Doctors, cats and bad checks.

I'm in my anatomy class right now. We're going over notes on the nervous system. We had a test on muscles this morning, and I think I did pretty well on it...which surprises me, because it seems like nothing else has gone well in the last month.

The day I turned seventeen was a wonderful day. I guess that should've been a warning sign. Ever since my birthday, things have just gone downhill. Or at least, it feels that way. In the week after my birthday, John and I went from one end of the spectrum to another - church volunteering to porn. It was bad. Both things were issues for me, and of course confronting your boyfriend about things that you don't like is never easy. It's never what he wants to hear. So telling him that I'm uncomfortable with religion and then not even a week later having to tell him that I don't like the idea of him watching porn? Yeah, not so easy. Of course, things got better almost immediately, but then I started having other problems. I'm not going to go into detail, but I ended up having to see a doctor. And I'm having to wait until I hear from Dr. Keller again before I can resume "normal activity". Needless to say, it's causing a lot of frustration - namely between me and John.

Well, before I started having a medical issue, I thought things might be getting better, but then my dad started ruining everything. John was supposed to come over for lunch one day and have spaghetti and give me a massage, but my dad said he was coming home for lunch, and that completely killed the mood. Turns out my dad never came by, so he ruined our moods for nothing. Then, a couple days later, on a Tuesday night, John and I went over to his old teacher's house for tutoring in math. It was just a regular night, and everything was fine, until my mom texted me and told me she needed to talk to me when I got home. She wouldn't tell me what it was about, so I got worried. Well, when I got home, I found out my cat had died. My sweet little innocent kitty, PJ, was gone. He'd been hit by a car while I was gone. I cried and cried and cried. Well, the next day, I was supposed to have Kellie over for dinner. My mom was going to cook lasagna for us and we were going to plan her bridal shower. But my dad didn't want me having company over since he was so upset about PJ. He wouldn't even let my own best friend come over for dinner. So I had to go out to eat with Kellie and Joe and her mom. I mean, it wasn't bad. We still had fun, but I was disappointed that things didn't go as planned.

Oh, and then there was work. Somewhere in the middle of all that, I almost lost my job as a bookkeeper at Bilo. I cashed four bad checks within ten minutes of each other. The manager, Nick, got an email saying not to accept the checks, but it was too late. Nick thought the checks were fake, so he called the store manager, Shane, and told him I was responsible for cashing four fake checks. So Shane said he wanted me out of the cash office and back to being a cashier immediately. I also got written up. Well, Nick (a manager, no less) cashed two himself. And it turns out the checks weren't fake. But the accounts that the checks were written from had no money, so the checks bounced. So basically, I didn't do anything wrong. I just got in a shitload of trouble for it.

So overall, it's been one hell of a month. And now it's November, but it doesn't feel like things are improving...yet. Right now, my main concern is waiting to hear from Dr. Keller and making sure everything's okay with my health. I'm sure nothing's really wrong, but I can't help but be a little paranoid.

I think I just need a vacation. I keep imagining going on a cruise or going to Daytona with John, and it sounds so lovely. I just need a break from everything. I don't feel like myself right now - physically or mentally. I want to relax. I'd like to spend a day doing nothing but watching movies and being lazy. Or go to a spa and get a long massage. Or take a long, hot bath. Or all of the above. Take a hot bath, then watch movies and be lazy? Eh, something like that. I just want my universe back in order.

But on the plus side, John got me tickets to the midnight premiere of New Moon. He's so amazing. Even after all the shit we've been through in the last month - hell, the last year - he still finds ways to be the perfect boyfriend. A lot has changed (including me), but he seems to be a constant in my life. We've gotten closer somehow, and I think it's safe to say our relationship is on a new level. It's kind of scary for me, but I'm loving every minute of it. And apparently he is too. So I'm not complaining.

Anyway, class is almost over so I need to go (by the way, I'm in math now, not anatomy). I'll do my best to keep my blog updated from here on out, so hopefully I'll be posting again soon.

Thanks for listening.

17

Wow. So this is what being 17 feels like?

Today was my birthday. Well, technically yesterday, since it's past midnight. But oh well. It's still my birthday because I haven't gone to bed yet. And my birthday was absolutely amazing. I rode with John to school, got out early, and went to Kellie's house after school. We spent pretty much the whole afternoon trying to find a way for her to get off work so she could come to my birthday dinner at Olive Garden. It seemed pretty hopeless until she finally decided to just call in instead of trying to get somebody to switch with her. So she got to come after all. Granted, she and Joe were late getting to the restaurant, but at least they made it. Ask anybody that was there - I was so worried about them not coming.

Anna was there tonight. It didn't feel right though. She wrote me this long note that she put inside my birthday card about how we've "been through so much together" and how we've "had good times and bad times" and how I'm "the best friend she could ever ask for" and how I'm "just like a sister to her", but it didn't feel right. She wasn't herself. Well, who am I kidding - she hasn't been herself since she started dating that psychotic asshole she calls her boyfriend. She used to be my best friend. I could tell her anything. But not anymore. Kellie is my best friend now. And my friendship with her is different than the friendship I had with Anna. Somehow, Kellie and I are closer than Anna and I could've ever been. Kellie and I are so much alike, too. I think it's perfect that she and I are friends.

And John - wow. Where on this earth would I be without him? He was with me all day today - not much different from any other day, I know. But he made my birthday extra special. When I was opening my gifts tonight, I decided to open his last, and I'm glad I did. He got me a teddy bear from Build-A-Bear. It's a doctor bear, and his name is Tommy. It's the most adorable teddy bear ever. He has a scrubs outfit (complete with a surgical hat and face mask), and he's holding an x-ray with a heart on it. And the best part - press the button in his paw and it's a recorded message from John that says, "I love you, baby. Happy birthday." When I opened the package and saw the bear, I got a lump in my throat. But when I heard the message it played, I almost burst into tears. That was the sweetest thing he could've done for me. I felt silly for getting excited over a teddy bear on my 17th birthday, but it was too perfect. He really surprised me with it. It was awesome. He makes me so happy, and I'm just absolutely blessed to have him as my boyfriend.

My parents got me a new Vera Bradley purse and matching wallet, a Dexter shirt (which is awesome), and a couple gift cards (Hot Topic and Starbucks). I got a cake, money, a laptop tray, a sheet set, more cake, and like a thousand birthday wishes on Facebook. Oh, and text messages. Between Facebook and all my text messages, I had 40 people wish me a happy birthday.

Oh! And after dinner tonight, Kellie and Joe went with me and John to my Bilo. Randy, Terrance, and Alisha gave me a birthday hug, and everybody else wished me a happy birthday. We stayed in my Bilo for a little bit, and then we went to Walmart. That was fun. We were there a long time. And after that, we went across the road to Waffle House for a drink - and a waffle, actually - and the waiter guy gave me a Waffle House hat and had the whole staff sing "Happy Birthday" to me. It was great.

So, all in all, this has been the best birthday I've had so far. Even turning "sweet sixteen" wasn't this good. I just feel so lucky to be surrounded by all my favorite people. And to know that all my friends took the time to even wish me a happy birthday - that's such a wonderful feeling. I feel loved. I can only hope that this is a sign of things to come in the next year. I can't imagine being any happier than I am right now. All thanks to my amazing family and friends - and boyfriend. (Yes, he's in a category all by himself haha).

Anyway, I'm going to call it a night now. I'm definitely sleeping in tomorrow and eating a light lunch. John and I are going out tomorrow night. He's taking me on a "date" for my birthday - just me and him this time. It should be fun. We're going downtown for Fall For Greenville, then he's taking me to Red Lobster for dinner. I'm excited. It should be fun. But until then, I'm going to get some much-needed rest. It's been a long, wonderful, exciting day, and I'm tired.

But here's to being 17. I can only hope that the next 364 days are as wonderful and perfect as this one was.

Goodnight.

I lost my mojo.

Wow, today was great. School went by so fast today - and it wasn't miserable. Sure, I made a bad grade on my anatomy test, but I'm not letting it get to me. This morning after anatomy I went to Waffle House with John. It was so cozy in there - well, at first. After a while it got cold like always haha. But it was so nice to be sitting there having a conversation with him. We talked about Christmas and stuff. It felt right at the time. And now I'm just looking forward to the holidays even more. Anyway, after Waffle House, we went to WalMart and back to school for math. And believe it or not, it wasn't completely unbearable today. Then again, I was doing my medical terminology homework the whole time.

After school, I took John home. I think it was probably one of the best times we've been together. One of. I won't go into all the details, but I felt really close to him today. And it was very unexpected. He's been damn near perfect lately. No, he has been perfect lately, and for the life of me I can't figure out why. I certainly don't deserve it. But he's been saying all the right things and doing the right things and making me feel so special. Maybe it's just the fall weather, I dunno. But I'm not complaining. Certainly not after today. Or tonight.

After I left his house, I went home to do some laundry. Then around 5:30 I went back to John's house to pick him up so we could go to his little cousin's 12th birthday party at Outback. It was really fun. I definitely enjoyed being around that part of John's family. His aunt and uncle - Roxanne and Jeff - are pretty cool. They're my favorite members of his family, other than his grandparents. And Daniel - he's the coolest younger cousin ever. Daniel's other grandpa was really nice too. Anyway, the dinner was fun, and I'm glad I went.

We ended the night by going to Southern Weslyan with Kellie and Joe to watch The Bucket List. We missed the first part of the movie (thanks to Kellie spilling hot chocolate on herself haha), but it was still fun. And then we went to Walmart afterwards and goofed off for a few minutes. It was nice spending time with them though. I always have a good time with the two of them.

Anyway, I know I had a lot more to say, but I think I'm just going to stop writing and go to bed. John's already gone to bed - he didn't wait for me to finish typing this - and now I've lost my blog-posting mojo. I know was going to say something about how wonderful he is and how he was so sweet tonight and blah blah blah, but I'm not feelin' it right now. Seriously. Sorry. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Goodnight.

Kiss me in the rain.

Man, what is it with me and this whole 'being comfortable' lately?

John came to see me at Bilo when he got off work tonight. I got off a few minutes early, so we went to Walmart. It was fun. When we were walking out of Bilo, it was pouring down rain, so we ran to our cars, and I threw my stuff inside the car so we could "kiss in the rain". Yeah, that was romantic for all of ten seconds. Haha. It was raining so hard we had to get in the car - even though we were already soaking wet. But once we got in the car, we decided to head on over to Walmart. There, we tried on "redneck stuff" - camouflage jackets, camouflage hats...you know, redneck stuff. And let me tell you something - my boyfriend is hella sexy in camo. Seriously. Anyway, we left Walmart and went back to Bilo to get my car. When we got back, I was fixing to get out, and John kissed me. It was one of those kisses that makes you forget where you are, or what's even going on around you. It was just perfect.

Anyway, after I got out, I got in my car and for once, I had no idea what music to listen to on the way home. I know I keep bringing up this whole 'comfort' stuff, but seriously - that's what it is. I'm suddenly just so content with my life and the people in it and the situations I find myself in. It's almost scary. And when John was texting me last night about why he doesn't want me to get a tattoo, he said because he "loves me now more than ever". Well, somehow, that's true for me too. I don't know what happened, but I've been coming to the realization that I love him now more than ever too. In fact, I didn't know it was humanly possible to love someone this much.

Wow. That sounded so cheesy. My bad.

But it's true. Every day, I just want to see him and give him a huge hug and tell him that I love him more than anything. I don't take him for granted. And every night when he's bringing me home or whenever we're leaving each other and I end up kissing him a thousand times before I actually leave? It's because I like his kisses. It's because I know that if something ever happened to him - if he were ever taken away from me - I would miss the way his breath smells or that dazed look he always gets on his face. Things like that are important to me. But maybe that's just me being a silly teenage girl. Who knows.

What I do know is that I'm pretty damn lucky to have a boyfriend like him. He says all the right things and does all the right things. He makes me feel perfect. I'm finally perfect for somebody. And that feels right. That feels comfortable to me.

The longest night.

Well, tonight was rather interesting for me. After John left for work, I talked to Kellie and we decided to go look at wedding dresses at David's Bridal. (Yeah, the wedding is December 19th, and I might get to be her maid of honor). Anyway, around 7, she and Joe came to my house and we left for the bridal store. Well, John texted me when we were leaving, saying something about a customer that I used to know coming into Bilo. I figured he was on break, so I texted him, but I never heard anything back. So Kellie, Joe and I left. We got to Powdersville, and I didn't see John's car in the Bilo parking lot. I figured he'd gone to McDonald's, but then when I got to the intersection of 153 and Anderson Road, I saw him standing outside some truck. I had no idea what he was doing, but when the traffic light turned green and I pulled forward, I realized John's car was sitting there. I panicked. I turned around and went back to the intersection as fast as I could. It's funny, because I knew he was alright - he was standing up for crying out loud. But it's like I had some instinct inside me that just had to be sure he was okay. He'd been in a minor car wreck. Well, it wasn't even really a wreck - more like a...bent-hood-and-scratch-on-the-bumper incident. But it was embarrassing for him. And I think it ended up messing up his radiator, but he should be able to get it fixed.

Anyway, after I waited for him to get cleared from the incident, I took Kellie and Joe to David's Bridal. Kellie found a really pretty - simple, but pretty - wedding dress that she's probably going too get when she goes back on Wednesday. I'm so happy for her. I know she's excited, and I am too. Anyway, after we dress-shopped, we went to Don Pablos for dinner. That was nice. We just talked and goofed off the whole time. All I really thought about was John though. For some reason, I still felt overprotective of him. And I think that's why we ended up going back by Bilo on the way home and waiting for him to get off work.

We were all going to go to Wal-Mart tonight when John got off work, but his car was acting funny (to say the least), so we ended up missing Kellie and Joe. It's okay though. There's always Wednesday.

I just keep thinking that somehow, even though tonight was horrible for John, and even though nothing really went according to anybody's plan, it was perfect. It's like my universe is completely in order because of tonight. I'm somehow content with life at this exact moment. And I also realized tonight how important the people in my life really are. When I was eating dinner with Kellie and Joe, sure, I couldn't help but wish my boyfriend was there too, but I didn't totally feel like a third wheel. I just felt like my other half was missing. But while we were at the restaurant, I just thought to myself how I'm so lucky to have them as my friends - especially Kellie - and how fun they are and how well we all get along. And when I saw John and realized he'd been in an accident - even though it wasn't that serious - all I did was panic. And I realized in the few seconds it took for me to turn around and go back to the intersection that I'd fall all to pieces if something ever happened to him. I just kept thinking how quickly I could lose him - how when you least expect it, the very worst can happen. But he's okay. And saying I'm relieved would be an understatement.

I don't know. I guess I'm just in one of those reflecting moods right now. I feel like I've witnessed somebody's dream unfold before my eyes. But I also feel like I've gained some kind of insight into the people around me and the relationships I have with them. I know that I don't take the people in my life for granted. It's just funny how even the smallest things like chips and salsa or a scratched hood can make you realize things like that.

Anyway, that was my reflection for the night. And now I'm going to bed.

Goodnight.

The best kind of rain.

Man, today has been the perfect day. I woke up this morning to John’s text message, and I was so unbelievably comfortable. I didn’t want to move. John came over shortly after I woke up to eat before he went to work. It was great. We watched Dora the Explorer haha. Then we brought PJ, my cat, into the house to chill with us after we ate. He’s so cute. He ran all over the house, and then he went in my bedroom. So John and I went in there and PJ was on my bed, so we lay down with him for like half an hour. It was so cute. And John mentioned that it felt like we were living together. He was right. All morning, it felt like we had our own place, and PJ made up our little family. It was so comfortable. And on top of that, it was raining this morning. Well, it’s been raining all day, but that just made it extra cozy this morning. It was just perfect. And after John left for work, I kept PJ in the house, and he ended up falling asleep with me on the couch. It was so cute, I just had to take a picture.

I’ve just been really comfortable all day. And I had lunch with my mom today. That was nice. Now I’m just hanging out at her office until I have to go to work. I’m a little sleepy, but I think it’s just that whole being comfortable thing. And the rain. The rain definitely has something to do with it.

I talked to Kellie last night and this morning. She and Joe are getting a place together. And their wedding date is set for December 19^th. I can’t wait. John and I are both going to be in the wedding, too. Kellie said she’d make sure we walk in together. It’s going to be awesome. I’m so happy for her. I also envy her a little bit. I mean, I certainly don’t want to get married any time soon, but a part of me wishes John and I could have a place together. Or that he could have his own apartment. I’m so tired of his parents treating him like shit, and I want him to have a better life. I want him to be able to get away from them. And I hope that by the time he turns 21, he’ll have enough money saved up so that he can move out. And I can help him. I will help him. I want so much better for him. His parents wouldn’t even let him make his own dinner last night. At 10:00 last night, they told him it was too late to cook macaroni. But he was hungry. They told him to make a sandwich. How fucking mean. How do you tell your own son that he can’t make his own dinner in his own house? When he told me that, it just flew all over me. I felt bad that I’d been talking to my mom and that I hadn’t gotten his text messages until like half an hour after he sent them. But that’s not the point. Point is – his parents have no reason to treat him like that. And his dad said John needs to treat his mom better and blah blah blah, but they need to learn to treat him better. They need to act like parents. I get home from work at 11:30 at night all the time, and my mom tells me if I’m hungry and want to fix something to eat, I can, as long as I clean up my dishes. So John’s parents are just giving him crap.

Sorry, I guess I could go on and on about them. They just make me so mad. And John deserves better. He tells me that he’s sorry for “burdening me with his problems”, but that’s not what he’s doing. He has every right to complain.

Anyway, I guess I’m gonna go. I have to get ready for work soon. Maybe I’ll post again tonight, but who knows.

Working things out.

Well, my dad's certainly not in a good mood right now. He's probably mad because he probably thinks I lied about where I was this afternoon. But I really did go get gas. I have the receipt to prove it. So technically I'm innocent....as far as they know.

But is it really such a criminal thing that I spent the afternoon at my boyfriend's house? Something good actually came out of it. Well, not really a "thing", per se, but we had a good talk. So I'm glad I stayed. I was just having one of my 'moments' this afternoon, and John puts up with those pretty well. And I confronted him about the whole internet thing - being online 24/7. We're ok. I'm just trying to get into the habit of putting my feelings out in the open. John always gets mad when I don't tell him something's wrong, so I'm trying my best to be open about the things that come to my mind.

I told him today that I'm needy. He knows that. But it's not so much that I'm needy. I just prefer his attention. And I'm not sure why I'm like that. I just am. I don't need to be with him constantly, or talking to him constantly, but I like knowing that he's there for me, and I enjoy being with him. He's a constant in my life. I do well with those. I guess I just appreciate him too much or...something. I don't know where I'm going with that, really.

Ok, I'm really sleepy all of a sudden, but I don't want to fall asleep cause my dad's like right beside the couch on the desktop computer, and it's kind of awkward right now because he's totally not talking to me. He's unresponsive to everything I say. Oh well. I'm just gonna say it's because of work. It shouldn't be because of me. I wish he would go fishing or something.

I'd like to go out to lunch with my mom this week. Either tomorrow or Friday. Probably Friday, since John and I will probably hang out tomorrow after school. But if I decide to do something with my mom tomorrow instead, I know he'll understand. I just hope my mom's not all mad too. That receipt from the gas station is my alibi, man. And I guess I won't get to meet John on break tonight. I just don't want to hear her nag about how I "spend all my time with him" and blah blah blah. She makes me feel so horrible about it. Or, well, she tries to. But the stupid thing is - whenever I try to actually do stuff with her and spend time with her, she puts it off or gives me some lame-ass excuse. It's annoying. But at least I try, right?

So I was watching Dexter today, and it was the last episode of Season 3. Dexter and Rita were getting married. That made me think about my wedding day. I wonder what it's going to be like. John and I have talked about it countless times, but we have so many ideas, it's hard to picture how it'll really be. I like the dress Rita wears though. It's simple but it's beautiful. And you know what else Dexter makes me think about? Having kids. I know it's just a tv show, but watching Rita go through the pregnancy makes me wish I was ready to have kids of my own. I mean, I know I'm nowhere near ready for something like that, but I just keep having these scenarios pop into my head of being a mom. Random, I know.

Anyway, my mom's home now. I guess I'm going to go. Maybe I'll post again later tonight, but I'm going to try to study for my medical terminology quiz and possibly read a little psychology.

That's all for now, though.

Comfort.

I think I'm just going to take back what I said in that last post. Well, maybe not. (Hey, that was at 4 in the morning - cut me some slack, k?) I just think maybe I was overanalyzing then. Even though that was kind of the point I was trying to make.

Ugh, whatever. Anyway, tonight John and I went to the fair. Everything felt right. Comfortable. And we went to Cracker Barrel afterwards. That was especially comfortable. I made him laugh a lot, and that made me feel really good. I love to watch him laugh - it's just a relief knowing that he's laughing because of me.

And yes, I'm still over-thinking and second-guessing my behavior around him, but it's getting better. He was awfully nice to me tonight. I felt undeserving, but I felt special. When we were leaving Cracker Barrel, we were walking out into the parking lot and he put his arm around me and then when we got to his car, he opened the door for me. He opened the door for me at Waffle House too. I appreciate those little gestures. It's little things like opening car doors that make me realize how much he cares about me - and how much I care about him.

But as far as that whole second-guessing thing goes, I only get that feeling when he says or does something I find attractive. It's like I find myself making it a point not to say he's 'hot' or something. I dunno. But I'll get over it. Especially if we have more nights like tonight.

Oh, and I got an airbrush tattoo at the fair that I'm seriously considering making permanent. It's a set of stars behind my left ear. I would put up a picture, but all the ones I have are on John's camera. It's pretty awesome though. But that's just a thought for now.....

Anyway, I'm seriously comfortable right now, so I'm going to go to bed. I think I'll be able to sleep tonight. Nothing's bothering me anymore.

Goodnight.

Fail.

I can't sleep. It's 4am, and I'm wide awake. I have been for the last....hour or so? I haven't really slept all night. I keep tossing and turning. And I can't stop thinking about John. This whole issue with the gURL message boards is just nagging at me. I feel like I've failed as a girlfriend. I said things I shouldn't have said - things I should've just said to his face. But that wouldn't have gotten me anywhere. He just thinks that all I want is sex. But that's not it at all. All I want is to be intimate with my own boyfriend. The way I see it, I'm never going to be with anyone else. I think it's normal that I feel that way about him. But it's not all I want.

I just feel like shit about the whole thing. And I should. John said before he left last night that he feels like 'somehow, our relationship is better', after talking about it or whatever, and yeah, it might be, but I'm just scared. I know that from now on, I'm going to over-analyze and second-guess everything I do around him. I'm going be afraid to kiss him because he'll think I want it to go further. And I don't. I like the way he kisses me. But now? I'm afraid I won't be able to enjoy that anymore. I'm afraid I won't be able to wrap my arms around him or touch him in any way because it might seem too 'sexual'.

God, why can't I go to sleep already?

He's forgiven me for the whole thing, but obviously he won't forget. I just want to put it behind us. I really screwed up. But it could've been worse, I guess. It was just a couple of posts on an online message board. It's not like I cheated on him. Still, I just made one big mess out of things, and even though we talked about it and we're "better" now, it's still bothering me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I just want to go into a corner and curl up in a ball. And now I feel like I won't be able to talk to anybody about anything. If John and I have anymore problems and I try to confront him about it, he'll probably say it has something to do with sex. I don't have anybody to confide in. I can't tell my mom that this whole thing is bothering me. I don't want to explain to her how it got started and give her all the details. She'll just see it as a way out for me - another reason for me to "date other people".

I just feel like I've been labeled or something. Like I'm the girl who only wants sex. But I'm not. If I was that girl, I wouldn't have a boyfriend. I want someone to share my whole life with. Sex is only a small part of it. But not now. It's going to be nonexistent now.

Anyway, I think I've typed enough to make myself sleepy. Hopefully I can sleep from now until 8, which is when I have to start getting ready for work.

Goodnight, I guess.

Best one of the best ones.

So, originally, I was going to post a nice little blog and talk about how I haven't posted in a while and how I'm excited fall's here and blah blah blah. But I don't feel like typing all that anymore, and quite frankly, I'm not sure what I was going to say after all. 

John came to see me at work today. He was there for a while. He stayed there while he waited on his mom to meet him at Brixx for dinner. Then he came back by afterwards to tell me how horribly the dinner went. I won't go into detail, but it's safe to say that his mom's just a bitch, and she doesn't care about her own son. She treats him like crap. And he deserves so much better than that. She doesn't support him, she doesn't listen to him - she's not a real mother to him. And I can't stand it. But I'm glad I can be there for him. 

We went to Waffle House after I got off work. We stayed there for a while, and he just talked about dinner with his mom. I hate seeing him so...depressed. He only gets that way when he's talking about his parents. I've seen it. It's like happiness just drains out of him. He's not himself, even when he's just talking about them. Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and comfort him. He's always so good to me, and I just wanted to return the favor. I can't stand seeing him unhappy. I hope I made him feel better. 

After we ate, we went outside and sat in John's car. He was trying to pick a song to listen to, and he ended up playing "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional. It was the first time I'd ever heard the song. But when it was playing, he kissed me. And for some reason, that moment really affected me. All I heard of the song was the line, "You have stolen my heart" playing in the background. But something about the way he was holding me, and the way he was kissing me, and the music and the lyrics of the song playing - it was just the perfect moment. And for some reason, it really got to me. I actually felt a lump in my throat as I was getting out of the car. Not in a bad way, though. I'm really not even sure why. But somehow, tonight was one of the best nights I've had in a while. 

On a different note, I'm glad I don't have to be at work until 5 tomorrow. I definitely want to chill after school. And I'm hoping the weather stays nice. It's really starting to feel like fall, and it just makes everything better. 

Anyway, I'm going to bed now. I just wanted to share that thought about tonight. I know I must sound like a silly teenage girl, but it's just how I felt tonight. I think I just had one of those moments where I realized what's really important to me, and at the same time, I felt important to someone else. And for the record, I'm glad John's in my life. I don't know what I'd do without him. Somehow, in this crazy world - out of all the ways things could've worked out - we ended up together and I think it's just meant to be that way. 

Break.

I think I picked the wrong week to go on vacation. Why? Because (not only did I miss TWO Green Day concerts, but) I came back home, and suddenly I'm having a really bad week. Or maybe it's not that bad, but it sure as hell feels like it. I've seen John one day since I got back. I've been home since Saturday, and we only hung out on Sunday. Today's Wednesday. It's frustrating. I missed him like crazy while I was gone last week. And I miss him again already. He came to Bilo to see me last night, but it was really pointless because I was in the cash office with a bunch of tills and I couldn't really talk. The only time I've seen him since Sunday is online. Woo hoo.

I don't think I feel like typing anymore. My mom's making me extremely mad because she won't stop nagging me about my school schedule. My Spanish class got cancelled, so now I have to either switch two of my classes so I can take Spanish, or just take something else instead. The only other thing I would take besides Spanish would be computer, and I was hoping to take that with John next semester. I'm really not sure what I should do. Right now, I feel like I should switch my math and psychology so I can take Spanish. I would only have one class with John, but right now, I feel like that might just be best.

I don't know. I wish I could go back to Saturday night. I was home from Miami, I was hanging out with John, everything was great. Now I'm just alone and stressed and...right now I'm very hungry. But I'm going out to lunch with my grandma and my cousin, so I'm not going to eat anything yet. And it's raining. I used to like rainy days. I don't think I like it today.

Travel the world, and the seven seas.

The ocean looks angry tonight. It’s black. The waves are slapping against each other, causing white foam to spray everywhere. The moon is casting a leathery shadow on the black water – it almost looks like snakeskin. The swells are huge, and the ship is rocking with each crest. There are seagulls flying overhead, going who knows where. The decks on the ship are rather quiet tonight; the lights create a magical haze around the entire ship, filling the spaces where the crowds are gone in for the night. All I can hear is the rushing sound of the water. Inside, the ship’s nightlife is in full swing. People are leaving the dining rooms and filing into the hallways. It’s so noisy and colorful. Yet when you open the door to come outside onto the third-floor deck, a tornado-like gust of wind hits your entire body, and then you’re in a state of calm. It’s a different world out here on the deck – no people, no music – only you and the night.

Seeing Mother Nature angry like this is almost comforting. Sure, it’s a little scary being out in the middle of the ocean at night watching 10-foot swells hammer the side of the ship you’re vacationing on, and feeling the up-and-down motion of the waves, but at the same time it’s like poetry. It’s beautiful. It’s chaos, unfolding right before your eyes. Mother Nature is upset, and she wants you to feel it too.

In a way, I can relate. I’m upset because my boyfriend isn’t with me. I’m upset because he can’t experience this cruise with me. Granted, I’m not causing everyone around me to be severely nauseated and unable to walk in a straight line, but my moods are rather up and down like the waves. I’m happy, but I’m depressed. The ocean is more comforting to me than anything, yet I’m still uncomfortable because my boyfriend’s arms aren’t wrapped around me. Actually, I guess you could say being in his arms is more comforting to me than anything. But I guess the ocean is the next best thing. I just find it ironic because it’s almost like the ocean is doing the pouting for me.

I’m waking up in San Juan, Puerto Rico tomorrow morning. We’re scheduled to arrive at 7 AM. I’d like to be awake, but I doubt I will be. It’s funny, because I’m on vacation yet I’m resting less than I do when I’m at home and working every day. And at some point, I would like to wake up early and watch the sunrise on the Sky deck, but it’ll probably just make me wish John was here to watch it with me…

Oh, who am I kidding? Everything on this ship makes me wish John was with me. I see all these couples getting their pictures made, and I want it to be me and him. I want nothing more than to hug him right now. It’s so strange – I didn’t realize how much I would miss him physically. And no, not like that physically. I miss his face and his smile and the way he sneezes. I love the way he holds me – how we just fit perfectly together. And if I could have that here – if I could just be with him on this cruise…if he could see what I’m seeing – the angry ocean and the full moon…if he could smell what I smell – the salty water, the greasy leftover food smell drifting down from the top deck…if he could experience this with me. If only he were here.

I really should stop talking about it like that. I sound desperate and needy. But it’s frustrating knowing that the one thing that would make my vacation – my entire summer – complete is the one thing that absolutely cannot happen.

I like Mother Nature. She’s my new best friend.

The snooze cruise.

Man, who would’ve thought a cruise would be so boring? And not only that, but I can’t even communicate with my own boyfriend. WiFi is $100 – just for 250 minutes worth. I mean, I guess if you do the math, it’s only like $25 dollars an hour, but who cares? For what the actual cruise costs, WiFi should be included. And sure, I have a cell phone, but we’re out in the middle of the ocean. John has called me like five times today, and I can’t answer because we’re not in a cell phone coverage area. It would cost too much just to answer the phone and talk for a few minutes. I miss him terribly though. My parents are boring, and they’re making me feel like a third wheel. They went to breakfast this morning without me. All my dad cares about is drinking, and my mom’s so ADD she can’t pick just one thing to do. And whatever I want to do, she wants to do the opposite.

I just keep having all these “if” moments. Like, if John were here, we could go down the water slide and sit in the pool on the Lido deck and watch whatever movie is playing on the big screen. Or we could go to one of the shows in the Venetian Palace. Or we could go play mini-golf on the top deck. Or we could go eat at the buffet at 2:00 in the morning. He could escort me to dinner tonight – it’s Formal Night, where everybody dresses up in their best dresses and suits. I’m wearing my prom dress. And it would only be right for him to escort me, seeing as how he was my prom date this year. And when we were at Half Moon Cay, I kept seeing all these couples out in the water. I just kept imagining how that could be me and John. It’s just so wrong to be here without him. And it’s weird because every other year I’ve been on vacation, I haven’t had a boyfriend. But now that I do, I can’t stand him not being with me. Especially on a cruise. We would’ve had so much fun together on this boat.

Y’know, it just occurred to me – I hope John was only calling because he misses me and wants to talk to me, not because something’s wrong at home. But I’m going to put that thought out of my mind. It’s just like we can’t get to St. Thomas fast enough. The first thing I’m gonna do when we get to St. Thomas in the morning is call John. I don’t care if he’s awake or not, I’m calling him.

I guess I need to stop going on and on about how I miss my boyfriend. I think I’m whining too much. But don’t I have a right to? This cruise was supposed to be for my graduation, and I didn’t even get to bring anybody with me. It’s no different than any other vacation with my parents. So yeah, I’m a little upset about it.

Anyway, I guess I’m going to go for now. My computer battery is almost dead, and my mom’s drying her hair so I can’t charge my computer. Plus, it’s almost 6:00. I need to finish getting ready for dinner. But I’ll probably be posting again at least once or twice before this vacation’s over. If “vacation” is what you want to call it.

Getting there is half the fun. I think.

Well, I’m going down the road on I-95, so obviously there’s no WiFi available. So I’m writing this on Microsoft Word, but I’m going to post this online as soon as I find some WiFi.

We’re still in South Carolina right now. We just stopped at McDonald’s for breakfast. It’s about 8:00, so I think we’re making pretty good time. We have a little less than 30 miles before we’re out of South Carolina. I ended up going back to sleep after we got on 385. I slept the whole way through Columbia, which is surprising since my dad was driving. But I kept waking up and going back to sleep hoping that the next time I looked at my phone, I would have a text message from John. I miss him like crazy already. I wish he was here with me. He gave me his bottle of Fierce cologne, and I’ve caught myself smelling it already. You would think I’m going away to college for four years or something. It’s just a cruise. It’s just a week. I guess I’m just disappointed because this vacation didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to. And I know Michelle couldn’t help losing her job, but still. That’s basically why I’m stuck sleeping on the pull-down-from-the-wall bunk bed in my parents’ room. Kellie couldn’t afford to go, Anna just plain won’t go (in fact, I’m pretty sure she could care less about doing anything with me, let alone a cruise), and my parents wouldn’t let John go. And that would’ve made everything perfect. But I’m secretly hoping (well, secretly as far as my parents are concerned) that next year, for John’s 21st birthday, we can go on a cruise – just me and him. I know right now it’s a long shot, but I think we could make it happen. We’ve just gotta buckle down and get serious about school and make sure we obey my parents’ every little rule. I’ll even go to the main campus at Tech next semester. Well, no I won’t. But it’s a nice gesture to think about. My mom tried to tell me last night in the middle of yelling at me that she’s making me go to the main campus or the Simpsonville campus for school next semester to get me away from John. But that’s not fair. It’s college. It’s my choice. When she can earn my nursing degree for me, and when she starts paying for tuition, then she can tell me where to go. But as long as I have my scholarship, I’m going where I want to go.

Dude. This part of South Carolina stinks. And my orange juice is getting hot. Oh well. And only 5 more exits until we get to Georgia. I’m sure I can keep typing until then. I keep seeing signs for Shoney’s. I love Shoney’s. I’d like to stop at one on the way home. Maybe. My dad’s in the back seat snoring, but I might have to wake him up so I can get the power adapter for my computer. There are a lot of palm trees down here. It’s nice. I can’t wait to see what Miami looks like. I bet it’s beautiful. I just wish John could see it with me. The whole time I’m on this cruise, all I’ll be able to think about is how it would be if John were with me.

Welcome to Georgia.

Well, I guess I’m going to go. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what I can talk about for the next hundred miles or so that we’ll be in Georgia. But if I think of anything else, I’ll be sure to post again. And I might even get to post tomorrow. Who knows.

Happy travels, y’all.

Code fifteen or something.

I'm not sure why, but I felt this overwhelming urge to write a blog. So here I am, posting this. I just took a shower, and even though I feel a whole lot better, I also feel very sleepy all of a sudden. I'm not hungry or thirsty; I'm just sleepy. It's like I can't lift my arms or something. Weird.

Well, my second day of bookkeeping at work went rather well. I only had a couple mishaps, and they were nothing major. I balanced three tills, did three audits, and got one pick-up. I even rang up a few money orders. Bookkeeping is basically just a ton of information. There are a lot of codes to memorize, and a lot of procedures to remember, but once you get the hang of it, it's really not that bad. And apparently, bookkeepers are right under the managers as far as authority goes. So we get to tell the cashiers and baggers what to do. Not that any of the bookkeepers really do that. The only thing that bookkeepers at my Bilo do is tell people when to go on their lunch break, unless a manager says otherwise. Oh and cigarettes - those are a lot to remember. There are so many names and different kinds - it's going to take a few days to figure out where they are. My training is going so well though. Heather told Jim that I'm catching on "pretty quickly" with everything. The only real problem I had was today when my key broke when I tried to open the Service Center door. But even that didn't take long to fix.

I don't want to go on vacation. I know that sounds weird, but it's true. That cruise I'm going on in August is just getting in the way of everything. Why pack up a whole bunch of luggage and drive all the way to Miami just for a week of vacation? Just to come home, unpack everything, and go back to the everyday routine? Seriously. It's just stupid. I'm ready for school to start. I want to get my nursing degree so badly, it's killing me. I want to be a nurse so I can help little kids and make decent money and support myself. Anyway, I just feel like skipping the vacation and going straight to school. Oh, and if I weren't going on the cruise, I'd be able to go to the Green Day concert in Atlanta on August 1st. Yes, I'm still very upset about that.

I seriously feel like taking a nap.

Maybe my mom and I can watch Urban Cowboy tonight. That's like her favorite movie so when I found it at Wal-Mart the other day, I just had to get it for her. Maybe we'll watch it tonight, if she wants to.

Kellie and her mom came to see me at work today. They even stayed with me on my break and went shopping afterwards. It was good to see her. I've missed her lately. We just haven't been able to hang out as much as we wanted to this summer. But hopefully we'll get to hang out a little more before school starts.

I wonder what I'm doing this weekend. For the first time in a long time, the plans seem wide open. Last weekend, I figured I'd be hanging out with my mom since John had his wisdom teeth taken out. But I have no clue what's in store for this weekend. I'd like to go to the lake, since I have Saturday off, but who knows. John probably won't feel like going. His mouth doesn't seem to be getting any better. And I don't want him to lie to me and tell me that he feels like going when he doesn't simply because we'd planned to go. Plans can change.

I haven't seen Kenneth at work in a while. I miss him. And Taylor. I miss her too. And Jennifer - the new...ish girl. And Audrey. It seems like I haven't seen them in forever. But then again I've only worked three days this week. They must be just working different shifts these days. I'll be glad when my training is over so I can start working nights with all the cool people. And honestly, I hope that my schedule and the managers' schedules work out so that I work with Nick as little as possible. He's my least favorite manager. He tries to be cool, but he isn't. Even Shane is more tolerable than Nick is. So I just hope that I don't have to work with him very much. Jim is definitely my favorite manager. He was hanging out in the cash office joking around with me and Heather this morning, saying something about how she's the Groucho Marx of the 21st century because she says "seriously" all the time - seriously. But he's just so cool. And nice.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do right now though because my mom's gone, and my dad's busy working on something in his building...I think. I might post again later though, depending on my mood. Or what time it is. Who knows.

Oh, and there's a line from a Green Day song that I just love. It's from "Restless Heart Syndrome", off their new album. It says, "I feel like I've been crucified to be satisfied." I just love that line.

Ok, I'm going now.

Watching the sun set.

My cats are so cute. I'm sitting outside, just watching them play. It's funny how I used to be a dog person. I still love dogs, and I prefer them to cats, but cats are cool.

...yeah, I'm bored. My dad keeps saying that he's going to watch Dexter with me, but he hasn't yet. And I asked him if he was going to watch it tonight but he's already asleep. And I haven't heard from John. Guess I'm not going back over there tonight. I'll be glad when he's recovered from his wisdom teeth surgery. I haven't exactly been able to take care of him or anything. He won't tell me the truth when he's in pain, so I can't help him. And I didn't help him with the syringe today because if he won't even tell me he's in pain, why would he let me help him rinse out his mouth? Oh well. It's his body. I'll just be glad when he's better. He didn't even react when I said I was leaving today. That was unusual. But whatever.

I had a lot of fun with my mom and her friends tonight. I finally got to go on a "girls' night out", only it was more of a bridal shower than anything. And I tried some wine that was really nasty, and I tried sangria. It was really good. I actually had a full glass of it. Anyway, the girls were so funny. We laughed the whole time. And I finally felt like I was a part of something. It was just cool for me to finally be included with them.

I think I might wash my car tomorrow. It's getting kinda dirty. And I'd like to go get my nails done. But I'm definitely sleeping in tomorrow. I just wanna take it easy since I'm working 9 to 4 Wednesday and Thursday. I'm actually excited about work though, because I officially become a bookkeeper! I can't wait. I'll get to do so much more now. I'll actually have some authority too. And a lot more freedom.

The sunset was really pretty tonight. I've been sitting out here watching it for the last hour. It's beautiful. This is one of those nights where I really love where I live. It almost makes me feel like a kid again. Or like one of those nights a few years ago when I would go sit on the porch with Nan & Pop right after they moved into their new house. It's just so peaceful.

Anyway, I think I got my mom to agree to playing cards with me tonight, so I'm going to go inside for a few rounds of Rummy. Then I'll probably get back online or watch tv or watch a movie or something. I might even post another blog. Who knows at this point.

Just a possibility.

Maybe I'm not the person I used to be.

Maybe I really have changed. Maybe I have a reason, maybe I don't.

Maybe I feel like everything else has changed too.

Maybe I don't know why.

Something's missing from my world.

What if it's because I lost a girl who thought of me as her best friend? What if it's because she and her sister were taken from me in a car wreck? Maybe because I had to deal with losing someone I care about for the first time since I was seven? Oh, and don't forget about the part where the girl who said she was my best friend and that I was "the best sister she could ever ask for" pushed me out of her life to be with her psycho, bipolar, disrespectful, antisocial pain-in-the-ass boyfriend. John keeps saying I need to talk to her, do something about it. But how do you talk to the person who hurt you the most? She said she would never let anybody - especially a guy - come between us. But she did. Even when I made an effort to stay in her life, she showed no interest. It's not my fault, and I can't keep being the bigger person. She made a choice, and she chose him. I don't even know where she's going to college.

Y'know, I'm really not sure what to say at this point. A friend of mine - well, she's becoming my friend, I guess - is asking for some guy advice, and I can't exactly concentrate on helping her and getting all this stuff off my chest at the same time. Maybe another night.

But before I go, let me just say that I do love my boyfriend very much, and I don't take him for granted at all and he is the best part of my life. He thinks I'm not happy with him but that's completely wrong. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be half as happy as I am now. I probably would've fallen apart after Priscilla and Lydia's death had he not been there to get me through it. Especially since Anna has abandoned me. She never even called to see if I was ok - if I was handling it alright. I guess she had Stephen to comfort her so it didn't matter if I was ok. But John was there through everything. And he's here now. And sure, we have our little moments, but everyone does. And I think our stupid little disagreements (if you can even call them that) make us stronger. And hearing Kaylee talk about her guy problems just makes me feel even luckier to have such a wonderful boyfriend and such a strong relationship.

Maybe it's not so bad that things are different. I mean, sure, it'd be nice to go back to the way things were at Christmas or during the spring, but I think John and I have a lot to look forward to in the future. And I promise to stay optimistic about it. I'll do my best to stay positive and enjoy life. I have no reason not to.

Goodnight.

Work hard, play hard, and have best friends.

Man, I'm tired. It feels like I've been living at Bilo lately. I've worked four days in a row - tomorrow will make 5. I'm glad to be getting the extra hours, but it's wearing me out, and I feel like it's taking too much time away from me and John. So I'm hoping that nobody calls in Wednesday so I can have at least one day off this week. Tomorrow, I work 11 to 4, and afterwards, I plan on spending time with John. Possibly Kellie and Joe, too. Tomorrow is Kellie's only day off, and I told her we would try to hang out. John mentioned going to see Christy and Kevin tomorrow night though, so who knows our plans at this point. I'd like to hang out with them again. And go see his grandparents in Pickens. I think I've been a little selfish lately, because I went through that weird phase for a couple weeks, where nothing seemed right, and I just wanted to spend time with John alone. I didn't want to have to deal with other people. But since things are back to normal - well, it seems like things are back to the way they used to be - I feel like going different places and seeing different people.

I'm glad John and I are "back to normal". It seems weird to be saying that - like something horrible went wrong and we fixed it - but I seriously just felt out of it for a few weeks. But now I'm fine. I'm content with the way things are, and I have a really positive outlook on life. And it happened all on its own. Now, the only things I can think about are how happy I am to have such an amazing boyfriend and how glad I am to be able to spend time with him, and how excited I am to start my nursing career. I absolutely cannot wait to start college and get my nursing degree. Especially now that I've decided to go into pediatrics. I can't wait to go to work every day in a pair of scrubs and make little kids better. And here lately, I can't wait to have kids of my own to take care of. But that's a different story. I know that I don't want to start a family until I have a good, steady job. And until my schooling is pretty much over. I don't want to try earning a master's degree while trying to raise a child. I won't put my child through that.

See? I feel so optimistic. It's like I've had some sort of epiphany. And sure, I'm tired after working so much lately, but I know that in the end, when I get my paycheck every Friday, it'll be well worth it. The only thing I have to worry about now is my car. I think the transmission is about to go out. It started shifting really weird earlier today, like the car's fixing to shut off or something. And it did it really bad on my way home from work tonight. I just hope I can get it taken care of. I love my car to death, but God knows I don't want to have to pay thousands of dollars (that I don't even have) to fix it.

I wonder how Anna is. My best friend and I have grown apart. Actually, I don't even know if you can call her my best friend anymore. I haven't heard from her since she told me she was going to Virginia with Stephen and his family. I hope she got back safely. I hope he didn't try to kill her or something. Lord knows he's psycho enough to. I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. I know that I'm not the one who pushed everyone I love aside for my boyfriend. I'm not the one who picked my boyfriend over my best friend. She did. And she should realize that Stephen may not always be there for her. Her true friends and her family will be. But she's pushing them all away. I think I'm ok with it though. I'd like to think that she would still be there for me if I need her, but I also know that I'm surrounded by other friends and a wonderful family. And I really don't think John's going anywhere. Not for a while, anyway. And besides, he has become my best friend. I can tell him pretty much everything. He sees me for who I really am, and he accepts me that way. He doesn't judge me or criticize me for my faults. And he respects me. He also respects my family, and he gets along with my friends. And he knows that family comes first with me, and he's ok with that. There are many times where I've put my family before him, but he's been ok with it. And I love him so much for that. He really is my best friend.

And Kellie - I love her too. She understands me like we're sisters. I can tell her pretty much anything too. And she doesn't tell me that she loves me or that I'm the "best sister she's ever had" like Anna does, but she shows it, even if it's just by going to the mall with me. She leans on me, and she knows she can confide in me. We've become so close over the last ten months. And she's been there for me since Anna started slipping away. I just wish Anna would wake up and see what she's doing to herself. But I guess she'll come around eventually. There's not much I can do right now. But John and I are supposed to be going to Flat Rock, NC with her and her parents for a moonbounce job on July 21st. Let's just hope everything goes smoothly and everybody gets along that day.

Anyway, I'm going to try to get some sleep since I have to wake up and go back to work in less than 12 hours. I think I've decided that tomorrow night, I just want to hang out with John and Kellie and Joe. But that's just my mood right now. I may change my mind tomorrow. Who knows. Maybe Wednesday John and I can go see Christy and Kevin, or his grandparents if Christy and Kevin aren't available.

You know? I'm starting to wish John had his own place. We haven't talked about that in a while, but this is one of those nights where I would love nothing more than to spend the night with him. I'm starting to hate going to bed alone again - which, I guess is a good thing, since it kinda proves that whole 'back to normal' thing. But I guess what I'm saying is, I only hate going to bed alone because he's not here, and it feels like he should be; not because I'm getting used to it and it feels like I'll never see him again. Or whatever it was I said in that other post.

Anyway....yeah, I miss my boyfriend, ok? Sorry, but I don't think I'm out of the inseparable phase. And maybe that's a bad thing, but oh well. Get over it. I guess I'm just happy because I know how lucky I am to have him and because I just feel very, extremely content with my life right now. But this post is seriously long enough so I'm going to bed. I'll try to post again soon though.

Goodnight y'all.

Dose of optimism.

Well, this will probably be a brief post, but I just wanted to say that I think everything's back to normal now. I guess it's because of the conversation I had with John last night. I told him how 'off' I've been feeling lately, and he was pretty understanding. And then we ended up having a conversation about having kids. All in all, the night ended pretty well for us. He was really sweet last night (even though he says he's not sweet), and I finally felt like we were ok. So whatever it was about that conversation made everything better. Even he said he felt like things are back to normal. So I think that funk I was in is over now. And I'm extremely glad it is.

Oh, and John and I are both getting more hours at work, so I think our financial situation is going to get a lot better. I start bookkeeper training right after the 4th of July, so I know I'll be getting a lot more hours then. I'm hoping that he and I can go a few places and do some fun stuff before the summer's over - before he gets his wisdom teeth taken out and before I go on my cruise. And at some point this summer, I want John to go to the lake with me and my parents. I would also like Kellie and Joe to come too; it's just that Kellie works so much more than I do, so it's hard to find time when we're both off work. I would like to have some kind of cookout or something with everybody. But who knows what'll happen at this point.

Anyway, I'm going to go, because I think my dad's going to get lunch pretty soon, and I told him I would go with him. I feel bad for not spending any time with him yesterday since he just got back from Chicago on Saturday, but I think it was worth getting back on track with John. And besides, John works 5 to 10 tonight, so I can spend time with my parents then. It'll all work out.

Yay for optimism, right?

Desensitized.

Man, I don't know what's up with me. I feel like I'm just in some kind of funk. I'm feeling insecure about every little thing - namely things with John, even though it makes him mad when I'm like that. I just feel like...I don't know. It's like we're just not spending that much time together. Or like he doesn't want to. I don't know. I guess him missing me while he was gone to Daytona has worn off. Yet every day I feel like he just got back.

I think I need to go see Priscilla and Lydia. I keep getting this feeling like I need to go out there. Like maybe I haven't made peace with the fact that they're gone. Like maybe I've just been keeping everything inside for too long. This death thing really opened up a lot for me. John talking about it, I mean. It's like I'm coming to terms with everything.

What Zeb said about death made perfect sense. He said that "before you were born, there were no worries at all, and you definitely weren't thinking about life. It was more of like a peaceful sleep. So if you think about it in terms of where you came from then you shouldn't worry about much of anything." That was the best thing I've heard in a long time. And he's right. It makes perfect sense.

I think I just feel alone right now. Like there's nobody really here. Anna's gone. Kellie's gone. Everybody's gone. And whatever it is that's on my mind, I can't talk to anybody. I feel like nobody will understand me. Is this just some kind of relapse from graduation? Is this my subconscious trying to show that I'm afraid of my future and I'm still scared about being finished with high school? I just don't understand what's going on with my mind. I feel like everything's changing and my perfect little world is just falling all to pieces.

I wish it would stop.

A few months ago, whenever I went to bed, I always became uneasy because John wasn't with me. He was at my house so much and we were together so much and we watched tv and took naps so much that I felt like he should be there when I fell asleep at night. But I would take comfort in the fact that he had been with me, and that I would see him again the next day. Now? I become uneasy before I go to bed because I feel alone. He's not here, and I want him to be, but it's like he never will be. And because I feel like I'm not going to see him the next day. I don't know why I'm so worried about losing him. I know I'm not going to. I know I'm just freaking myself out for nothing. But that's part of it. This funk I'm in. My mind just won't stop about anything. And I hate this lonely feeling.

I'm just so terrified of everything.

John's busy this week, so I guess I won't get to see very much of him. What with work and stuff. Too bad I'm not getting a good paycheck until next Friday. Greenville Pickens is having a special event this weekend, and I want to go. And I really can't wait until I start my bookkeeper training at work. I'm getting really bored running the U-scan, and even being a cashier seems too dull these days. And not only that, but half the people I work with aren't even that much fun anymore. I hardly ever get to work with Terrance and Kenneth, and they're like my favorite people there. Especially since Clara quit. Jaac's ok, but he smokes pot. Anthony's too proper. Randy gets on my nerves. Audrey's nice. I love her. But I never get to work with her either. Chas and Carson are hardly ever there. And that new girl Holly - she has never spoken to me. She only talks to the guys. Melody - the seasonal girl - she seems...standoff-ish. Or something. I don't know. But Jim's my favorite. He's the nicest manager. He asks me about school and stuff all the time. He's the only one who seems to care the slightest bit about the employees.

Random bit about work there, I know. Whatever. I guess I should go to bed since I have to work tomorrow. I don't go in until 2, but I might have to take John to work if his car doesn't start. I hate that he's having problems with his car. I'm worried that I won't be able to help him out with transportation and money stuff because of my parents. I just need to build my bank account back up from where I bought my new stereo for my car. I refuse to touch the money I put aside for my savings account. Oh well. Things will work out. I'm getting a lot of hours at work now, so I should be able to help him out with anything. Without my parents making a fuss.

I think I'm going to go to bed now. I think talking about work calmed me down. There's just something about my Bilo that's different. John hates his Bilo, but I'm ok with mine. I don't think of it as a dreaded place. I'm actually comfortable there. But, while I'm relatively ok - while I don't feel like I'm on the verge of blowing some sort of mental fuse - I'm going to try to get some sleep. I think the lonely feeling's gone for now. But if I wait too long, it'll come back and I'll have trouble falling asleep.

Goodnight.

One of those nights.

This will be brief, I can tell you that.

So, tonight, John and I went to Olive Garden for dinner. Our conversation ended up being pretty...dark. Deep. Whatever you wanna call it. We talked about death - the issue that keeps bothering him. He wants to go to church. Religion makes me uncomfortable, even though I was brought up in a Christian school. But I have strong faith in God, and I believe that through him anything is possible. But that's not my point here. My point is, this whole death thing just uncovered a ton of emotions that I'd been getting over since Priscilla and Lydia's accident, back in February. It's like I still had some grieving left in me, but at the same time, I started thinking about all this other stuff. Like, what if I'm taking everything in my life for granted? What if I'm not appreciative enough? What if I'm not saying the right things or doing the right things?

And John said something about how he feels like 'death is near'. That scares me to hear him say that. I know he's just freaking himself out, but it scares me too. I refuse to entertain the thought of him being right about something like that. There is no way on Earth I could survive losing him. And I told him tonight that he's the one part of my life I don't take for granted. That's the truth. He is the best thing that's ever happened to me, and there isn't a day goes by that I don't think to myself how lucky I am to have him in my life. So if there's anything I don't take for granted, it's John.

I'm not sure why everything hit me like it did tonight. I guess I just wasn't expecting to talk about all that death stuff over dinner. But I definitely feel like I could let it out more. I just - I don't know. I probably just sound like a whiny little hormonal teenager when I say this, but I honestly just want to cry. But I feel stupid for crying - especially in front of John. Every time I start crying about something like this, he'll ask me what's wrong and then I can't get the words to come out right so I just sound like a complete idiot for being all emotional. It's like I know what's wrong, but I can't say what's wrong. Ugh. It's so frustrating.

I just wish John was still here with me. He makes everything better. He makes me feel like everything's going to be ok. And right now I feel alone. I don't want to go to bed tonight - alone. I want him here with me. Right now.

I feel like there's more I need to say, but I'm not sure what. Oh well. I'm not forcing my thoughts. In fact, while my mind's still relatively blank I'm going to try to get some sleep and get over this sudden separation anxiety from being away from my boyfriend.

Goodnight.

Missing is a weird emotion.

It's been a few days since my last post. Let's see...

Well. First thing's first: I graduated high school Saturday night. It was definitely awesome. I felt so accomplished. It was just a really cool feeling. My whole family was there to see me walk across the stage - and even John's family was there. We all went out to dinner afterwards and that's where I opened all my gifts n' stuff. After dinner, John and I were going to go to Wal-Mart but we ended up goofing off in the restaurant parking lot with Kellie and her mom and her brother. Then we went back to my house. My dad seemed to be in a pretty good mood when we got home, so I wanted to talk to him about the stereo I want for my car. I showed it to John, and then he ended up getting into this long conversation with my dad about car audio. My boyfriend and my dad actually got along for over an hour. They even started watching Iron Maiden music videos! It was just the coolest feeling to see my dad getting along with John like that. And like John said, for once, it felt like my parents finally took us seriously.

But right now, I'm not a happy camper. John left for vacation in Daytona Beach, Florida on Sunday, and I'm missing him terribly. For one thing, I'm mad that my parents didn't let me go after all. But I'm just....ugh. I'm so bummed that I'm not there with him. I keep having these cravings to go to Daytona. I keep getting these feelings like I'm at the beach. It's not fun at all. (Not much fun for little Harpo). I can't wait to see him when he comes back. He's coming back Saturday, and he's when he gets here, he's coming to my house and we're going to Greenville-Pickens. Saturday just can't get here fast enough.

In the mean time, while John's been gone, I've been spending some time with my aunt Michelle, who's in town until Saturday from Phoenix. We went downtown Monday and went to the park and played Frisbee, then today we went shopping. It's been pretty fun.

I guess I'm going to cut this post rather short because honestly, all I can think about is how badly I miss John and how badly I wish I could be in Daytona right now and how badly I want him to be home. I just want to give him a huge hug. (I know I will as soon as he gets back haha).

Anyway. I'm gonna go enjoy talking to him on AIM til his laptop battery is dead. And apparently, we've only got 30 minutes left.

Goodnight y'all.

Conscience on a cross.

Wow. I am so bored right now. My mom told me I couldn't go anywhere tonight because she wanted me home, since I'm "never home anymore". But honestly, could it be any more boring around here? It doesn't matter though. I have no idea where John is. Probably at Christy and Kevin's. Or at Naia's. He's over there a lot these days. He says that's "how he spends his summer" - at Naia's house - but I don't know. It just feels like we never do anything 'just us' anymore. There's always other people involved. But I guess I'm just paranoid that he's finally getting tired of me, or that everything's changing because my graduation is in a week and a half. Regardless, things just don't feel the same anymore, and I don't like it.

I really shouldn't stay home like this. It gives me too much time to think.

I think I'm just stressed out right now because I have so much on my mind. Like, for starters, Anna's graduation was Monday. My best friend just graduated from high school. Her parents had a party for her...and her stupid boyfriend. It just so happens that they dated for the majority of their senior year (ever since November), so the party was for both of them. But guess what? I'm Anna's best friend, and I'm graduating too. I've known her longer than Stephen could even think about knowing her, and it's my senior year too. But was I even mentioned at the party? No. Of course not. It's like her parents forgot all about me. And all the people I asked about coming to my graduation made it sound like they weren't going to make it, like it was unimportant to them. So apparently, Stephen is the only other person that matters now. But none of them will ever know how much it hurt me to see my best friend and her loser boyfriend opening graduation gifts together. And how much it hurt to see that "table for two" set up on the front porch. What if I wanted to sit beside my best friend? Everybody keeps saying to tell Anna how I feel about the whole thing. And honestly, I'm tired of hearing it. I've already tried once to make her realize that Stephen is a mistake. If she didn't listen the first time, why would it be any different a second time?

And then there's John. He made me mad yesterday, and he knows it. He made a big deal out of coming to see me at work. He said he couldn't afford it and he didn't want to use the money I gave him for gas and blah blah blah. He went to Christy and Kevin's tonight. They went swimming. I didn't go because I went to the dinner at Olive Garden with all the seniors at Bilo. But I feel guilty for not going to Christy and Kevin's. I'm also a little bummed that he went without me, but I'm getting used to the fact that he's still going to go off and have fun whether I can go with him or not. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

On a more positive note, my aunt Michelle is coming home a week from Friday. And she's staying the whole week after my graduation. I'm just hoping that David and Melissa (my aunt and uncle from Pennsylvania) don't stay that whole week too. I mean, I love them and I'm glad they're coming for my graduation, but I'm not close to them at all. I'm close to Michelle, but when David and Melissa are in town, she always does stuff with them and doesn't spend any time with me.

I can't believe I'm graduating. I just can't believe it. And the funny thing is, technically, I can't even say I've been waiting 12 years for this day, because I skipped a grade. I only spent eleven whole years working toward my graduation day. But it's been a long eleven years. Sixth grade was probably the best. Then there's high school - four whole years of drama, academic stress, friendships, football games, and bad cafeteria food. It's been nothing but fun though. I'm just not ready to let it all go. I feel so much pressure to move on with my life - go to college, get married, have kids...become an adult. But I'm not ready at all. And people say it's normal to feel that way at graduation, but think about being two years younger than everybody you're graduating with. Think about not even being old enough to vote until your sophomore year of college. So how am I supposed to prepare for the rest of my life?

See? I told you, I really shouldn't stay at home like this. I've got way too much on my mind.

Randy said he would talk to Marie about making me a bookkeeper at Bilo. That would be great. I told Jim, one of the other managers, about it last night, and he said he thinks I would do great at it. And that means a lot. So hopefully they'll promote me over the summer. It'll give me good experience with accounting, which will definitely come in handy later on.

And I just can't say it enough: Green Day's new album rocks. Some people say it's not good, some people think it's "not Green Day material", and some people just say they'll never be able to top American Idiot. And that may be true, but come on, give it a chance. And for those who haven't listened to the whole album - for those who have only heard "Know Your Enemy" - that is one of the weakest songs on the album. "East Jesus Nowhere", "Restless Heart Syndrome", and "The Static Age" are all amazing. There's a ton of emotion in the album. And it's definitely worth listening to.

I think I might put some more color in my hair. I put some Red Rum hair dye on the bottom layer of my hair this afternoon, just because I was bored. And since my hair's a little lighter than it was the last time I tried to color it, it turned out a little different. I like it though. I might do the rest one day next week. Or I might wait until the week after graduation in case it turns out bad haha.

Anyway, I guess I'm going to go. My dad won't stop whining about me typing, so I think I'm just going to go to my room and chill. I might even go to bed early. Who knows at this point.

Goodnight.

Senioritis overdrive.

I think I figured out that econ is an excellent time to post a blog. We're reviewing for the AP exam, which is tomorrow. And honestly, I could care less. I was late to first period this morning. I overslept like 30 minutes. My dad knew I was late, too. He'll probably tell my mom and she'll probably get mad and blame it on me being up so late last night. But I went to bed around the time I normally do. It's not like I stayed up until 2 or 3 in the morning. But I'm sure she'll be mad about it. And knowing my luck, she'll say I can't hang out with Kellie after school today or that I can't go see John at work. But the way I see it, she shouldn't be mad. It's the end of the school year. I only have two weeks of school left. Nobody cares about being late anymore. We're all just ready for it to be over.

So this is me, not paying attention.

This week can't go by fast enough. I can't wait until Friday. Well, even tomorrow. Seniors get their yearbooks tomorrow. The only downside about tomorrow is the fact that I have to take that AP Econ exam, and it'll last all morning. And I have to work, but it's all good. Friday's going to be great. First, there's the senior cap & gown picture on the football field, then there's the awards ceremony in the gym, and then there's Spring Fling. Then after school, Kellie and I are going to get our nails done. My mom might be going with us, but I'm not really sure. And I'm hoping to see John Friday night too, just to finalize everything for prom. Maybe we could all go out to dinner or something. But that would defeat the purpose of "girls' night out". Oh well. We'll work something out. I'm just really excited.

I got my hair done yesterday. It was basically a "test run" to see how my hair's going to look on prom night. It's going to look great, if I do say so myself. My hairstylist, Cindy, is really cool. She has pink hair. Well, pink highlights haha. But she's a great stylist; she really gets a feel for her clients and how their hair works. Wow, for a second there I almost sounded like I was giving a critical review or something. Anyway, Cindy's great, and she's going to do a great job on my hair Saturday.

We're dissecting a pig in anatomy today. I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, my senioritis is in overdrive and I seriously don't feel like doing any work. But on the plus side, I understand the new section in math.

It's cold in here. Like, really cold. It's like an igloo or something, seriously. I'm also very hungry right now. A hot dog or something would be great right now. Holy crap, I just got this huge craving for a chili dog and a bag of Fritos. Wow, that would be SO good for lunch. Great, now all of a sudden I'm in the mood for a picnic. At the lake. That would be awesome. Where did that even come from?

John has to work tonight. That sucks. Ok, I just got an invitation to Awards Night. I wonder if I'll get anything. I heard that's when we get our stoles for Honor Graduates and NHS. That'll be cool. Maybe John will be off work and he can come too. That would mean a lot to me. Hopefully he'll be off work or he can get somebody to switch with him.

Oh, that reminds me. I need to tell Marie I can't work Monday night because of that teacher dinner thing my Teacher Cadet class is doing.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go ahead and wrap this thing up. It's almost time for lunch. I'm so hungry, gah. I wish John and I could go to the lake or something today. That would be awesome. I'm in the mood for that chili dog, and swimming would be perfect. Strangely enough, I'm also in the mood to get my hair and makeup done, and then get a manicure. Nah, I think I'm more in the mood for the picnic and swimming.

Ok, my thoughts aren't going anywhere. I really should go. I'll try to post again later.

Guns and butter. Say what?

I'm in econ, once again, listening to Mr. Massingill ramble something about the last two units of the course that he's not bothering to teach us. Well, actually, now he's rambling about cell phones.

John's last day of school is today. He's lucky. His summer pretty much starts today. I have three more weeks left, and four until graduation. That's pretty hard to believe. I'm really not ready to graduate. I'm ready to be done with school, but I'm not ready to leave. But overall I think I've had a pretty good high school experience. I certainly don't have any regrets. I mean, sure, there were some things that didn't turn out the way I wanted them to, and I had my feelings hurt a time or two, but if those things hadn't happened, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Honestly, I think the only thing I would change about my high school experience (if I could) would be not taking this class. Seriously haha. But then again, I like the people in here. Well, some of them. And it just so happens that the people I don't really like aren't here today. AP exams are great.

My Spanish class is having a Cinco de Mayo party tomorrow. It should be pretty fun. I'm going to make a "taco bake", and some kind of dessert - maybe churros. Then, after Spanish, I'm going back to West End to have lunch with Mrs. Ellenburg's class. Today was supposed to be the Teacher Cadets' last day in the classrooms, but I want to spend just one more day with them. I really love that class. All the kids are great, and they seem to enjoy having me in the classroom with them. Mrs. Ellenburg is an excellent teacher too, and I love watching her interact with her students. They're all so smart, it's just crazy. So I'm going to email Mrs. Ellenburg and ask her if I can bring treats for the kids at lunch tomorrow. I'm sure they'll love that.

I'm really glad tomorrow's Friday, but I'm still not looking forward to it. After I leave West End, I plan on tanning, then eating lunch, and then going to Greenville. I'm going to Artistic Cutters to find out how much manicures and pedicures are (and just to check the place out), and then I'm going to get my paycheck and go to the bank. Actually, I might do that part first. But the bad part is the fact that I have to work from 5 to 11 tomorrow night. I hate closing on Friday nights. All we sell is beer and it's extremely busy. Plus, I'm missing Greenville-Pickens.

Saturday should be a little better. I'm working 3 to 9, but my mom and I are going out to lunch and then going to the mall before I go to work. I won't get to see John though. He's closing Saturday night, so the only way I'll be able to see him is if I stop by Bilo on my way home or something. That really sucks. We're not getting to hang out at all.

I'll just be so glad when next week gets here. I have a hair appointment Tuesday at 4:00, just to do a test run of how I'm wearing my hair for prom. My mom said she wants to go with me, but I'm hoping Kellie can come too. Thursday, all the Seniors get their yearbooks and there's a Senior cookout after school. Friday is Spring Fling/ Annual Day, and the Seniors are having their group cap gown picture made. It's going to be so fun. And after school that day, Kellie and I are going to get our nails done. I can't wait.

Holy crap. This class is going by so slow. But I guess I'm going to go "pay attention" for the last 30 minutes of class.

Yeah, like that's ever gonna happen.

I'm sure I'll post again later.

This could be your sick love song.

I've had that Motley Crue song stuck in my head ever since this afternoon. Seriously.

So, prom is next weekend. I'm really excited about it. Kellie and I are getting our nails done together Friday, and we're getting our makeup done together Saturday. I wish it was this weekend. I'm just looking forward to it so much. Anna's having an 'after-prom party' Saturday night...after prom, haha. I asked her (out of obligation, since she's my best friend) if she and Stephen would like to come to Olive Garden with me and John and Kellie and Joe before prom, but she didn't hesitate to tell me that she wanted it to be "just them" that night. But I'm glad Kellie will be there when we go to the party. It'll make it easier on me. I think she and I have become really close this year, and I really value our friendship. She's a lot like me, and I guess that's why we get along so easily. And if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have a female best friend anymore because Anna has pretty much left me behind all because of Stephen. I mean, I love Anna to death and I would do anything for her, but really, that hurts. And it's not that Kellie's replacing Anna. Kellie just knows how to balance out having a boyfriend and having a best friend. Plus, Kellie's boyfriend is social, and he actually gets along with my boyfriend. So that's a huge bonus. Stephen just...ugh. No comment.

Anyway, next week will probably be a great week. Just as long as my parents will stay off my back about school. My mom will not stop nagging me about my math grade, even though I'm in the process of fixing it. She keeps hinting that I'm some kind of failure because I let one grade fall. She keeps telling me she's disappointed in me. But I told her tonight that being two years ahead of everybody else my age is finally catching up to me. Skipping a grade and being younger than everybody else hit me harder this year than it ever has. I finally feel like I shouldn't be a senior - like I shouldn't be 16 in a class full of 18-year-olds who are making good grades and getting ready to go off to college. I think sometimes my mom forgets that.

I miss John. We don't get to do anything anymore. We're always working or school gets in the way. And ever since Friday night, my parents have been super strict because of my math grade and they won't let me see him. It feels like it's been forever since we've had lunch at my house and just had the afternoon to chill. And now every time we are together it's like we're constantly busy. Always going somewhere. Always doing something. Always on the go. It just feels like everything's rushed these days. I hate it. Oh, and tomorrow - well, technically today - makes 8 months that we've been together.

Anyway, I was talking to him on AIM, but he's playing some game so he's not really talking to me anymore. I'm definitely going to bed.

Goodnight.

Rant.

My mom is seriously getting on my nerves lately.

She's balancing my checkbook right now, and she won't shut up about how I pay for everything when me and John do stuff. No I don't! She doesn't understand that I was just trying to help him out while he was saving up for his car - before he found out about his tax money. Now she thinks he's just using me. She keep saying, "What does he ever pay for?" and "Why do you pay for everything?". Shut the fuck up, woman! I just told her if she doesn't stop, I'm going to my room and I'm not talking to her for the rest of the night. I don't fucking pay for everything. She just won't stop nagging me.

Ok, now she seriously just made me mad. She said, "I thought you were smarter than that." - referring to me "paying for everything". Why does it matter?! It's my money and I'll do whatever the hell I want to with it! So what if I wanna buy my boyfriend dinner? So what if I wanna pay for the movies? So what?! Leave me alone about it!

All she ever does is nag these days. I love her to death, but GOD I'm sick of her nagging.

The worst part? I'm stuck at home on a Saturday night because of my math grade. I didn't even get to see John today. I worked all day and then had to come home to my mother nagging. Luckily we went to dinner and she was nice for all of 45 minutes.

Kyle Busch is so gay. Who cares if he won a NASCAR race on his birthday? I didn't even get to go to Greenville-Pickens tonight. For one thing, I'm grounded - or whatever you wanna call it. And second of all, it was cancelled because it rained for like 15 minutes 3 hours before race time. How wonderful. And next weekend, the race is on Friday night. Guess who has to work from 5 to 11? Yep. And then there is no race the weekend of the 16th, but luckily that's my prom night. Still, that means no Greenville-Pickens for like three weeks. That doesn't go over very well with me.

I'm just not in a good mood right now. It's not obvious, is it?

Studying? I think not.

I'm in econ right now. Mr. Massingill is showing us prom pictures from different high schools around Greenville county. We're supposed to be doing practice exams for AP Government. Ha. I hate this class. Well, it's a love-hate thing.

Prom is two weeks from Saturday. I'm so excited. John and I are going tomorrow to get him fitted for his tux. He's wearing a gold vest, and I can't wait to see him in it. I think he'll look so great. I'm glad I chose to wear the black and gold dress. It's really pretty, and it's more comfortable than the blue and white one. I just have to find jewelry to go with it. But I plan on shopping for jewelry and shoes after school today. Kellie might be going with me, if her mom doesn't go to church, but Kellie's car wasn't in the parking lot this morning, so I don't know if she's even here. We're going to get our nails done together on the day before prom, and we're getting our hair and makeup done together the day of. It's going to be a lot of fun.

It's 10:45. John's probably getting out of anatomy right now. Mr. Massingill is such a weirdo. He's analyzing the girls' prom dresses in those pictures. I'll be so glad when I'm out of this class. And now he's calling people fat.

I wonder what time John went to sleep last night. He said he drank a Coke while he was at Naia's. I really wish he wouldn't do that. Caffeine affects him on a massive level, and I worry about him when he stays up so late. It's not healthy, and then he ends up being exhausted later the next day. And that's no fun for either of us.

I plan to meet him on break tonight. I probably won't be gone shopping that long. I'm probably just going to Shoe Carnival and maybe the mall. But I might wait and go to the mall tomorrow while I'm out with John. I'm just looking for jewelry and a purse. No biggie if I don't go tonight.

John hasn't texted me or called me any this morning. That's odd. But he doesn't usually text or call on Mondays and Wednesdays, that I've noticed.

Oh, I got to teach this morning in Teacher Cadets. I'm doing my field experience in Mrs. Ellenburg's 2nd grade class at West End, and today I taught my review lesson on inference. Mrs. Hiott even came to watch. It went very well, even though I didn't feel completely prepared. But Mrs. Hiott loved it, and the kids were really into it. I think it was a success, for a review lesson anyway. And I'm going back tomorrow to stay the whole day. The kids were really excited when they heard that. Y'know, it's funny. I don't want to be a teacher at all, but I love the kids to death and I would rather spend all day every day in the classroom with them than have to go back and deal with Mrs. Hiott for the last few weeks of school. Oh well.

Well, I guess Mr. Massingill isn't going to make the other half of the class take the practice exams on the computer. That's perfectly fine with me. Nobody else seems to care either. This class is just such a waste of time. But I got a 91 on my last test so I'm happy.

Crap. I have an anatomy quiz today. Yay for nephrons!

Anyway, I think I'm going to go. Class is over in 20 minutes, but I wanna look some stuff online up before we have to go. Too bad we can't check Facebook and Twitter n' stuff. Oh well.

I'll try to post again later.