Batman, and after a few minutes, he seemed to be laughing at just about everything I said. And to tell you the truth, one of the coolest feelings in the world is watching your boyfriend laugh so hard he almost spits his drink everywhere, and knowing he's laughing because of you. I just love watching his face when he laughs. And he says, "I don't laugh, I cackle!" ...like it's a bad thing. But I like it. It's what makes him him.

I'm definitely looking forward to tomorrow. He and I are gonna get to hang out again. It'll be just as fun as it always is, I imagine. Maybe we'll even play hide-and-seek again haha.

Anyway, I'm gonna go find something to do. I'm sure I'll post again soon.

January, eh?

Seriously. It's January 5th. Is it possible to have spring fever this early?

Man, today was great. It started out really slow - school took FOREVER. But when 9:50 rolled around, I was outta there. John and I were supposed to hang out when I got out of school, but he slept in because he was up all night. It was ok though. We still got to eat macaroni and watch Buffy. It just would've been better if we could've watched it on the living room TV instead of on my laptop, but hey - it's not my fault my mom records soap operas. Anyway, after lunch, we kinda goofed off around the house. We even played a brief round of hide-and-seek. It was really fun. Then we went back to his house to get his car so we could go to Gwinn's Tire & Alignment to check on the order status of his new rims. By that time, it was about 3:00 and all the foggy, rainy weather from this morning had disappeared and the sun was out. It felt so much like spring. We rode to Gwinn's and back with the windows down.

When we got back to John's house (after chasing down Samson, the dog, who managed to climb his way out of the pen), he and I played a little Frisbee. That was so much fun. Then he had to start cleaning out his car. But, unfortunately, I couldn't stay there and help because my mom told me to start cooking supper around 4:15...and of course, she had no idea that I wasn't home.

I wish I never had to leave though. This afternoon was just wonderful. It was perfect weather outside, and it was just me and John. We were really having fun and enjoying each other. And when we were coming home from Gwinn's, he pointed out that today was how he imagined spring to be - just me and him, and the road. I couldn't agree more. As soon as spring gets here, he and I are going to stay on the go. At least, I hope so. As long as there are days like today, we're going to have the time of our lives.

Man, spring just can't get here fast enough, can it?

Happy freaking New Year.

Man, my parents really suck. My dad is mad at me because he thinks I'm ignoring him and my mom, and because I woke him up at 1:30 last night washing my hands. So, he's not even speaking to me, and he told my mom to tell me that John and I can't hang out at my house tomorrow because he's off work and "doesn't want to be bothered". Oh, bite me.

Well tonight, my mom, Michelle, John and I were supposed to go to Old Market Square to watch the New Year's fireworks show. It was their idea. I just thought it would be fun. Ha, I was wrong. So, Mom and Michelle went down there before did; I waited for John to get off work. When we got there, it wasn't really crowded. There was a band playing, and there were a couple tents set up where you could buy food. John and I walked around, and we we ended up walking up Main Street to see if Joe's was open. We just wanted to be inside and watch the countdown in Times Square. No luck with that though. Nothing on Main Street was open, so we had no access to a TV or anything. We went back to my mom's car and tried to sit with her and Michelle, but they weren't being any fun so we just went back to John's car. Luckily, we found an AM radio station that was carrying the Times Square countdown. So, we didn't completely miss the midnight mark; we just didn't get to see the ball drop. Anyway, after the fireworks show (which wasn't all that great), my mom and Michelle came over to let us know they were leaving. John and I asked my mom what time I was supposed to be home, and she said 1:00. Excuse me? By then, it was already 12:20. We tried to negotiate with her, but it didn't work. She wouldn't change her mind. So we just left and went over to Naia's for a few minutes.

I'm pretty mad about the whole thing. I mean, my mom pretty much ruined New Year's for me and John. And she knew he'd been gone to Georgia for 3 days. She knew we wanted to spend time together. I just don't know why she was being like that - unless it's because Michelle was with her and she just wanted to act like a mom who was 'in control'. Whatever. It just pissed me off. I mean, New Year's Eve is over. It's all over. It's 2009 now, and we missed it all thanks to my mom. I know there's no point in staying mad about it, but I just wish I could rewind and do it over again. I wish we hadn't gone downtown. Oh well. It's all over. Maybe next year will be better. Maybe. But I still have to wait 364 more days to find out.

And the worst part? BOTH of my parents are off work tomorrow. BOTH.

Happy New Year.